Shocking Gallup Poll Leads Rupert Murdock to Lady Gaga's Thighs

A shocking Gallup poll shows that only 25% of Americans have a "great deal" or "quite a lot" of confidence in newspaper or television news, a 50% drop since 1995.

Young Americans are now getting most of their "trusted" news from Facebook and celebrity tattoos.

Young people - defined as the "21's", eg younger than 21, having at least 21 sexual partners and STDs, or owning at least 21 cell phones - have the lowest trust and attention span.

Newspaper readership among the 21's has reached rock bottom. In fact, only 3% of 21's have "read or come in contact with" a printed newspaper in the previous 12 months.

"I picked up a free newspaper once to wipe a Coke Zero spill off my iPad, and I got ink on my fingers. Ink! It was like, ewww, my iPad!" said one of those surveyed.

Rupert Murdoch, the 900-year-old owner of most of the world's bankrupt newspapers, dismissed the Gallup research as "bobby socks and poppycock".

"Our research shows that most young people, 900 percent I think, trust me and my newspapers, and they absolutely plan to *buy my newspapers."

* at least once before they die, possibly wrapping takeaway fish and chips

To increase trust and readership in the 21's demographic, Murdoch is negotiating with Lady Gaga over rights to her thighs.

"The negotiations include all areas in close proximity to her girly bits, which are exposed to billions of young people every day through actual physical contact and, to a lesser extent, the global media.

"There are some formatting issues, and we'll have to limit stories to 3-5 words, but we're confident the 'Gaga medium' will tap into the lucrative 21's demographic," said a Murdoch spokesman, adding that the 21's account for 99% of Apple sales, despite none of them having an actual job.

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Black Man or iMan in Black? Jobs Beats Obama

Barack Obama is a tall, thin, black man who controls our nukes. Steve Jobs is a tall, thin man in black who controls our iToys.

Obama is thin because the job is eating his liver. Jobs is thin because he kicked the hell out of pancreatic cancer and then got a new liver as well.

Why does the skinny, black man with the nukes wield less power than the skinny man in black with the iToys? Let's review a few case studies.

Issue: BP destroys the Gulf's economy.

Action: President Obama teleprompts hither and thither, eventually touches a wad of black goo on the beach and looks slightly miffed, then goes all Dirty Harry (lite) about "whose ass to kick."


Issue: An Apple staff member says the iPad or iPhone or iAnything will ship 10 seconds late.

Action: Steve Jobs eats his liver, burns his home, and sells his wife and children into slavery. Oddly, all iToys are shipped on time.


Issue: Those pesky Iranians keep developing their own nukes, thumbing their noses at the UN and the U.S.

Action: The UN has a really looooong meeting. President Obama gives a loooong speech and then goes to a concert, staying "involved and in charge" via his Blackberry. (Meanwhile, Israel is scrambling nuke-laden fighters toward Iran in 5, 4, 3...)


Issue: At least 114,000 i-Pad owners, including White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, have their information compromised, thanks to AT&T.

Obama action: He texts Rahm: "At least my Blackberry is secure. LOL."

Jobs action: AT&T becomes known as "A", as Steve Jobs rips its T&T to shreds with his teeth. Unsatisfied, he i-diverts Israeli jets to headquarters of the former AT&T, which now looks like downtown Baghdad, but with more holes and sand.


Summary

Being black, or wearing black, is not the deal. Being i-smarter, i-ballsier and eating the occasional liver is what power is all about.

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