Bernanke's New Gazillion-Dollar Stimulus Package: 'Innovative and Possibly Radioactive'

Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Friday that the Federal Reserve will soon deploy an unconventional stimulus package to jump-start the nation's ailing economy.

An innovative Public Private Partnership (PPP) will find the Federal Aviation Administration and major airlines combining their efforts to increase revenue, with each party receiving 50%.

Under the PPP, many British Airways flights now include a message stating the airplane is about to crash into the North Sea. Immediately after airing the message, cabin crew conduct in-flight auctions for life rafts, emergency radios and spear guns. Only frequent flyers are allowed to bid.

"We've found that passengers, who are normally very frugal, bid quite liberally for Premier Class items, like the lift rafts. And if total bids reach a floating reserve, the planes will not actually crash. The first few auctions have been quite successful, bringing in about $17 million per flight, less the cost of dry cleaning the seats," said an airline spokesperson.

Vice President Joe Biden said the Obama Administration also plans to "hit the stimulus accelerator" in profit-sharing arrangements with states, the pharmaceutical and retail sectors.

California and New York have widened their definition of "medical use", allowing motorists to purchase federally grown marijuana from kiosks located on all major toll roads.

"As long as motorists confirm that they have a medical condition - like needing to get stoned - they can purchase the medical marijuana and qualify for two-for-one burritos at participating Taco Bells. Our forecasts show that this effort should bring in $200 bazillion gillion in the first year alone. But these estimates could be slightly fuzzy, because our economists took the toll road, if you catch our drift," said Bernanke.

The National Rifle Association and Hertz have launched a joint venture with the State of Arizona and key Mexican drug cartels. Under the agreement, vehicles and automatic weapons may be picked up in Mexico City and returned in Phoenix (unlimited mileage and bullets; $2 million deductable on all lost cocaine shipments).

The US Defense Department and elGordo are launching the world's largest lottery. In the "Big Bang Iran" game, bettors choose when Iran will activate its nuclear reactor or be turned into a glowing parking lot by Israel. In a unique twist, the public can purchase "DoD Stimulus Dollars" to encourage their preferred outcome.

Vice President Biden said he expects huge interest in 'Big Bang Iran', especially from the U.S. Jewish community and global Jihadists organizations.

"In Big Bang Iran and within the entire new stimulus package, the Obama Administration will not be playing favorites or picking winners. Our only goal is to build on successes achieved by the gazillion-jillion dollar stimulus package launched last year, which has already seen the creation of at least 1.7 million jobs, including at least three outside of the federal government."

Try to relax - ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:

Monkeys.

The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline - 'Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?' and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.

Gators

The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don't have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the street. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed... who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran's Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We'll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.

Warning: What's Under the White House Tarp?

A tarp is covering the West Wing of the White House, prompting widespread speculation that it is hiding:

1) a mosque

2) the deficit

3) Michelle's shoes

4) Treasury notes

5) one Obamacare Bill

6) Lady Gaga's girly bits

7) WikiLeaks emails

8) missing BP oil

9) "Hillary in 2012" signs

10) dry rot

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Shocking Gallup Poll Leads Rupert Murdock to Lady Gaga's Thighs

A shocking Gallup poll shows that only 25% of Americans have a "great deal" or "quite a lot" of confidence in newspaper or television news, a 50% drop since 1995.

Young Americans are now getting most of their "trusted" news from Facebook and celebrity tattoos.

Young people - defined as the "21's", eg younger than 21, having at least 21 sexual partners and STDs, or owning at least 21 cell phones - have the lowest trust and attention span.

Newspaper readership among the 21's has reached rock bottom. In fact, only 3% of 21's have "read or come in contact with" a printed newspaper in the previous 12 months.

"I picked up a free newspaper once to wipe a Coke Zero spill off my iPad, and I got ink on my fingers. Ink! It was like, ewww, my iPad!" said one of those surveyed.

Rupert Murdoch, the 900-year-old owner of most of the world's bankrupt newspapers, dismissed the Gallup research as "bobby socks and poppycock".

