Lady Gaga 7-day Scandal Forecast - Doing Everything Slutty Everywhere

Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.

"I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers."

Gaga's 7-day media forecast includes:

- birthing Motorola's new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).

- leading a "save the penguins" global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga's request.

- headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton's wedding.

- visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.

- being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.

- shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics ("I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation's economy around - that and miles of latex and my uber virginity").

- chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.

- saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new "Pash me in Paki" CD.

- hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.

- single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.

- bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.

"I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina."

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Nancy Pelosi Lesbian Kiss On Oprah

PR Strategist: Madam Speaker, we need to look at your popularity ratings. They've never been good, but they are officially in the toilet.

Nancy Pelosi: How bad?

PR: Well, with an aggressive PR campaign, we might get you above BP and Kim Jong-il, but you'd still trail Hitler and George Bush.

Pelosi: Behind Dubya??? What can we do?

PR: How do you feel about kissing? In public?

Pelosi: You want me to lay one on my husband? Like Al Gore did on Tipper? That wasn't what I'd call a freeking success.

PR: We weren't thinking about your husband.

Pelosi: Who then? Surely you don't want me to kiss the President?

PR: Oh no, no, no.

Pelosi: Good, because that would really be pandering.

PR: We were thinking Michelle.

Pelosi: The First Lady! Are you crazy?

PR: Think Miley Cyrus. Sandra Bullock. Scarlett Johansson. Britney Spears.

Pelosi: What have those sluts got to do with me and the First Lady?

PR: They did 'girl kisses' and the scandals got enormous media coverage. We think you'd get a huge ratings bump in Blue States. And think about the Red States. The Teabaggers would go crazy.

Pelosi: They'd spew, wouldn't they? OK, it's worth discussing. But why snog the First Lady? Why not some other powerful woman.

PR: Like who?

Pelosi: Elena Kagan? After she gets confirmed.

PR: Too old.

Pelosi: The German Chancellor. What's her name?

PR: Angela Merkel. Too ugly.

Pelosi: (cringing) . Thank heavens. What about Cher or Hillary or, hey, what about Sarah Palin? I could slip her a little tongue after one of her soccer Mom speeches. The Red States would secede!

PR: All good ideas, Madam Speaker. But our polling is clear. You have to girl kiss the First Lady to improve your popularity, and way before the mid-term elections.

Pelosi: She and the President are OK with this?

PR: They are Democrats. They'll do whatever helps the party. And keeps Hillary on a leash.

Pelosi: Of course. So, where do we kiss?

PR: On the lips. This is for prime time news.

Pelosi: No, what's the VENUE?

PR: Oprah.

Pelosi: I've read Kitty Kelley's book. What if Oprah gets all excited?

PR: No, that would be too much ... even for the Blue States.

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Oprah and Fergie's Phone Tap Scandal

(May 2010)

Oprah: Sarah dear, what on earth were you thinking?

Fergie: Stand in line, Oprah. Go ahead and beat me up. I've been bagged by every journalist in the UK.

Oprah: And shagged by every sailor in Wales!

Fergie: Well, it takes a tart to know a tart... So what am I going to do now? My attorneys say I have to give back all the cash. That bloody bank transfer isn't going to happen. I have to move out of Andrew's house. And the only asset I have left is the ranch in Argen-freeking-tina. My sponsors have abandoned me as if I were a scandal slut like Tiger Woods.

Oprah: Not to worry, Sarah honey. Here's what we're going to do. You'll come on my show all fat and depressed. Really gorge and let your skin go. We'll start with your mea culpa and tears. Grab them by the throat at the top of the show. So wear lots of mascara, Sarah.

Fergie: Lots of mascara, right.

Oprah: After the first break, will replay your and Andrew’s Royal marriage and then show heaps of footage of you and Princess Diana. We'll really play on the public's love for Di, the skinny cow. I did NOT say that. After the second break we'll talk about your dire finances, how your daughters are such good girls and they're suffering so much. Boo hoo, more tears. More runny mascara. Think Tammy Faye Baker.

Fergie: After all those tears, I’ll be dehydrated. Can we drink champers during the show? That would be a big help.

Oprah: Nope, the FCC would have a cow. Besides, you need to be distraught, all pitiful and hugg-able, not a drunken sow. We'll get sloshed after the show, don't you worry about that.

Fergie: Oh, very well. But what about money? How much will this net me? We're friends, Oprah, but this is business, and I’m really in the schtuck.

Oprah: Plenty. My people will work out the details. Let's just worry about you being pathetic - tears and mascara and blotchy skin. My viewers will forgive anything if you are fat and have blotchy skin!

