Tuesday, May 25, 2010

We Will Not Stand for 'Man Heels'!

OK, we admit it. I speak for all men in admitting that, as men of the male gender, we have done a few bad things.

War, mullets and making toe lakes while standing up and peeing come to mind.

And 10 cent beer night, fart noises and golf.

OK, maybe add to the list large bore paintball guns, remote controls and really big breast implants.

We accept that women have grounds to feel some resentment toward men. Possibly even to retaliate a little.

So, as a gender, we men did not complain when our world was subjected to abuse or ridicule. No, we bit our tongues till they bled.

In our atonement, we, as men, publicly testified that having a baby is the WORST PAIN IN THE UNIVERSE - way worse than banging your thumb with a ball peen hammer, or even taking a fastball in the goolies (well, it's worse than the thumb banging thing, anyway).

So we've done our mea culpa. We've slept on the couch. We've eaten your Jenny Craig meals. (Lawsy lawsy lawsy).

But there is a point where female retribution against men must cease. Torture must stop.

Yet there is a dark brooding force surrounding us. This malevolent force is attempting to foist the most horrific torture on us that mankind has ever seen.

And we simply cannot stand for it. Our ankles just won't take it. Have mercy...

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Sunday, May 23, 2010

Miley the Achy Breaky Lesbian Scandal

"OK, what have you got for us," Billy Ray Cyrus asks the PR strategist, as his daughter Miley paints her toenails.

"We've had 2.12 billion hits of Miley's lap dance - that's all screens and print. And we should top that with her lesbian kiss on Britain's Got Talent," said the PR.

"Gimme the business plan. So what's next? Is Miley turning into a drunk or P addict for the June news cycle, or does she go all little girl for awhile. Or is she raped or pregnant or getting an abortion or going into rehab? I've lost my Gantt scandal chart."

"Here Daddy, just use my i-phone. Click Miley Slut. It will be a killer app when it goes live in July, but this beta version works OK," says Miley, turning her attention back to her feet. "Which color goes best on my toes - black or dark purple? I think black will go best with August's SHOCK nipple ring photo shoot, and black goes with the car crash black-and-blue face photos in September."

"Peanut, I think they're both nice. You look great in black and blue... So, where were we? Brief me on the next quarter."

"Our focus groups and digi-polling show that Lady Gaga has SLUT all locked up. So Miley, honey, you need to put away the Goth colours and pull out the Disney pastels again. Now don't throw a fit, it's just until Gaga ends her tour. We need to go all mainstream media this cycle, all Hannah Montana redux. BUT, you'll love this, we'll re-use all this Hanna footage in our huge pre-Christmas campaign. Are you ready? Headline - "Daddy and Disney Horrified by Miley Sex tape."

"Finally, my sex tape! Wicked!"

"Is this the real sex tape or like the lap dance thing - all hype?" asks Billy Ray. "If it's the real sex tape, are we using the footage we shot when Miley was 14 with the quarterback or the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? It's a shame Justin Bieber was only 9 back then."

"No, we'll use the Cowboys footage when Miley goes into rehab 3Q 2011. This content is the soft porn Miley shot with the hand-held in her treehouse when she was 11. You know, the one where she did the striptease to Achy Breaky Heart, and all the neighborhood kids were dressed in Disney animal costumes."

"That was SO FUN, Daddy," squeals Miley, as she leafs through a celebrity rehab brochure.

"Your Daddy still loves that song, honey bear. And you looked so cute singin' it in in your momma's black S&M stockings," says Billy Ray, briefly smiling at the memory, but then refocusing on the business at hand.

"What's my angle, my media spin? I need an Excel spreadsheet of my media statements for each campaign. I do not want to leave any money on the table. What's my line again when Miley goes all porno - 'She was just having fun; that's what kids her age do'"?

