WE HAVE MOVED - COME HITHER

We be evolving. And renaming. And boldly going where millions of blogs have gone before.

Henceforth and forever, my new blog is hogsatemysister

Yep, that's Hogs Ate My Sister, one word, no caps.

Why? Because my mother always said, "Haven't had so much fun since the hogs ate my sister."

'Nuff said.

See you at the new site.

And forgive the tech teething problems. After 30 years in PR and journalism, I've used up a lot of brain cells already...

Gaga, Cher, Justin at Meat TV Awards

Let's see. What's in entertainment news?

Lady Gaga contracts hoof and mouth disease at MTV awards. She is featured in a meat dress that showcases her rump roast, and glams it up with armadillo high heels featuring 12-inch stilettos. Slaughterhouse meets road kill fashion. Yum.

Cher, at 64, wears the same Fredericks of Hollywood see-through black body stocking that she made infamous in 1989 when singing "If I Could Turn Back Time." She hugs Gaga's meat and boasts that ex-daughter-Chastity-turned-son Chaz recently had species re-assignment surgery and is fantastically happy as a newt.

Justin "Mini MTV" Bieber was keen to prove he's now a manly teenage stud muffin but entered wearing his Mommy's big ol'lady sunglasses. On stage he stood nearly as tall as Gaga's shoes and literally towered over his dance partners, who were specially recruited from Miss Muffet's preschool. Sadly, his carefully choreographed "Big Hunk Justin" branding campaign stumbled when Rihanna bitch slapped him backstage and he cried.

Jane Fonda, 72, not at MTV but saturating the airwaves nonetheless, is once again all Spandexed up. She's leading the nation's aging Baby Boomers into a new era of fitness, facelifts and flashy mobility scooters. Jane tried to get Gaga and Cher on her exercise video, but health officials worried that the raw meat and preservatives would react, sending the wrong message - Ewww - to health conscious seniors.

And critics say the internet is offensive...

Questions for your 50s: Where are the car keys? Isn't he dead yet?

George Clooney just turned 50. I hate him. He still looks like, well, himself. Me and my old friends, not so much. Except maybe in our minds.

That was recently brought home to a tall, still-studly buddy of mine. He was at a social function when a pretty high school girl offered him her chair so he could sit down. Sad? It was way worse than sad. He initially thought she was flirting with him.

My "senior awakening" was internet related. I heard that there WAS an internet. Kidding. But I really was stunned when I had to click TWICE on drop-down menus to get to 1956, the year I was born and when gravity was invented.

Being mid-50s means my new car will probably outlast me. I will soon qualify for Denny's Senior menu. And when I look in the mirror, I see ... George Clooney... Except he now looks just like my grandpa.

Bugger.

I didn't expect my 50's to be an age of exploration - exploring the room I just left for clues ... what exactly did I just forget to remember. Car keys? Fire extinguisher? No. 1 son?

Being in my mid-50s means my body and brain are changing. I now like Advil way better than M&Ms. Putting milk in my innards is like dropping a Mentos into a Diet Coke. And my memory loss mantra is "Denny Crane, Mad Cow."

But lately, what has annoyed me most is not knowing who is dead and who isn't.

Sure, I know which family members are breathing and which have karked it. Mainly. But when I'm thinking about a major sports star or actor from my youth, I never really know whether they still have a pulse. Usually, if I think they are are dead, they ain't, and vice-versa.

I was at the grocery store and learned that Michael Douglas has throat cancer. That's sad, but way better than being dead, which is what I thought he was. In fact, his DAD is still alive. Kirk is now 93.

Wonder if he says "I am Spartacus. Now where are my chariot keys?" Or just
"Denny Crane. Mad Cow."

Give Me Tornadoes Any Day

An earthquake just whacked Christchurch, which is New Zealand's second largest city, about 500 miles south of me. Thankfully, no casualties to report, but perhaps $2 billion in damage.

It all makes me think about relativity and Mother Nature.

Growing up in Oklahoma, we spent most fall and spring evenings with the television on, listening for the omnipresent boob boop boop tornado warning (e.g. "it could happen folks") and the occasional tornado alert (e.g. "some of ya'll about to get all kinds of blown away").