Fergie: In honesty, O, I still don't see the big deal about selling an introduction to Andrew. I've been doing it for 20 years. I didn’t do anything vulgar, like outing Andrew as a poof. I'd never do that… Should I do that on your show? Out him? Would that rate? How much would that be worth?

Oprah: Let me think about that. We'd gain big in the 18-49 demographic. We'd pull a 5.9 or 6 and sucker punch Judge Judy! Cow. But the Queen would have our guts for garters. No, let’s not ‘out’ Andrew. But maybe in a few weeks he could come on my show and out himself. No THAT would rate! Sarah, how much would you need to arrange that with old Randy Andy?

Fergie: At least $50,000 in cash, and then a wire transfer of half a million, I mean a million. That's sort of my going rate. And, O, you've got to promise that you won't do any secret filming about the money, OK?

Oprah: Sarah dear, of course we'd never do that. So, I'll see you next week. Eat a lot of chocolate and really blob out, sweetheart. You need to be Princess Pathetic. See you then. Mwah.

Oprah hangs up and calls in her assistant.

Oprah: Make sure the surveillance cameras in the green room are HDTV. No wait! Install the new 3-D gear. Just imagine Fergie and her briefcase full of cash in 3-D. Now that would blow Judge Judy right off her bench. Cow.

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Miley the Achy Breaky Lesbian Scandal

"OK, what have you got for us," Billy Ray Cyrus asks the PR strategist, as his daughter Miley paints her toenails.

"We've had 2.12 billion hits of Miley's lap dance - that's all screens and print. And we should top that with her lesbian kiss on Britain's Got Talent," said the PR.

"Gimme the business plan. So what's next? Is Miley turning into a drunk or P addict for the June news cycle, or does she go all little girl for awhile. Or is she raped or pregnant or getting an abortion or going into rehab? I've lost my Gantt scandal chart."

"Here Daddy, just use my i-phone. Click Miley Slut. It will be a killer app when it goes live in July, but this beta version works OK," says Miley, turning her attention back to her feet. "Which color goes best on my toes - black or dark purple? I think black will go best with August's SHOCK nipple ring photo shoot, and black goes with the car crash black-and-blue face photos in September."

"Peanut, I think they're both nice. You look great in black and blue... So, where were we? Brief me on the next quarter."

"Our focus groups and digi-polling show that Lady Gaga has SLUT all locked up. So Miley, honey, you need to put away the Goth colours and pull out the Disney pastels again. Now don't throw a fit, it's just until Gaga ends her tour. We need to go all mainstream media this cycle, all Hannah Montana redux. BUT, you'll love this, we'll re-use all this Hanna footage in our huge pre-Christmas campaign. Are you ready? Headline - "Daddy and Disney Horrified by Miley Sex tape."

"Finally, my sex tape! Wicked!"

"Is this the real sex tape or like the lap dance thing - all hype?" asks Billy Ray. "If it's the real sex tape, are we using the footage we shot when Miley was 14 with the quarterback or the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? It's a shame Justin Bieber was only 9 back then."

"No, we'll use the Cowboys footage when Miley goes into rehab 3Q 2011. This content is the soft porn Miley shot with the hand-held in her treehouse when she was 11. You know, the one where she did the striptease to Achy Breaky Heart, and all the neighborhood kids were dressed in Disney animal costumes."

"That was SO FUN, Daddy," squeals Miley, as she leafs through a celebrity rehab brochure.

"Your Daddy still loves that song, honey bear. And you looked so cute singin' it in in your momma's black S&M stockings," says Billy Ray, briefly smiling at the memory, but then refocusing on the business at hand.

"What's my angle, my media spin? I need an Excel spreadsheet of my media statements for each campaign. I do not want to leave any money on the table. What's my line again when Miley goes all porno - 'She was just having fun; that's what kids her age do'"?

"No, that was the lap dance comment but it has legs. It also goes with the first 'Drunken Miley' footage and possibly the lezzy kiss shot with Gaga, but I want to focus group that one again. No, your line for Miley's Porno is, "Miley is just a victim of technology. My little girl's privacy has been invaded and it makes me really angry. She's just so upset, and it's so unfair!"

"That's all? I thought I was getting more air time - and I was going to punch out a paparazzi or slap the porn boy around. Remember I've got an album coming out, too!"

"Daddy, this is all about ME, ME, ME, remember? You know I am totally there for you and your comeback, but let's stay on message. You can get your TARPS after my abortion and suicide attempt scandal next fiscal year, OK, my dearest Daddeeeeeee?"

"Oh all right. Daddy's little girl is just getting so growed up."

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