"No, that was the lap dance comment but it has legs. It also goes with the first 'Drunken Miley' footage and possibly the lezzy kiss shot with Gaga, but I want to focus group that one again. No, your line for Miley's Porno is, "Miley is just a victim of technology. My little girl's privacy has been invaded and it makes me really angry. She's just so upset, and it's so unfair!"

"That's all? I thought I was getting more air time - and I was going to punch out a paparazzi or slap the porn boy around. Remember I've got an album coming out, too!"

"Daddy, this is all about ME, ME, ME, remember? You know I am totally there for you and your comeback, but let's stay on message. You can get your TARPS after my abortion and suicide attempt scandal next fiscal year, OK, my dearest Daddeeeeeee?"

"Oh all right. Daddy's little girl is just getting so growed up."

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Saturday, May 22, 2010

OK, I lied...

Well, not so much lied as was exasperated when I wrote Where is the funny?


If you have not gone to Hyperbole and a half, go there NOW! Start with World's Best Relationship Tips. Or the dinosaur goose.

Really, go there now.

Then you can say you knew Allie when she was dead, well not dead, exactly, but dead funny. No other writer/artist/insane person in her 20s can appeal to the masses who matter. She will be famous or committed real soon.

If you aren't so much a city folk, and appreciate F-bombs and hysterically tough middle-age mothers, Pretty All True will kill you. Start with the Sucker Dog. Har.

And share any funny sites in comments! Life is too short to read bad humor.


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Thursday, May 20, 2010

Privacy? Facebook can see your Johnson!

All the worry and gnashing of teeth about Facebook and privacy issues is completely overblown, the company's CEO explains in this interview conducted today over Facebook.

CNN: Mr. Zuckerberg, exactly what have you been secretly doing to invade our privacy?

Facebook CEO: People love Facebook. That's why 11 billion people 'Facebook' every day. We are all about community and communication. Our motto makes that clear - "To know more about you than Google, and then tell everyone, for a fee". But we totally, 100% respect everyone's wish for privacy. That's why you only have to tick one box (on page 273 of our easy-to-understand privacy disclaimer) if you don't want Facebook to distribute your personal information to everyone in the known universe.

CNN: So all I have to do is tick that one box and then you won't share my personal information with other websites, is that correct?

FB CEO: Oh no, no, no. If you tick that box, we won't share your personal info with your friends. We'll still send it to thousands of other websites, Google, and the Obama Administration. Your privacy is absolutely of paramount importance to us.

CNN: Then can you explain the recent changes, so Facebook users will stop worrying about their privacy?

FB CEO: Absolutely. Happy to be totally transparent. Just like your trousers. Great tattoos."

CNN: Excuse me? You can see my tattoos?

FB CEO: Just the one on your butt. I can't make out the one on your 'Johnson'. We've just started using the same scanning technology used at major airports - all to ensure your 100% privacy. But if you don't want that level of protection, or having us share your tattoos with grandma or your employer, simply tick the box on page 2,075 of our easy-to-read, fully transparent, privacy disclaimer. You want to get that?

CNN: Get what?

FB CEO: Your front door.

CNN's doorbell: Ding dong.

FB CEO: And your phone.

CNN's i-phone Justin Bieber ring tone: Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.


FB CEO: Not totally. We're beta testing with Google a new app that lets us see through doors and into the future. We can only see about 10 seconds into your future right now, but by 2Q 2011 we should be able to look forward to about 2025. By looking into the future of all 111 billion FB users, and their children, we can absolutely protect everyone's privacy. You've got cute kids, by the way.

CNN: What? I'm single. I don't have any kids.

FB CEO: Oh, right. I couldn't know about your children because you adjusted your privacy settings next Thursday. BTW, the tattoo on your Johnson is clear now... Why have you got FOX NEWS tattooed on it?


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Monday, May 17, 2010

10 props for New Zealand

10 reasons New Zealand is better:

1) Our defense force is led by non-nuclear Hobbits, Orcs and Ents.

2) Everyone wants to COME here, but we are so far away that only a SELECT FEW ever get here.

