WE HAVE MOVED - COME HITHER

We be evolving. And renaming. And boldly going where millions of blogs have gone before.

Henceforth and forever, my new blog is hogsatemysister

Yep, that's Hogs Ate My Sister, one word, no caps.

Why? Because my mother always said, "Haven't had so much fun since the hogs ate my sister."

'Nuff said.

See you at the new site.

And forgive the tech teething problems. After 30 years in PR and journalism, I've used up a lot of brain cells already...

Gaga, Cher, Justin at Meat TV Awards

Let's see. What's in entertainment news?

Lady Gaga contracts hoof and mouth disease at MTV awards. She is featured in a meat dress that showcases her rump roast, and glams it up with armadillo high heels featuring 12-inch stilettos. Slaughterhouse meets road kill fashion. Yum.

Cher, at 64, wears the same Fredericks of Hollywood see-through black body stocking that she made infamous in 1989 when singing "If I Could Turn Back Time." She hugs Gaga's meat and boasts that ex-daughter-Chastity-turned-son Chaz recently had species re-assignment surgery and is fantastically happy as a newt.

Justin "Mini MTV" Bieber was keen to prove he's now a manly teenage stud muffin but entered wearing his Mommy's big ol'lady sunglasses. On stage he stood nearly as tall as Gaga's shoes and literally towered over his dance partners, who were specially recruited from Miss Muffet's preschool. Sadly, his carefully choreographed "Big Hunk Justin" branding campaign stumbled when Rihanna bitch slapped him backstage and he cried.

Jane Fonda, 72, not at MTV but saturating the airwaves nonetheless, is once again all Spandexed up. She's leading the nation's aging Baby Boomers into a new era of fitness, facelifts and flashy mobility scooters. Jane tried to get Gaga and Cher on her exercise video, but health officials worried that the raw meat and preservatives would react, sending the wrong message - Ewww - to health conscious seniors.

And critics say the internet is offensive...

Questions for your 50s: Where are the car keys? Isn't he dead yet?

George Clooney just turned 50. I hate him. He still looks like, well, himself. Me and my old friends, not so much. Except maybe in our minds.

That was recently brought home to a tall, still-studly buddy of mine. He was at a social function when a pretty high school girl offered him her chair so he could sit down. Sad? It was way worse than sad. He initially thought she was flirting with him.

My "senior awakening" was internet related. I heard that there WAS an internet. Kidding. But I really was stunned when I had to click TWICE on drop-down menus to get to 1956, the year I was born and when gravity was invented.

Being mid-50s means my new car will probably outlast me. I will soon qualify for Denny's Senior menu. And when I look in the mirror, I see ... George Clooney... Except he now looks just like my grandpa.

Bugger.

I didn't expect my 50's to be an age of exploration - exploring the room I just left for clues ... what exactly did I just forget to remember. Car keys? Fire extinguisher? No. 1 son?

Being in my mid-50s means my body and brain are changing. I now like Advil way better than M&Ms. Putting milk in my innards is like dropping a Mentos into a Diet Coke. And my memory loss mantra is "Denny Crane, Mad Cow."

But lately, what has annoyed me most is not knowing who is dead and who isn't.

Sure, I know which family members are breathing and which have karked it. Mainly. But when I'm thinking about a major sports star or actor from my youth, I never really know whether they still have a pulse. Usually, if I think they are are dead, they ain't, and vice-versa.

I was at the grocery store and learned that Michael Douglas has throat cancer. That's sad, but way better than being dead, which is what I thought he was. In fact, his DAD is still alive. Kirk is now 93.

Wonder if he says "I am Spartacus. Now where are my chariot keys?" Or just
"Denny Crane. Mad Cow."

Give Me Tornadoes Any Day

An earthquake just whacked Christchurch, which is New Zealand's second largest city, about 500 miles south of me. Thankfully, no casualties to report, but perhaps $2 billion in damage.

It all makes me think about relativity and Mother Nature.

Growing up in Oklahoma, we spent most fall and spring evenings with the television on, listening for the omnipresent boob boop boop tornado warning (e.g. "it could happen folks") and the occasional tornado alert (e.g. "some of ya'll about to get all kinds of blown away").

Since we heard the boop boop boop about eleventy hunnerd times every tornado season, tornado warnings were just part of the weather forecast: humid, fair to partly cloudy, with a high of 92 and a low of 74, with a 90% chance that some mobile home, somewhere in Oklahoma, is gonna get blowed away, but it's not near you so don't worry.

People who don't live with tornadoes seem to think they are like atom bombs, blowing up all over the place. Truth is, most tornadoes are small and stay in the clouds, never even touching down. But when they do touch down, you can be sure it will end up on the news: roll helicopter footage of the "path of destruction", the three twisted mobile homes on their sides, a pickup stuck in flood waters, and a fat woman saying "it sounded lock uh big ol' freight train."

And people outside of Tornado Alley would wonder: why do those stupid Okies live in a place where there are tornadoes? Most of the time, these comments were from smug Californians.

