Bernanke's New Gazillion-Dollar Stimulus Package: 'Innovative and Possibly Radioactive'

Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Friday that the Federal Reserve will soon deploy an unconventional stimulus package to jump-start the nation's ailing economy.

An innovative Public Private Partnership (PPP) will find the Federal Aviation Administration and major airlines combining their efforts to increase revenue, with each party receiving 50%.

Under the PPP, many British Airways flights now include a message stating the airplane is about to crash into the North Sea. Immediately after airing the message, cabin crew conduct in-flight auctions for life rafts, emergency radios and spear guns. Only frequent flyers are allowed to bid.

"We've found that passengers, who are normally very frugal, bid quite liberally for Premier Class items, like the lift rafts. And if total bids reach a floating reserve, the planes will not actually crash. The first few auctions have been quite successful, bringing in about $17 million per flight, less the cost of dry cleaning the seats," said an airline spokesperson.

Vice President Joe Biden said the Obama Administration also plans to "hit the stimulus accelerator" in profit-sharing arrangements with states, the pharmaceutical and retail sectors.

California and New York have widened their definition of "medical use", allowing motorists to purchase federally grown marijuana from kiosks located on all major toll roads.

"As long as motorists confirm that they have a medical condition - like needing to get stoned - they can purchase the medical marijuana and qualify for two-for-one burritos at participating Taco Bells. Our forecasts show that this effort should bring in $200 bazillion gillion in the first year alone. But these estimates could be slightly fuzzy, because our economists took the toll road, if you catch our drift," said Bernanke.

The National Rifle Association and Hertz have launched a joint venture with the State of Arizona and key Mexican drug cartels. Under the agreement, vehicles and automatic weapons may be picked up in Mexico City and returned in Phoenix (unlimited mileage and bullets; $2 million deductable on all lost cocaine shipments).

The US Defense Department and elGordo are launching the world's largest lottery. In the "Big Bang Iran" game, bettors choose when Iran will activate its nuclear reactor or be turned into a glowing parking lot by Israel. In a unique twist, the public can purchase "DoD Stimulus Dollars" to encourage their preferred outcome.

Vice President Biden said he expects huge interest in 'Big Bang Iran', especially from the U.S. Jewish community and global Jihadists organizations.

"In Big Bang Iran and within the entire new stimulus package, the Obama Administration will not be playing favorites or picking winners. Our only goal is to build on successes achieved by the gazillion-jillion dollar stimulus package launched last year, which has already seen the creation of at least 1.7 million jobs, including at least three outside of the federal government."

Try to relax - ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:

Monkeys.

The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline - 'Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?' and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.

Gators

The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don't have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the street. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed... who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran's Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We'll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.

Killer Horror Solar Tsunami, Planned Iran War, Oklahoma Dirt Dooms Us All

If you can read this, it probably means you are not dead. Yet.

And that's surprising considering:

- the impending killer horror solar tsunami
- the impending killer horror nuclear war with Iran (or was it Iraq?)
- the impending killer horror EPA attack on Oklahoma's dirt.

Fox News wasn't clear at press time whether the killer horror solar tsunami was "something personal" between the sun and the Earth. But Fox quotes Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics as saying, "This eruption is directed right at us and is expected to get here early in the day on Aug. 4".

The Sun's surface erupted early Sunday morning, "shooting a wall of ionized atoms directly at Earth". It was expected to create a geomagnetic storm and a spectacular light show - and it could pose a threat to satellites in orbit.

Or, according to Fox News, it could possibly be the end of all life as we know it.

Meanwhile, Pentagon officials, bogged down with two unwinable wars in the Middle East, are planning a third war in the Middle East. This one against Iran, or Iraq. Possibly both. We get confused.

No, it's definitely against IRAN. The one against IRAQ was because it was run by a lunatic suspected of having weapons of mass destruction, who killed his own people on a whim. IRAN, on the other hand, is run by many lunatics who will soon have nuclear bombs to use in jihad against the infidel West. And possibly to crack down on illegal parking in downtown Tehran.

Because Pentagon officials are not allowed to comment on pending nuclear wars, except to Rolling Stone, the Washington Times quotes a retired Air Force Lt. Gen., as saying the Pentagon's top secret war plan against Iraq (check that, no, it's definitely Iran), will rely heavily on:

- B-2 stealth bombers
- Cruise missiles
- a "velvet revolution" so "the Iranian people can take back their country."

