Shocking Gallup Poll Leads Rupert Murdock to Lady Gaga's Thighs

A shocking Gallup poll shows that only 25% of Americans have a "great deal" or "quite a lot" of confidence in newspaper or television news, a 50% drop since 1995.

Young Americans are now getting most of their "trusted" news from Facebook and celebrity tattoos.

Young people - defined as the "21's", eg younger than 21, having at least 21 sexual partners and STDs, or owning at least 21 cell phones - have the lowest trust and attention span.

Newspaper readership among the 21's has reached rock bottom. In fact, only 3% of 21's have "read or come in contact with" a printed newspaper in the previous 12 months.

"I picked up a free newspaper once to wipe a Coke Zero spill off my iPad, and I got ink on my fingers. Ink! It was like, ewww, my iPad!" said one of those surveyed.

Rupert Murdoch, the 900-year-old owner of most of the world's bankrupt newspapers, dismissed the Gallup research as "bobby socks and poppycock".

"Our research shows that most young people, 900 percent I think, trust me and my newspapers, and they absolutely plan to *buy my newspapers."

* at least once before they die, possibly wrapping takeaway fish and chips

To increase trust and readership in the 21's demographic, Murdoch is negotiating with Lady Gaga over rights to her thighs.

"The negotiations include all areas in close proximity to her girly bits, which are exposed to billions of young people every day through actual physical contact and, to a lesser extent, the global media.

"There are some formatting issues, and we'll have to limit stories to 3-5 words, but we're confident the 'Gaga medium' will tap into the lucrative 21's demographic," said a Murdoch spokesman, adding that the 21's account for 99% of Apple sales, despite none of them having an actual job.

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