Note: California is the state that will drop into the Pacific Ocean when the Big One hits. Californians have never grasped that while you can outsmart a tornado - "run sideways to it", get in the truck and outrun it, join the poisonous snakes in the cellar - there is nowhere to run when an earthquake hits.

Thankfully, the earthquake that hit Christchurch was not deadly or the Big One, though it was plenty bad. And, thankfully, those of us in Auckland don't have to worry about earthquakes. Or tornadoes. Or killer floods for that matter.

We've got volcanoes.

It's all relative.

Bernanke's New Gazillion-Dollar Stimulus Package: 'Innovative and Possibly Radioactive'

Chairman Ben Bernanke said on Friday that the Federal Reserve will soon deploy an unconventional stimulus package to jump-start the nation's ailing economy.

An innovative Public Private Partnership (PPP) will find the Federal Aviation Administration and major airlines combining their efforts to increase revenue, with each party receiving 50%.

Under the PPP, many British Airways flights now include a message stating the airplane is about to crash into the North Sea. Immediately after airing the message, cabin crew conduct in-flight auctions for life rafts, emergency radios and spear guns. Only frequent flyers are allowed to bid.

"We've found that passengers, who are normally very frugal, bid quite liberally for Premier Class items, like the lift rafts. And if total bids reach a floating reserve, the planes will not actually crash. The first few auctions have been quite successful, bringing in about $17 million per flight, less the cost of dry cleaning the seats," said an airline spokesperson.

Vice President Joe Biden said the Obama Administration also plans to "hit the stimulus accelerator" in profit-sharing arrangements with states, the pharmaceutical and retail sectors.

California and New York have widened their definition of "medical use", allowing motorists to purchase federally grown marijuana from kiosks located on all major toll roads.

"As long as motorists confirm that they have a medical condition - like needing to get stoned - they can purchase the medical marijuana and qualify for two-for-one burritos at participating Taco Bells. Our forecasts show that this effort should bring in $200 bazillion gillion in the first year alone. But these estimates could be slightly fuzzy, because our economists took the toll road, if you catch our drift," said Bernanke.

The National Rifle Association and Hertz have launched a joint venture with the State of Arizona and key Mexican drug cartels. Under the agreement, vehicles and automatic weapons may be picked up in Mexico City and returned in Phoenix (unlimited mileage and bullets; $2 million deductable on all lost cocaine shipments).

The US Defense Department and elGordo are launching the world's largest lottery. In the "Big Bang Iran" game, bettors choose when Iran will activate its nuclear reactor or be turned into a glowing parking lot by Israel. In a unique twist, the public can purchase "DoD Stimulus Dollars" to encourage their preferred outcome.

Vice President Biden said he expects huge interest in 'Big Bang Iran', especially from the U.S. Jewish community and global Jihadists organizations.

"In Big Bang Iran and within the entire new stimulus package, the Obama Administration will not be playing favorites or picking winners. Our only goal is to build on successes achieved by the gazillion-jillion dollar stimulus package launched last year, which has already seen the creation of at least 1.7 million jobs, including at least three outside of the federal government."

Try to relax - ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:

Monkeys.

The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline - 'Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?' and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.

Gators

The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don't have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the street. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed... who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran's Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We'll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.

Warning: What's Under the White House Tarp?

A tarp is covering the West Wing of the White House, prompting widespread speculation that it is hiding:

1) a mosque

2) the deficit

3) Michelle's shoes

4) Treasury notes

5) one Obamacare Bill

6) Lady Gaga's girly bits

7) WikiLeaks emails

8) missing BP oil

9) "Hillary in 2012" signs

10) dry rot

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Shocking Gallup Poll Leads Rupert Murdock to Lady Gaga's Thighs

A shocking Gallup poll shows that only 25% of Americans have a "great deal" or "quite a lot" of confidence in newspaper or television news, a 50% drop since 1995.

Young Americans are now getting most of their "trusted" news from Facebook and celebrity tattoos.

Young people - defined as the "21's", eg younger than 21, having at least 21 sexual partners and STDs, or owning at least 21 cell phones - have the lowest trust and attention span.

Newspaper readership among the 21's has reached rock bottom. In fact, only 3% of 21's have "read or come in contact with" a printed newspaper in the previous 12 months.

"I picked up a free newspaper once to wipe a Coke Zero spill off my iPad, and I got ink on my fingers. Ink! It was like, ewww, my iPad!" said one of those surveyed.

Rupert Murdoch, the 900-year-old owner of most of the world's bankrupt newspapers, dismissed the Gallup research as "bobby socks and poppycock".

"Our research shows that most young people, 900 percent I think, trust me and my newspapers, and they absolutely plan to *buy my newspapers."

* at least once before they die, possibly wrapping takeaway fish and chips

To increase trust and readership in the 21's demographic, Murdoch is negotiating with Lady Gaga over rights to her thighs.