3) Kiwi Ernest Rutherford was first to split the atom, but we are a non-nuclear country (see non-nuke Hobbits mention above).

4) NZ has no snakes or killer horror animals like crocodiles or actual Australians (who are all next door in Aussie).

5) Rugby is THE contact sport. It's fast (matches are under two hours) and dangerous (rugby players eat their dead).

6) The Prime Minister appeared on Letterman to do the Top 10 and be mocked by Dave; no worries, mate.

7) Once scientists discover how to generate electricity with sheep, NZ will rule the world. (Note: NZ has 34 million sheep and 4 million people).

8) Kiwis do it different. Toilet water goes down the wrong way. You get lights to go off by flicking the switch on (up). And "fush'n'chups" (not sheep) is the nation's favorite food.

9)NZ's weekend begins 14 hours before New York City's, which is good because...

10) NZ women are the most promiscuous in the world (2007), having an average of 20.4 sexual partners, compared to 16.8 for men.

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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

BP Sucks

Having failed repeatedly to cap its leaking, the oil giant is offering $10 million to anyone who can figure out how to plug the well. Suggestions are pouring in.

Caller LeRoy Hubbard from Gotebo, Oklahoma: "Oncet we busted off a far hydrant with Billie Sue's Bronco. Woo-wee, you shoulda seen the gusher. Anyways, afore the law got there, we plugged it up reel good. Tweren't nothin special. We just hog-tied the Mayor's mule and sorta dragged it over the water pipe. Ah thank you could drop a really beeg mule on that there all rig. Where kin ah get mah money?"

Caller Charles Barkley: "This whole thing is just stoopid. All they need to do is give me one of those deep sea diving suits and a dozen basketballs. I'm fat but I can still go to the hole. I'll plug up that sucker in time for supper. Now gimme my money."

Caller George Bush from Crawford Texas:
"Before everyone goes nucular on this, they need to just stop and smell the cupcakes. I'll ring old Dick Cheney and he'll fix it. What's that Laura honey? Oh, Halliburton poured the rig's concrete before it blew up... I'll just hang up now..."

Caller John Madden : "Okay, okay. You've got Brett Favre on this huge barge. You've got Jason Witten going deep, really deep - about 1,500 yards deep, because he's not a one-dimensional tight end. He can run, block and dive. So Favre drops back, the waves are rockin' and rollin' the barge. Favre looks left, he's about to be sacked by Shamu. He steps into the pocket. He hits Witten. Witten puts his head down and slams into the rig. BOOM! It's sealed. It's done. That's what Brett Favre can do for you."

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Thursday, May 6, 2010

BP: Oil spill under control... glug glug glug

BP says it will soon control the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico.

"We are absolutely confident that the oil leak will be plugged and the slick contained. It may reach Dallas, but we are certain to stop it before it hits Oklahoma City. Or was that Kansas City? One of those cities in the middle," says BP's CEO.

Meanwhile, it has been revealed that BP's well at Deepwater Horizon was given a "categorical exclusion" from the National Environmental Policy Act (NEPA), thus BP didn't have to conduct a detailed environmental impact analysis.

This was because the Federal Government (motto: out to lunch, leave contributions in paper bags) and BP (motto: absolutely worthy of your trust (where do we put your paper bag?) did not anticipate such a huge accident in the Gulf.

"Who knew?" said NEPA Head D. W. Feebledieder.

"Yeah," adds BP's CEO. "What are the odds of an oil well leaking a lot of oil into the Gulf?"

This is the latest catastrophe to occur when oil rigs or tankers fell into trouble. Each time, guarantees were given that safeguards would prevent future disasters.

Many politicians, including Australian Minister for Shipping Bob Collins, have rushed to the oil industry's aid, stressing that accidents are rare. The incident off the coast of Victoria, in which the front of the ship fell off, was "not very typical" and happened because "a wave hit it... at sea... chance in a
million", said the Minister in this clip.

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