Since we heard the boop boop boop about eleventy hunnerd times every tornado season, tornado warnings were just part of the weather forecast: humid, fair to partly cloudy, with a high of 92 and a low of 74, with a 90% chance that some mobile home, somewhere in Oklahoma, is gonna get blowed away, but it's not near you so don't worry.

People who don't live with tornadoes seem to think they are like atom bombs, blowing up all over the place. Truth is, most tornadoes are small and stay in the clouds, never even touching down. But when they do touch down, you can be sure it will end up on the news: roll helicopter footage of the "path of destruction", the three twisted mobile homes on their sides, a pickup stuck in flood waters, and a fat woman saying "it sounded lock uh big ol' freight train."

And people outside of Tornado Alley would wonder: why do those stupid Okies live in a place where there are tornadoes? Most of the time, these comments were from smug Californians.

Note: California is the state that will drop into the Pacific Ocean when the Big One hits. Californians have never grasped that while you can outsmart a tornado - "run sideways to it", get in the truck and outrun it, join the poisonous snakes in the cellar - there is nowhere to run when an earthquake hits.

Thankfully, the earthquake that hit Christchurch was not deadly or the Big One, though it was plenty bad. And, thankfully, those of us in Auckland don't have to worry about earthquakes. Or tornadoes. Or killer floods for that matter.

We've got volcanoes.

It's all relative.

Bernanke's New Gazillion-Dollar Stimulus Package: 'Innovative and Possibly Radioactive'

Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Friday that the Federal Reserve will soon deploy an unconventional stimulus package to jump-start the nation's ailing economy.

An innovative Public Private Partnership (PPP) will find the Federal Aviation Administration and major airlines combining their efforts to increase revenue, with each party receiving 50%.

Under the PPP, many British Airways flights now include a message stating the airplane is about to crash into the North Sea. Immediately after airing the message, cabin crew conduct in-flight auctions for life rafts, emergency radios and spear guns. Only frequent flyers are allowed to bid.

"We've found that passengers, who are normally very frugal, bid quite liberally for Premier Class items, like the lift rafts. And if total bids reach a floating reserve, the planes will not actually crash. The first few auctions have been quite successful, bringing in about $17 million per flight, less the cost of dry cleaning the seats," said an airline spokesperson.

Vice President Joe Biden said the Obama Administration also plans to "hit the stimulus accelerator" in profit-sharing arrangements with states, the pharmaceutical and retail sectors.

California and New York have widened their definition of "medical use", allowing motorists to purchase federally grown marijuana from kiosks located on all major toll roads.

"As long as motorists confirm that they have a medical condition - like needing to get stoned - they can purchase the medical marijuana and qualify for two-for-one burritos at participating Taco Bells. Our forecasts show that this effort should bring in $200 bazillion gillion in the first year alone. But these estimates could be slightly fuzzy, because our economists took the toll road, if you catch our drift," said Bernanke.

The National Rifle Association and Hertz have launched a joint venture with the State of Arizona and key Mexican drug cartels. Under the agreement, vehicles and automatic weapons may be picked up in Mexico City and returned in Phoenix (unlimited mileage and bullets; $2 million deductable on all lost cocaine shipments).

The US Defense Department and elGordo are launching the world's largest lottery. In the "Big Bang Iran" game, bettors choose when Iran will activate its nuclear reactor or be turned into a glowing parking lot by Israel. In a unique twist, the public can purchase "DoD Stimulus Dollars" to encourage their preferred outcome.

Vice President Biden said he expects huge interest in 'Big Bang Iran', especially from the U.S. Jewish community and global Jihadists organizations.

"In Big Bang Iran and within the entire new stimulus package, the Obama Administration will not be playing favorites or picking winners. Our only goal is to build on successes achieved by the gazillion-jillion dollar stimulus package launched last year, which has already seen the creation of at least 1.7 million jobs, including at least three outside of the federal government."

Try to relax - ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:

Monkeys.

The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline - 'Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?' and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.

Gators

The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don't have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the street. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed... who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran's Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We'll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.

Warning: What's Under the White House Tarp?

A tarp is covering the West Wing of the White House, prompting widespread speculation that it is hiding:

1) a mosque

2) the deficit

3) Michelle's shoes

4) Treasury notes

5) one Obamacare Bill

6) Lady Gaga's girly bits

7) WikiLeaks emails

8) missing BP oil

9) "Hillary in 2012" signs

10) dry rot

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