"The negotiations include all areas in close proximity to her girly bits, which are exposed to billions of young people every day through actual physical contact and, to a lesser extent, the global media.

"There are some formatting issues, and we'll have to limit stories to 3-5 words, but we're confident the 'Gaga medium' will tap into the lucrative 21's demographic," said a Murdoch spokesman, adding that the 21's account for 99% of Apple sales, despite none of them having an actual job.

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Lady Gaga 7-day Scandal Forecast - Doing Everything Slutty Everywhere

Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.

"I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers."

Gaga's 7-day media forecast includes:

- birthing Motorola's new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).

- leading a "save the penguins" global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga's request.

- headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton's wedding.

- visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.

- being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.

- shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics ("I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation's economy around - that and miles of latex and my uber virginity").

- chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.

- saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new "Pash me in Paki" CD.

- hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.

- single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.

- bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.

"I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina."

Click on 'comments' below and add your two cents!

Killer Horror Solar Tsunami, Planned Iran War, Oklahoma Dirt Dooms Us All

If you can read this, it probably means you are not dead. Yet.

And that's surprising considering:

- the impending killer horror solar tsunami
- the impending killer horror nuclear war with Iran (or was it Iraq?)
- the impending killer horror EPA attack on Oklahoma's dirt.

Fox News wasn't clear at press time whether the killer horror solar tsunami was "something personal" between the sun and the Earth. But Fox quotes Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics as saying, "This eruption is directed right at us and is expected to get here early in the day on Aug. 4".

The Sun's surface erupted early Sunday morning, "shooting a wall of ionized atoms directly at Earth". It was expected to create a geomagnetic storm and a spectacular light show - and it could pose a threat to satellites in orbit.

Or, according to Fox News, it could possibly be the end of all life as we know it.

Meanwhile, Pentagon officials, bogged down with two unwinable wars in the Middle East, are planning a third war in the Middle East. This one against Iran, or Iraq. Possibly both. We get confused.

No, it's definitely against IRAN. The one against IRAQ was because it was run by a lunatic suspected of having weapons of mass destruction, who killed his own people on a whim. IRAN, on the other hand, is run by many lunatics who will soon have nuclear bombs to use in jihad against the infidel West. And possibly to crack down on illegal parking in downtown Tehran.

Because Pentagon officials are not allowed to comment on pending nuclear wars, except to Rolling Stone, the Washington Times quotes a retired Air Force Lt. Gen., as saying the Pentagon's top secret war plan against Iraq (check that, no, it's definitely Iran), will rely heavily on:

- B-2 stealth bombers
- Cruise missiles
- a "velvet revolution" so "the Iranian people can take back their country."

However, speaking on Meet the Press, Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, would only confirm that America has a "plan" for attacking Iraq. Or Iran. Possibly both. "It is an important option, and it's one that's well understood. Mainly."

(Ed note: confirming whether it's also well understood who is about to be nuked: Iraq, Iran or possibly Oklahoma.)

A pending assault on Oklahoma, or more correctly, its dirt, will be lead by the EPA, who may or may not use stealth bombers, cruise missiles and killer horror solar tsunamis.

What's clear is that the Obama Administration is taking an aggressive, "can do", posture against Oklahoma and its dirt - technically "farm dust".

According to a July 23 saber-rattling letter to Oklahoma's farm dust (check that, the letter is TO the Environmental Protection Agency, FROM Oklahoma senators or possibly the farm dust's PR spokesperson): "If approved, this would establish the most stringent and unparalleled regulation of dust in our nation's history."

Obama Administration observers believe that after EPA's first strike against Oklahoma's farm dust, a "velvet underground" of Sooner fans would take back their country. Or possibly Iran.

In any case, we are doomed.

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Top 10 Picks for New American Idol Judge

Ellen has danced off the Idol stage, and JLo's booty has entered. But who's to replace Simon Cowell? Hollywood bookies say the top 10 contenders are:

1) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. As imminently likable as Cowell, and certain to boost voting when he calls Muslim tweenies to text jihad.

2) Geraldo Rivera. His ego dwarfs Cowell's although that, like quantuum physics, is impossible to grasp.

3) Tiger Woods. It's not like his golf game is on fire. And he has a thing for JLo booty types.

4) Al Gore. Making Idol "sustainable" is a major challenge. Mr "An Inconvenient Truth" has the greenest credentials and he reportedly has quite a following amongst the massage community.

5) Ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Many Cowell-like qualities. Impressive Hair? Check. Jerk factor? At least a 10. But large question mark over Blago's availability, pending sentencing.

6) Dog the Bounty Hunter. He, and his missus, yowza, are the only contenders with bigger pecs than Cowell.

7) Steve Jobs. A very strategic dark horse (dressed in black...dark horse...get it? har). He makes a slight tweak to iPad and iPhone software and, voila, 100 billion iDol votes are cast each week and squillions more iSongs are downloaded.

8) Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but he's never been bigger. And even in his present condition (technically: dead), he'll be as helpful as Randy Jackson. Know what I'm saying, dawg?

9) Simon Cowell Jr. There is a strong rumor that Simon had a love child with himself.

10) Chelsea Clinton. A long shot, but consider: her Father has a long history with teenage girls, Idol's core demographic. Ewwww.

And your personal nominees are..............


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I'm Fabulously Rich! A Prominent Law Partner from Portugal Says So!

Finally, my ship has come in! I've struck gold! The rich relative died and I am IN THE WILL!

Well, actually, there isn't a Will, but that's why we're rich. Wahoo!

It took long enough. Everyone I know has already received millions from Publishers Clearing House or squillions from Nigerian bankers. I've seen their letters. But for me? Not a sausage. Until now!

I just received an official letter - posted, not emailed, it's so official - from Dan Ricardo, Ricardo & Associates, "Litigation & Corporate LLM", who is an expert in corporate and legal claims.

Dan Ricardo's client, miraculously, in total serendipity, deposited $32 million USD "at the vault of a financial institution here in Portugal." Alas, he or she left no Will at the time of his or her death (Interstate) in March 2007.

In a brilliant stroke of luck for me, and I quote exactly from Dan's official letter, "because of the international financial crises, allot of reform has been made within the Portuguese Financial system, this includes the new law on succession/claims which indicates a duration in which such inheritance could be tolerated."

Dan Ricardo, who is "legally equipped with all necessary information/documentations concerning this fund," is prepared to give me 40% of the $32 million USD), keep 40% for himself (fair is fair), and give 20% to a charity in Portugal. Or "your country"!

What a genuine, generous guy, is our Dan, Prominent Law Partner!

I know you are suspicious, thinking this is a Nigerian type scam. You are so cynical and so wrong. I'll give you four reasons.

First, Dan Ricardo is from Portugal (which was ranked 8th by FIFA and Coca-Cola following the World Cup), not from a corrupt backwater country like Nigeria (which was rated a lousy 30th by FIFA).

Second, those Nigerian scamsters always ask you to give THEM money before they give YOU money. Dan Ricardo, who I will remind you is a Prominent Law Partner with Ricardo & Associates (whose logo is the Scales of Justice), has not asked me for a bean.

Third, Dan Ricardo is willing to give $6.4 million USD of our shared fortune to charity, and he is not required to do that by Portugal's "allot of reform". He is just a humanitarian. (Muy bueno, Dan!)

Fourth, it is Dan Ricardo's "concern to demand (my) ultimate honesty, co-operation and confidentiality." And he means this, deeply, from the bottom of his heart. I can just tell.

As you would expect, Dan Ricardo, a Partner in a MAJOR Portuguese law firm (remember the Scales of Justice logo), is a busy man. He is presently in their Barcelona office. Immediately after I contact him by fax or email, he will advise "how this could be concluded". And, don't worry, he GUARANTEES that this process will be "executed under a legitimate arrangement that would legally protect (me) from any breach of law."

But wait, there's more!

Not only did Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner, send me ONE of these $32 million USD letters. He sent me TWO!

Even though neither has my name spelled exactly right -- in fact, the second one is addressed to someone in another city with another name -- Dan Ricardo has guaranteed this "legitimate arrangement". He has provided his contact numbers (Private Number +3519111 7238), office (+3493545317-Ext5), fax (+34 933 807 49 OR +34954 322 22) and his email addresses (ricdan585@yahoo.com or danric585@gmail.com.

How legit is that?

I know that my friends will all be toasting my incredible good fortune! I ask each of you to suggest which charities in Portugal or New Zealand should receive the $12.8 million USD (from two letters, remember).

And I would be willing to bet that Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner that he is, would allow us to donate to charities in other countries as well. He probably would even be happy to talk to you, and keep your contact details on file, just in case one of your relatives should be his client, die (Interstate), and have no Will.

He's that kind of guy.

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Lindsay Lohan: 10 reasons why I love being in jail!

1) I look so effing hot in orange! Boilermaker suits rock!

2) Being with all these jail girls makes Sam sooo jealous! Bitch!

3) I own Twitter! Miley who? Paris WHO?

4) No ankle bracelet!

5) Reality TV here I come! My show? How about 'Get out of jail free'!

6) Lockdown! I love to cause them! Lockdown! Lockdown! Lockdown! I rock!

7) Stick, the 'girl next door', is giving me a jail tattoo! With prison ink! Wicked!

8) No makeup. No knickers. No paparazzi. No life :-{

9) I hope they'll let my sweet, caring, wonderful Daddy come for a sleep-over! For like 20 years!

10) Only five more sleeps until I get out! Better than Christmas! Wicked!


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Shocking photo of Oksana Testifying Against Mel

Photo: Oksana, without makeup, gives secret testimony


This exclusive surveillance photo, at left, was secretly snapped earlier today in court when Oksana Grigorieva provided shocking testimony against former lover, Mel Gibson.

