Tuesday, May 11, 2010

BP Sucks

Having failed repeatedly to cap its leaking, the oil giant is offering $10 million to anyone who can figure out how to plug the well. Suggestions are pouring in.

Caller LeRoy Hubbard from Gotebo, Oklahoma: "Oncet we busted off a far hydrant with Billie Sue's Bronco. Woo-wee, you shoulda seen the gusher. Anyways, afore the law got there, we plugged it up reel good. Tweren't nothin special. We just hog-tied the Mayor's mule and sorta dragged it over the water pipe. Ah thank you could drop a really beeg mule on that there all rig. Where kin ah get mah money?"

Caller Charles Barkley: "This whole thing is just stoopid. All they need to do is give me one of those deep sea diving suits and a dozen basketballs. I'm fat but I can still go to the hole. I'll plug up that sucker in time for supper. Now gimme my money."

Caller George Bush from Crawford Texas:
"Before everyone goes nucular on this, they need to just stop and smell the cupcakes. I'll ring old Dick Cheney and he'll fix it. What's that Laura honey? Oh, Halliburton poured the rig's concrete before it blew up... I'll just hang up now..."

Caller John Madden : "Okay, okay. You've got Brett Favre on this huge barge. You've got Jason Witten going deep, really deep - about 1,500 yards deep, because he's not a one-dimensional tight end. He can run, block and dive. So Favre drops back, the waves are rockin' and rollin' the barge. Favre looks left, he's about to be sacked by Shamu. He steps into the pocket. He hits Witten. Witten puts his head down and slams into the rig. BOOM! It's sealed. It's done. That's what Brett Favre can do for you."

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