"Our research shows that most young people, 900 percent I think, trust me and my newspapers, and they absolutely plan to *buy my newspapers."

* at least once before they die, possibly wrapping takeaway fish and chips

To increase trust and readership in the 21's demographic, Murdoch is negotiating with Lady Gaga over rights to her thighs.

"The negotiations include all areas in close proximity to her girly bits, which are exposed to billions of young people every day through actual physical contact and, to a lesser extent, the global media.

"There are some formatting issues, and we'll have to limit stories to 3-5 words, but we're confident the 'Gaga medium' will tap into the lucrative 21's demographic," said a Murdoch spokesman, adding that the 21's account for 99% of Apple sales, despite none of them having an actual job.

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Lady Gaga 7-day Scandal Forecast - Doing Everything Slutty Everywhere

Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.

"I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers."

Gaga's 7-day media forecast includes:

- birthing Motorola's new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).

- leading a "save the penguins" global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga's request.

- headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton's wedding.

- visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.

- being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.

- shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics ("I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation's economy around - that and miles of latex and my uber virginity").

- chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.

- saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new "Pash me in Paki" CD.

- hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.

- single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.

- bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.

"I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina."

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Killer Horror Solar Tsunami, Planned Iran War, Oklahoma Dirt Dooms Us All

If you can read this, it probably means you are not dead. Yet.

And that's surprising considering:

- the impending killer horror solar tsunami
- the impending killer horror nuclear war with Iran (or was it Iraq?)
- the impending killer horror EPA attack on Oklahoma's dirt.

Fox News wasn't clear at press time whether the killer horror solar tsunami was "something personal" between the sun and the Earth. But Fox quotes Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics as saying, "This eruption is directed right at us and is expected to get here early in the day on Aug. 4".

The Sun's surface erupted early Sunday morning, "shooting a wall of ionized atoms directly at Earth". It was expected to create a geomagnetic storm and a spectacular light show - and it could pose a threat to satellites in orbit.

Or, according to Fox News, it could possibly be the end of all life as we know it.

Meanwhile, Pentagon officials, bogged down with two unwinable wars in the Middle East, are planning a third war in the Middle East. This one against Iran, or Iraq. Possibly both. We get confused.

No, it's definitely against IRAN. The one against IRAQ was because it was run by a lunatic suspected of having weapons of mass destruction, who killed his own people on a whim. IRAN, on the other hand, is run by many lunatics who will soon have nuclear bombs to use in jihad against the infidel West. And possibly to crack down on illegal parking in downtown Tehran.

Because Pentagon officials are not allowed to comment on pending nuclear wars, except to Rolling Stone, the Washington Times quotes a retired Air Force Lt. Gen., as saying the Pentagon's top secret war plan against Iraq (check that, no, it's definitely Iran), will rely heavily on:

- B-2 stealth bombers
- Cruise missiles
- a "velvet revolution" so "the Iranian people can take back their country."

However, speaking on Meet the Press, Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, would only confirm that America has a "plan" for attacking Iraq. Or Iran. Possibly both. "It is an important option, and it's one that's well understood. Mainly."

(Ed note: confirming whether it's also well understood who is about to be nuked: Iraq, Iran or possibly Oklahoma.)

A pending assault on Oklahoma, or more correctly, its dirt, will be lead by the EPA, who may or may not use stealth bombers, cruise missiles and killer horror solar tsunamis.

What's clear is that the Obama Administration is taking an aggressive, "can do", posture against Oklahoma and its dirt - technically "farm dust".

According to a July 23 saber-rattling letter to Oklahoma's farm dust (check that, the letter is TO the Environmental Protection Agency, FROM Oklahoma senators or possibly the farm dust's PR spokesperson): "If approved, this would establish the most stringent and unparalleled regulation of dust in our nation's history."

Obama Administration observers believe that after EPA's first strike against Oklahoma's farm dust, a "velvet underground" of Sooner fans would take back their country. Or possibly Iran.

In any case, we are doomed.

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