Her explosively, and pungent, evidence had previously been leaked - in high definition video and surround sound - to CNN, Fox News, ABC, NBC, CBS, Al Jazeera, Oprah Winfrey and Perez Hilton. (Note: the leaked evidence had earlier been rejected by scandal monger Geraldo Rivera, who said: "This is so low, so disgusting that even I cannot go there, and that's saying something.")

However, Oksana's legal spokeswoman told TMZ, "Mr. Gibson persists in attempting to 'litigate' this matter in the media, and continues to launch false accusations against the mother of his child.

"Unlike Mr. Gibson, Ms. Grigorieva has not, and will not engage in this type of undignified banter in the press," she added, as the pong of her client's yellowish testimony drifted over the media conference.


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Anagram Insights for Oksana and Mel - Key words - Oink, Goo, Vagina, Lemons

Craving more goss about Oksana Grigorieva? Don't bother reading gossip rags or court documents. Just run her name through this internet anagram website.

It yields 36 pages of Anagram Personality Insights, which we categorize and shortlist here solely as a public service:

Vagina

- A Vagina Riser Gook
- Vaginas Rag Rookie
- Vagina Raiser Gook
- Vagina Okra Orgies

Plus Goo

- Vagina Arks Gooier
- Vaginae Ark Goo Sir
- Area Ska Virgin Goo
- A Varies Raking Goo

Pig Qualities, Ovaries and Orgies

- A Garage Oink Visor
- A Savage Rigor Oink
- A Ravages Rooking I
- Ovarian Agog Skier
- A Raving Oak Orgies
- Ravagers Ago I Oink

Misc insights

- Savager Oak Groin I
- A Ravages Rooking I
- A Kangaroo Give Sir

And to understand Mel Gibson's attraction to the 'lovely' Oksana, we only need to run his name through the same anagram analyzer, which offers us:

- Big Lemons
- Bong Slime
- Be Long Mis
- Glob Em Ins

That about says it all, eh?

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BP Caps Well, But New Spews and Dog Poos Cause Blues

BP has successfully capped their leaking Gulf well, but spewing continues at a frightening rate on a range of other fronts.

More than 100 dogs, mainly Chihuahuas, were found in a Philadelphia home. Eyewitnesses said the floors were covered in nearly two feet of animal feces.
An investigation into the home began a year ago when neighbors complained of an overwhelming stench. City officials have condemned the home and deemed it uninhabitable.

In an unrelated dog-spewing incident, Rhode Island animal-control officers recently investigated a possible "pet hording" on Phebe Street. When a second story door was opened, the officers witnessed "a waterfall of dachshunds and Chihuahuas spilling down the stairs." About 50 dogs, all but three of them of small breeds, were living in the single-family house. The depth of dog poop on Phebe Street was not released.

Meanwhile, pollsters say American voters are suffering from "Obama-spew". The President trails Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, and is even tied with Sarah Palin. (It was not clear whether the President also trailed dachshunds and Chihuahuas.)

Palin-2-spew was being recorded in both Alaska and Hollywood, as First Mama Grizzly cub Bristol Palin announced her re-engagement to Levi Johnston. His claims to fame include impregnating teen-age Bristol and, after their ugly public split, posing for Playgirl magazine. As if this spew was not enough, rumors are circulating of a soon-to-be-announced reality TV show starring single teen mom Bristol and her Johnston.

Although vile, Palin-2-spew was not at press time considered a national emergency.

More worrying for the Obama Administration is a far more damaging "O-class" emergency - Oksana spew - which has choked the nation's airways and sewers with vile Melfluent for weeks, with no end to the spewage in sight.

Administration and BP officials are considering whether a second and third cap - similar to the 75-ton cap used successfully in the Gulf - could be placed over the mouths of Oksana and Mel Gibson. But most experts think their spew will renew, worse than the dog-poo-spew, Obama-spew and Palin-2-spew.

Ewwww.

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Oksana Leads Slimeball of the Year Race

We may have a photo-finish for Slimeball of the Year 2010, and what an amazing group of professional and amateur slimeballs have made it to the finals led by:

1) Oksana Grigorieva, 39, who has bedded, babied, and bushwhacked AlcoMel Gibson, all part of a strategical Soviet plan to send melmillions her way.

2) Aimee Sword, 36, Michigan mother of five-plus, who gave up her son at birth, tracked him down on Facebook when he was 14, and then repeatedly had sex with him.

3)Al Gore, seriously, is alleged to have "tried to stick his tongue down my throat" at a New Year's party, according to a female journalist. French kissing is not in itself slimeball. When attached to "Fat Algore, it is way slimy. Ew.

4) Tiger Woods, who cheated on his gorgeous wife and children with bimbos who all looked like this.

5)Jesse James, who would be even slimier than Tiger but, really, what do you expect from a man whose genes flow from this man.

6-10)Miley Cyrus dominates with five places in Slimeball of the Year's top 10, thanks to her strategic and relentless slimyness, including her lovely upskirt photo from the slimy Perez Hilton.

