Shocking Gallup Poll Leads Rupert Murdock to Lady Gaga's Thighs

A shocking Gallup poll shows that only 25% of Americans have a "great deal" or "quite a lot" of confidence in newspaper or television news, a 50% drop since 1995.

Young Americans are now getting most of their "trusted" news from Facebook and celebrity tattoos.

Young people - defined as the "21's", eg younger than 21, having at least 21 sexual partners and STDs, or owning at least 21 cell phones - have the lowest trust and attention span.

Newspaper readership among the 21's has reached rock bottom. In fact, only 3% of 21's have "read or come in contact with" a printed newspaper in the previous 12 months.

"I picked up a free newspaper once to wipe a Coke Zero spill off my iPad, and I got ink on my fingers. Ink! It was like, ewww, my iPad!" said one of those surveyed.

Rupert Murdoch, the 900-year-old owner of most of the world's bankrupt newspapers, dismissed the Gallup research as "bobby socks and poppycock".

"Our research shows that most young people, 900 percent I think, trust me and my newspapers, and they absolutely plan to *buy my newspapers."

* at least once before they die, possibly wrapping takeaway fish and chips

To increase trust and readership in the 21's demographic, Murdoch is negotiating with Lady Gaga over rights to her thighs.

"The negotiations include all areas in close proximity to her girly bits, which are exposed to billions of young people every day through actual physical contact and, to a lesser extent, the global media.

"There are some formatting issues, and we'll have to limit stories to 3-5 words, but we're confident the 'Gaga medium' will tap into the lucrative 21's demographic," said a Murdoch spokesman, adding that the 21's account for 99% of Apple sales, despite none of them having an actual job.

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Lady Gaga 7-day Scandal Forecast - Doing Everything Slutty Everywhere

Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.

"I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers."

Gaga's 7-day media forecast includes:

- birthing Motorola's new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).

- leading a "save the penguins" global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga's request.

- headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton's wedding.

- visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.

- being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.

- shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics ("I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation's economy around - that and miles of latex and my uber virginity").

- chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.

- saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new "Pash me in Paki" CD.

- hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.

- single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.

- bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.

"I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina."

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Killer Horror Solar Tsunami, Planned Iran War, Oklahoma Dirt Dooms Us All

If you can read this, it probably means you are not dead. Yet.

And that's surprising considering:

- the impending killer horror solar tsunami
- the impending killer horror nuclear war with Iran (or was it Iraq?)
- the impending killer horror EPA attack on Oklahoma's dirt.

Fox News wasn't clear at press time whether the killer horror solar tsunami was "something personal" between the sun and the Earth. But Fox quotes Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics as saying, "This eruption is directed right at us and is expected to get here early in the day on Aug. 4".

The Sun's surface erupted early Sunday morning, "shooting a wall of ionized atoms directly at Earth". It was expected to create a geomagnetic storm and a spectacular light show - and it could pose a threat to satellites in orbit.

Or, according to Fox News, it could possibly be the end of all life as we know it.

Meanwhile, Pentagon officials, bogged down with two unwinable wars in the Middle East, are planning a third war in the Middle East. This one against Iran, or Iraq. Possibly both. We get confused.

No, it's definitely against IRAN. The one against IRAQ was because it was run by a lunatic suspected of having weapons of mass destruction, who killed his own people on a whim. IRAN, on the other hand, is run by many lunatics who will soon have nuclear bombs to use in jihad against the infidel West. And possibly to crack down on illegal parking in downtown Tehran.

Because Pentagon officials are not allowed to comment on pending nuclear wars, except to Rolling Stone, the Washington Times quotes a retired Air Force Lt. Gen., as saying the Pentagon's top secret war plan against Iraq (check that, no, it's definitely Iran), will rely heavily on:

- B-2 stealth bombers
- Cruise missiles
- a "velvet revolution" so "the Iranian people can take back their country."

