Privacy? Facebook can see your Johnson!

All the worry and gnashing of teeth about Facebook and privacy issues is completely overblown, the company's CEO explains in this interview conducted today over Facebook.

CNN: Mr. Zuckerberg, exactly what have you been secretly doing to invade our privacy?

Facebook CEO: People love Facebook. That's why 11 billion people 'Facebook' every day. We are all about community and communication. Our motto makes that clear - "To know more about you than Google, and then tell everyone, for a fee". But we totally, 100% respect everyone's wish for privacy. That's why you only have to tick one box (on page 273 of our easy-to-understand privacy disclaimer) if you don't want Facebook to distribute your personal information to everyone in the known universe.

CNN: So all I have to do is tick that one box and then you won't share my personal information with other websites, is that correct?

FB CEO: Oh no, no, no. If you tick that box, we won't share your personal info with your friends. We'll still send it to thousands of other websites, Google, and the Obama Administration. Your privacy is absolutely of paramount importance to us.

CNN: Then can you explain the recent changes, so Facebook users will stop worrying about their privacy?

FB CEO: Absolutely. Happy to be totally transparent. Just like your trousers. Great tattoos."

CNN: Excuse me? You can see my tattoos?

FB CEO: Just the one on your butt. I can't make out the one on your 'Johnson'. We've just started using the same scanning technology used at major airports - all to ensure your 100% privacy. But if you don't want that level of protection, or having us share your tattoos with grandma or your employer, simply tick the box on page 2,075 of our easy-to-read, fully transparent, privacy disclaimer. You want to get that?

CNN: Get what?

FB CEO: Your front door.

CNN's doorbell: Ding dong.

FB CEO: And your phone.

CNN's i-phone Justin Bieber ring tone: Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.

CNN: CAN FACEBOOK SEE THROUGH MY TROUSERS AND MY FRONT DOOR AND HEAR MY PHONE BEFORE IT RINGS?

FB CEO: Not totally. We're beta testing with Google a new app that lets us see through doors and into the future. We can only see about 10 seconds into your future right now, but by 2Q 2011 we should be able to look forward to about 2025. By looking into the future of all 111 billion FB users, and their children, we can absolutely protect everyone's privacy. You've got cute kids, by the way.

CNN: What? I'm single. I don't have any kids.

FB CEO: Oh, right. I couldn't know about your children because you adjusted your privacy settings next Thursday. BTW, the tattoo on your Johnson is clear now... Why have you got FOX NEWS tattooed on it?

CNN: AUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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BP Sucks

Having failed repeatedly to cap its leaking, the oil giant is offering $10 million to anyone who can figure out how to plug the well. Suggestions are pouring in.

Caller LeRoy Hubbard from Gotebo, Oklahoma: "Oncet we busted off a far hydrant with Billie Sue's Bronco. Woo-wee, you shoulda seen the gusher. Anyways, afore the law got there, we plugged it up reel good. Tweren't nothin special. We just hog-tied the Mayor's mule and sorta dragged it over the water pipe. Ah thank you could drop a really beeg mule on that there all rig. Where kin ah get mah money?"

Caller Charles Barkley: "This whole thing is just stoopid. All they need to do is give me one of those deep sea diving suits and a dozen basketballs. I'm fat but I can still go to the hole. I'll plug up that sucker in time for supper. Now gimme my money."

Caller George Bush from Crawford Texas:
"Before everyone goes nucular on this, they need to just stop and smell the cupcakes. I'll ring old Dick Cheney and he'll fix it. What's that Laura honey? Oh, Halliburton poured the rig's concrete before it blew up... I'll just hang up now..."

Caller John Madden : "Okay, okay. You've got Brett Favre on this huge barge. You've got Jason Witten going deep, really deep - about 1,500 yards deep, because he's not a one-dimensional tight end. He can run, block and dive. So Favre drops back, the waves are rockin' and rollin' the barge. Favre looks left, he's about to be sacked by Shamu. He steps into the pocket. He hits Witten. Witten puts his head down and slams into the rig. BOOM! It's sealed. It's done. That's what Brett Favre can do for you."

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BP: Oil spill under control... glug glug glug

BP says it will soon control the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

"We are absolutely confident that the oil leak will be plugged and the slick contained. It may reach Dallas, but we are certain to stop it before it hits Oklahoma City. Or was that Kansas City? One of those cities in the middle," says BP's CEO.

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that BP's well at Deepwater Horizon was given a "categorical exclusion" from the National Environmental Policy Act (NEPA), thus BP didn't have to conduct a detailed environmental impact analysis.

This was because the Federal Government (motto: out to lunch, leave contributions in paper bags) and BP (motto: absolutely worthy of your trust (where do we put your paper bag?) did not anticipate such a huge accident in the Gulf.

"Who knew?" said NEPA Head D. W. Feebledieder.

"Yeah," adds BP's CEO. "What are the odds of an oil well leaking a lot of oil into the Gulf?"

This is the latest catastrophe to occur when oil rigs or tankers fell into trouble. Each time, guarantees were given that safeguards would prevent future disasters.

Many politicians, including Australian Minister for Shipping Bob Collins, have rushed to the oil industry's aid, stressing that accidents are rare. The incident off the coast of Victoria, in which the front of the ship fell off, was "not very typical" and happened because "a wave hit it... at sea... chance in a
million", said the Minister in this clip.



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