The "winner" of the 2010 Slimeball of the Year will be announced after your comments are tallied... Previous votes cast for Tiger and Jesse cannot be counted.


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Wrinkles Offer No Protection Against Crime or STDs. Ewwww.

We are pleased to report that the world's oldest woman (no, not Joan Rivers) has just turned 130 in the Soviet Republic of Georgia.

But we feel obligated to warn Antisa Khvichava that her health and longevity could be at risk because many of her fellow senior citizens are simply behaving badly.

Take John "Sonny" Franzese for example.

Sonny, 93, was convicted last week in New York of racketeering and conspiracy. Never mind that he was nicknamed "Nod Father" by the Daily News because he kept falling asleep during his trial. The court heard that he shook down strip clubs and pizzerias, was once a friend of Frank "Currently Dead But Still the Greatest" Sinatra and had a stake in the classic porn film "Death Throat".

We don't know whether Sonny also likes to shake down the ladies. But cases of STDs are exploding amongst the senior set, thanks to the tidal wave of Viagra drugs and an epidemic of unprotected, and very wrinkled, senior sex.

Ewwww.

A disturbing Reuters news report - which actually uses "annals", "swelling" and "up" in a story about senior citizens and STDs - warns that the number of new cases of STDs per 10,000 men over age 40 was up almost 50% since 1996.

Dr. Anupam B. Jena of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, who led this study, says that older men on erectile dysfunction drugs are twice as likely to contract an STD as older men who didn't take them (the "limp noodle" control group).

We can have great confidence in Dr Jena's expertise in this area because the letters in her name can be re-arranged to spell "Aha Jab Men Up" and "Pajama Bun Eh".

Clearly, the number of sexy seniors likely to rise (HAR) to 130 years old will drop off (HAR) if this wanton sexual behavior continues.

Are you listening Larry King? Ewwww.

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Iran Robot Just like Sony's, if You Don't Count the Nukes

Iran has developed a human-like robot for "sensitive jobs," according to a government newspaper.

Soorena-2, named after an ancient Persian warrior, was unveiled by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is slightly taller than the "4.7 feet" robot.

"Walking slowly like human beings with regular arm and leg movements are among its characteristics," the report said. "Such robots are designed and developed to be used in sensitive and difficult jobs on behalf of a person or as help."

The report did not elaborate on the robot's additional "capabilities".

Iran has pursued a number of scientific projects but has come under increasing international pressure over its controversial nuclear programme.

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Two-Billion-Headed Calf Flies Standing Up With Paris Hilton's Body on Ice

Speed-reading isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

The actual highlights from New Zealand's Sunday newspapers are:

- New Zealander who kept dead girlfriend on L.A. ice now living with parents

- Facebook introducing face-recognition software

- Ryannair to introduce vertical, five-pound seats

- Piggery fined $45,000 for causing burning eyes and headaches

- Two-headed calf born in Northern Egypt

- Obama introduces $2b for solar

- Paris marijuana charges dropped

But the speed-reading mashups sent to my brain were:

- Facebook solar software keeps dead readers on ice

- Two-headed Obama calf flies on marijuana

- Ryannair charges five pounds for going vertical with pungent pig Paris Hilton

Which makes sense considering the story about lost methadone in Lower Hutt...


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Exfoliating Scrotum Flea Seeds

I couldn't resist trying it again, even though I harshly criticized my wife's expensive kiwifruit exfoliating body wash.

It comes in a pump bottle showcasing its "Health Basics" brand, natural green color and 900 billion floating black kiwifruit seed looking things, which I assume are the natural exfoliators.

In the weeks since I shunned this lovely wife-purchased product, my son and I have gone back to a plain old bar of soap, which cost about 50 cents. In three weeks, we have hardly put a dent in the soap, except on one corner, and that's because I dropped it. In the same time period, my wife, who has had exclusive use of the exfoliating body wash, has used about an inch, or $9's, worth.

Sure, my wife looks gorgeous and her skin is as smooth as a newborn baby's. But that's because she has great genes and she uses $9,000 worth of other beauty products every day. I do NOT for a minute attribute this to the kiwifruit exfoliation product.

In my previous blog post, I suggested that the 900 billion floating black kiwifruit seed things were possibly not seeds at all, but recycled dead fleas. I do not have an electron microscope to confirm this hypothesis, but look at the logic.

Until recently, we had three dogs. To quote Churchill (if he'd had a flea infestation), "We fought them on the beaches. We fought them on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets, in the bedrooms and in the den. We shall never surrender!" This Churchillian spirit, $100 worth of nuclear chemicals, and significant hand to hand combat eventually beat back the fleas last year. We killed billions. And they looked JUST LIKE these exfoliation things. And we're just one family. What happened to the other zillions of dead fleas?