However, speaking on Meet the Press, Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, would only confirm that America has a "plan" for attacking Iraq. Or Iran. Possibly both. "It is an important option, and it's one that's well understood. Mainly."

(Ed note: confirming whether it's also well understood who is about to be nuked: Iraq, Iran or possibly Oklahoma.)

A pending assault on Oklahoma, or more correctly, its dirt, will be lead by the EPA, who may or may not use stealth bombers, cruise missiles and killer horror solar tsunamis.

What's clear is that the Obama Administration is taking an aggressive, "can do", posture against Oklahoma and its dirt - technically "farm dust".

According to a July 23 saber-rattling letter to Oklahoma's farm dust (check that, the letter is TO the Environmental Protection Agency, FROM Oklahoma senators or possibly the farm dust's PR spokesperson): "If approved, this would establish the most stringent and unparalleled regulation of dust in our nation's history."

Obama Administration observers believe that after EPA's first strike against Oklahoma's farm dust, a "velvet underground" of Sooner fans would take back their country. Or possibly Iran.

In any case, we are doomed.

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Top 10 Picks for New American Idol Judge

Ellen has danced off the Idol stage, and JLo's booty has entered. But who's to replace Simon Cowell? Hollywood bookies say the top 10 contenders are:

1) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. As imminently likable as Cowell, and certain to boost voting when he calls Muslim tweenies to text jihad.

2) Geraldo Rivera. His ego dwarfs Cowell's although that, like quantuum physics, is impossible to grasp.

3) Tiger Woods. It's not like his golf game is on fire. And he has a thing for JLo booty types.

4) Al Gore. Making Idol "sustainable" is a major challenge. Mr "An Inconvenient Truth" has the greenest credentials and he reportedly has quite a following amongst the massage community.

5) Ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Many Cowell-like qualities. Impressive Hair? Check. Jerk factor? At least a 10. But large question mark over Blago's availability, pending sentencing.

6) Dog the Bounty Hunter. He, and his missus, yowza, are the only contenders with bigger pecs than Cowell.

7) Steve Jobs. A very strategic dark horse (dressed in black...dark horse...get it? har). He makes a slight tweak to iPad and iPhone software and, voila, 100 billion iDol votes are cast each week and squillions more iSongs are downloaded.

8) Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but he's never been bigger. And even in his present condition (technically: dead), he'll be as helpful as Randy Jackson. Know what I'm saying, dawg?

9) Simon Cowell Jr. There is a strong rumor that Simon had a love child with himself.

10) Chelsea Clinton. A long shot, but consider: her Father has a long history with teenage girls, Idol's core demographic. Ewwww.

And your personal nominees are..............


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I'm Fabulously Rich! A Prominent Law Partner from Portugal Says So!

Finally, my ship has come in! I've struck gold! The rich relative died and I am IN THE WILL!

Well, actually, there isn't a Will, but that's why we're rich. Wahoo!

It took long enough. Everyone I know has already received millions from Publishers Clearing House or squillions from Nigerian bankers. I've seen their letters. But for me? Not a sausage. Until now!

I just received an official letter - posted, not emailed, it's so official - from Dan Ricardo, Ricardo & Associates, "Litigation & Corporate LLM", who is an expert in corporate and legal claims.

Dan Ricardo's client, miraculously, in total serendipity, deposited $32 million USD "at the vault of a financial institution here in Portugal." Alas, he or she left no Will at the time of his or her death (Interstate) in March 2007.

In a brilliant stroke of luck for me, and I quote exactly from Dan's official letter, "because of the international financial crises, allot of reform has been made within the Portuguese Financial system, this includes the new law on succession/claims which indicates a duration in which such inheritance could be tolerated."

Dan Ricardo, who is "legally equipped with all necessary information/documentations concerning this fund," is prepared to give me 40% of the $32 million USD), keep 40% for himself (fair is fair), and give 20% to a charity in Portugal. Or "your country"!

What a genuine, generous guy, is our Dan, Prominent Law Partner!