However, speaking on Meet the Press, Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, would only confirm that America has a "plan" for attacking Iraq. Or Iran. Possibly both. "It is an important option, and it's one that's well understood. Mainly."

(Ed note: confirming whether it's also well understood who is about to be nuked: Iraq, Iran or possibly Oklahoma.)

A pending assault on Oklahoma, or more correctly, its dirt, will be lead by the EPA, who may or may not use stealth bombers, cruise missiles and killer horror solar tsunamis.

What's clear is that the Obama Administration is taking an aggressive, "can do", posture against Oklahoma and its dirt - technically "farm dust".

According to a July 23 saber-rattling letter to Oklahoma's farm dust (check that, the letter is TO the Environmental Protection Agency, FROM Oklahoma senators or possibly the farm dust's PR spokesperson): "If approved, this would establish the most stringent and unparalleled regulation of dust in our nation's history."

Obama Administration observers believe that after EPA's first strike against Oklahoma's farm dust, a "velvet underground" of Sooner fans would take back their country. Or possibly Iran.

In any case, we are doomed.

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Sarkozy's nipple frenzy at White House

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the media. Presidents Obama and Sarkozy have completed their prepared statements. As agreed, they will now take media questions."

FOX NEWS:

"President Obama, I noticed at the State dinner that President Sarkozy very much enjoyed dancing with the First Lady. I have to say their height difference caused, uhm, a titter amongst some journalists. Do either of you have any comment?"



PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Next question..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY:

(After a translation from his staff member, which included hand gestures of pinching nipples, a now very alert French President says) "Yes, very much is true. The President and I see eye-to-eye on many things, including Iran. But I much prefer making eye contact with the lovely First Lady. As President Berlusconi says, 'badda bing'.

(More snickers from the press corp, as the White House Spokesman tries to regain control, but not before Sarkozy, on his tip-toes, can add...)

"And I theenk the First Lady appreciates being with a true Frenchman who talks softly and carries his beeg stick, if you know what I mean."

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Any other questions, on IRAN?"

FOX NEWS

"Follow up question. President Sarkozy, would you or Tom Cruise be the bigger ladies man, at least in the eyes of Michelle Obama?"

(CNN's pin-striped correspondent angrily elbows FOX, as howls of laughter erupt)

(The translator leaps backwards, onto the couch, Tom-Cruise-on-Oprah style, makes a nipple-pinching gesture, and looks adoringly at Mrs Obama, who has walked into the press conference arm-in-arm with Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.)

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"With utmost respect to Mr Cruise, I would, shall we say, have the Top Gun."

(Sarkozy winks at Michelle Obama. All media, except CNN and the New York Times, fall on the floor laughing... President Obama, slightly red faced, turns to his French counterpart...)

PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Perhaps the President would comment on what his lovely First Lady was wearing last night. A fashion editor admired her dress' startlingly deep neckline..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"Peuff (he says, with an expression of disdain). The entire world has seen my wife's cleavages, even her own two buttocks. Thees is old news. But as to Mrs Obama's fit and athletic First nipples..."

(FIRST LADY CARLA BRUNI-SARKOZI walks to the lectern and kicks the box out from under her husband, dropping him six inches to the ground, now eye level with her elbow, which she thrusts into his eye.)

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Simon Cowell Sorts Out North Korea, Obama

In New Zealand, our episodes are behind the US schedules. Last night we got the first of the girls' top-12 shows.

For the thousandth time, I was thinking thinking that Simon Cowell gets it, says it, and sorts it. His annoying black skin-tight shirts aside, the guy suffers no BS or fools.

Made me think how great it would be if he was Speaker of the House. Better, if he actually ran the country and had ultimate power - picture Singapore under Lee Kuan Yew. I can hear him...

To Nancy Pelossi: "If I'm being honest, I couldn't listen to what you were saying because I kept wondering if you would ever blink. Song choice is more important than face lifts."

To President Obama: "I found it a bit indulgent. 'Yes we can' may be a terrific campaign song, but, really, it's mindless toss. And you're too skinny for an important black man. How can we take you seriously for the long run."

To Iran and North Korea: "Let's get real. You have nukes. You are insane. You need to be stopped. You're going home..."

It would work, eh?