So anyway, today I am again soaking in a boiling hot bathtub. I am trying to regain limited motion in my neck and back, which froze up after a tree-pruning incident. And with my neck stuck at this particular angle, I find myself staring right at the exfoliating body wash.

It looks so pleasant, so environmentally friendly, so au naturel. It beckons me. So I try a tiny bit on my shin, just to see what the dead fleas will do to human flesh. Truthfully, it isn't much worse than sand from the beach. But that's on my shin.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why any man would risk using this stuff, excuse me for being graphic, down there in the Johnson region. These dead flea things are tiny, and there are billions of them. Water seeps into any, uhm, shall we say cavity. So you just know these seeds would, too. And then what?

Sure, if you knew the flea/seeds would go in and then come out again at Gatling gun like force, every guy on the planet would want this stuff. We'd sell our playoff tickets to get it. Beer up and then go blast your name on the wall, or strafe the snow or a slow-moving pet. Now THAT would be value for money.

But I read the small print on the bottle, and there is NO guarantee that once the flea/seed things go in, they will come out again. Gently. REALLY GENTLY. Without inflicting any flea bites. Or, if the exfoliators really are kiwi seeds, without taking root and eventually growing actual kiwifruit vines in the Johnson area.

Even if you've served in combat, just thinking about the potential collateral damage makes your eyes tear up.

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10 evil wishes for the internet repairman

Not that I am unhappy with the internet man... Oh no. I've enjoyed being handcuffed at home for 1 1/2 days, waiting... for him... to fix my internet connection... actually refix it... because he 'fixed it' last night... or not so much.

So I hereby offer 10 heartfelt wishes for my internet company.

1) I wish they would get life in the electric chair.

2) I wish they would be told the technician will turn off their electric chair sometime before 7pm, so they shouldn't go anywhere.

3) I wish their management ongoing success as they continue to also manage the French World Cup soccer team.

4) I wish that their virginal 14-year-old daughters go on the road with best friend Miley Cyrus...

5) I wish that they personally lose the next iPhone prototype and get to experience Steve Jobs eating their liver.

6) I wish them to be force-fed nuclear hot Indian currie and gallons of peppermint Schnaps and Milk of Magnesia.

7) I wish that Jack Bauer believes they killed his girlfriend. DAMMIT.

8) I wish that BP be responsible for their swimming pool.

9) I wish that at every future dinner party, they sit with VP Joe Biden, Ozzy Osbourne and the people who make infomercials.

10)And I wish that readers would leave their personal wishes for their internet provider in comments below...



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10 reasons why World Cup "Football" will NEVER make it big in America

1) Soccer has finally "come out" and confirmed it is a gay sport.



2) Americans don't give up. France became the first team in World Cup history to surrender.

3) Americans like collision sports (football) and even contact sports (basketball) but not "beautiful" sports.

4) Miley Cyrus would be a soccer WAG, if she had at least one pair of knickers.

5) "Major" world countries like "Cameroon" are among the best in the soccer world. (Note: at least one World Cup team, Paraguay, would be attractive to red blooded Americans.)

6) No soccer player looks like he will eat your children.

7) Americans believe in celebrating a SCORE but within reason.

8) The Rugby World Cup is held every four years in some stupid, foreign country.

9) How can you scream at the ump if 100,000 vuvuzelas are going BWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?

10) This is soccer fan food. THIS is the American football, basketball, baseball and hockey fan food.


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Cons Clip Fed Funds

As a hard-working American, you will be pleased that your elected officials have not been so over-burdened with two wars, the BP oil spill and normal everyday sex scandals that they have been unable to do what you sent them to Washington to do.

No, they have been fully focused on solving the housing crisis for YOU the taxpayer ... and for 1,300 prison inmates.

While it could be said that as prisoners, these 1,300 men already have a home, your elected officials wanted better for them.

The inmates, including 241 who are serving life sentences, claimed they had purchased homes and received more than $9.1 million in tax credits.

The Obama Administration reacted quickly to this "hiccup in an otherwise stupendously successful federal program," directing the IRS to "tidy things up".

"The IRS will follow up on every instance of improper prisoner payment and take swift and appropriate enforcement actions. In many cases, this will find the inmates being housed in 5-star hotels while they are tried for crimes that could put them in prison... where they are now... never mind..."

While this first-time home buyer program has well served these inmates, and another of the nation's underprivileged classes, realtors, it, sadly, was not able to address a housing tragedy in Orlando.

A $75 million mansion is having to be sold "as is", after timeshare tycoon David Siegel halted construction of "Versailles" due to the recession.

Versailles may be the largest home in the U.S. at 90,000 square feet, with 13 bedrooms, 23 bathrooms, a 20-car garage, a baseball field and two-story movie theatre, but it does NOT have carpet, tiles or interior walls. The new owners will have to finish the home, which is just down the street from Tiger Woods' Orlando mansion.

The Obama Administration and California state housing officials are working to prevent yet another housing crisis.