I know you are suspicious, thinking this is a Nigerian type scam. You are so cynical and so wrong. I'll give you four reasons.

First, Dan Ricardo is from Portugal (which was ranked 8th by FIFA and Coca-Cola following the World Cup), not from a corrupt backwater country like Nigeria (which was rated a lousy 30th by FIFA).

Second, those Nigerian scamsters always ask you to give THEM money before they give YOU money. Dan Ricardo, who I will remind you is a Prominent Law Partner with Ricardo & Associates (whose logo is the Scales of Justice), has not asked me for a bean.

Third, Dan Ricardo is willing to give $6.4 million USD of our shared fortune to charity, and he is not required to do that by Portugal's "allot of reform". He is just a humanitarian. (Muy bueno, Dan!)

Fourth, it is Dan Ricardo's "concern to demand (my) ultimate honesty, co-operation and confidentiality." And he means this, deeply, from the bottom of his heart. I can just tell.

As you would expect, Dan Ricardo, a Partner in a MAJOR Portuguese law firm (remember the Scales of Justice logo), is a busy man. He is presently in their Barcelona office. Immediately after I contact him by fax or email, he will advise "how this could be concluded". And, don't worry, he GUARANTEES that this process will be "executed under a legitimate arrangement that would legally protect (me) from any breach of law."

But wait, there's more!

Not only did Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner, send me ONE of these $32 million USD letters. He sent me TWO!

Even though neither has my name spelled exactly right -- in fact, the second one is addressed to someone in another city with another name -- Dan Ricardo has guaranteed this "legitimate arrangement". He has provided his contact numbers (Private Number +3519111 7238), office (+3493545317-Ext5), fax (+34 933 807 49 OR +34954 322 22) and his email addresses (ricdan585@yahoo.com or danric585@gmail.com.

How legit is that?

I know that my friends will all be toasting my incredible good fortune! I ask each of you to suggest which charities in Portugal or New Zealand should receive the $12.8 million USD (from two letters, remember).

And I would be willing to bet that Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner that he is, would allow us to donate to charities in other countries as well. He probably would even be happy to talk to you, and keep your contact details on file, just in case one of your relatives should be his client, die (Interstate), and have no Will.

He's that kind of guy.

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Lindsay Lohan: 10 reasons why I love being in jail!

1) I look so effing hot in orange! Boilermaker suits rock!

2) Being with all these jail girls makes Sam sooo jealous! Bitch!

3) I own Twitter! Miley who? Paris WHO?

4) No ankle bracelet!

5) Reality TV here I come! My show? How about 'Get out of jail free'!

6) Lockdown! I love to cause them! Lockdown! Lockdown! Lockdown! I rock!

7) Stick, the 'girl next door', is giving me a jail tattoo! With prison ink! Wicked!

8) No makeup. No knickers. No paparazzi. No life :-{

9) I hope they'll let my sweet, caring, wonderful Daddy come for a sleep-over! For like 20 years!

10) Only five more sleeps until I get out! Better than Christmas! Wicked!


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Shocking photo of Oksana Testifying Against Mel

Photo: Oksana, without makeup, gives secret testimony


This exclusive surveillance photo, at left, was secretly snapped earlier today in court when Oksana Grigorieva provided shocking testimony against former lover, Mel Gibson.

Her explosively, and pungent, evidence had previously been leaked - in high definition video and surround sound - to CNN, Fox News, ABC, NBC, CBS, Al Jazeera, Oprah Winfrey and Perez Hilton. (Note: the leaked evidence had earlier been rejected by scandal monger Geraldo Rivera, who said: "This is so low, so disgusting that even I cannot go there, and that's saying something.")

However, Oksana's legal spokeswoman told TMZ, "Mr. Gibson persists in attempting to 'litigate' this matter in the media, and continues to launch false accusations against the mother of his child.

"Unlike Mr. Gibson, Ms. Grigorieva has not, and will not engage in this type of undignified banter in the press," she added, as the pong of her client's yellowish testimony drifted over the media conference.


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