Meanwhile, reports are circulating amongst Pasadena realtors that a group of wealthy real estate investors - "N. Jail Inc." - have made a $9.1 million down payment on Versailles and are in discussions with Bernie Madoff to finance the remainder.


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BP CEO - 10 POINT PR MEMO TO SELF

Our PR people advise:

1) Not to say "small people" when referring to poor uneducated Americans. (Note: In America, "small people" are dwarfs and midgets. Quite amusing...)

2) Not to be seen having fun or being at all happy. Most especially this means not to have fun at yacht races. Don't ask me why. It's a PR thing. (Note: ask my shipbuilder if oil spill could harm "Bob's" new racing hull.)

3) Make sure flowers and minibar are refreshed in Rahm Emanuel's Washington D.C. apartment - the one he stayed in rent free for five years, nod nod wink wink. (Note: Do NOT mention this arrangement or even admit knowing about it. "Knowing about what?" Ha!)

4) Send follow-up card to that Obama chap. Good bean, really. Forgive and forget the rough and tumble in the media. Politician must be politicians. Do invite him aboard "Bob" for next year's yachting challenge. (Note: No jokes about Bob having a "double hull" to prevent oil spills! Must find a place to use that quip.)

5) Send bubbles and hand-written thank-you card to our new PM, the chap who replaced Gordon Brown. Campbell? Candle? Cameron. That's it. Darwin Cameron. High hopes for that young lad. (Note: Get him on the yacht, too. Double hull joke perfect for him, what!)

6) Have someone review paperwork. Find out whether we still actually own BP, and if so, why it's not called 'British' Petroleum any more. A legal thing no doubt.

7) "Get my life back". See point 2 above. Must not allow media to show me having any life whatsoever other than stopping the bloody oil leak. Balls! I did so want to attend Oprah's bash for Fergie. That tart does get her knickers in a knot, what!

8) Next time, before testifying in Washington, must find out basics about drilling oil wells in ocean. Rotters seem to expect that! As if you'd ask Gordon Brown how the British Government runs. No, not Brown, he's gone. That new chap, James Cameron. (Note: confirm we are still "British" Government. BG?)

9) Get PR working on a proper celebration for capping the bloody well. Surely there is something we are 'allowed' to do in public. Maybe hose down a bloody pelican with champagne. Wouldn't that be a photo! (Note: ask operations what WOULD happen if we hosed down a pelican with champers. Be a good skit at the next Board meeting!)

10) Ensure there is an accounting of ALL THIS OVERTIME! (Not counting the yacht race). Ensure this year's performance bonus is deposited well offshore. Spread thin and wide. A bit like the oil, what!



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Nancy Pelosi Lesbian Kiss On Oprah

PR Strategist: Madam Speaker, we need to look at your popularity ratings. They've never been good, but they are officially in the toilet.

Nancy Pelosi: How bad?

PR: Well, with an aggressive PR campaign, we might get you above BP and Kim Jong-il, but you'd still trail Hitler and George Bush.

Pelosi: Behind Dubya??? What can we do?

PR: How do you feel about kissing? In public?

Pelosi: You want me to lay one on my husband? Like Al Gore did on Tipper? That wasn't what I'd call a freeking success.

PR: We weren't thinking about your husband.

Pelosi: Who then? Surely you don't want me to kiss the President?

PR: Oh no, no, no.

Pelosi: Good, because that would really be pandering.

PR: We were thinking Michelle.

Pelosi: The First Lady! Are you crazy?

PR: Think Miley Cyrus. Sandra Bullock. Scarlett Johansson. Britney Spears.

Pelosi: What have those sluts got to do with me and the First Lady?

PR: They did 'girl kisses' and the scandals got enormous media coverage. We think you'd get a huge ratings bump in Blue States. And think about the Red States. The Teabaggers would go crazy.

Pelosi: They'd spew, wouldn't they? OK, it's worth discussing. But why snog the First Lady? Why not some other powerful woman.

PR: Like who?

Pelosi: Elena Kagan? After she gets confirmed.

PR: Too old.

Pelosi: The German Chancellor. What's her name?

PR: Angela Merkel. Too ugly.

Pelosi: (cringing) . Thank heavens. What about Cher or Hillary or, hey, what about Sarah Palin? I could slip her a little tongue after one of her soccer Mom speeches. The Red States would secede!

PR: All good ideas, Madam Speaker. But our polling is clear. You have to girl kiss the First Lady to improve your popularity, and way before the mid-term elections.

Pelosi: She and the President are OK with this?

PR: They are Democrats. They'll do whatever helps the party. And keeps Hillary on a leash.

Pelosi: Of course. So, where do we kiss?

PR: On the lips. This is for prime time news.

Pelosi: No, what's the VENUE?

PR: Oprah.

Pelosi: I've read Kitty Kelley's book. What if Oprah gets all excited?

PR: No, that would be too much ... even for the Blue States.

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Obama, Oprah and Mandela on the Line

President: Get me 'O' on the phone.

White House Operator: Obama?

President: I'M Obama. Get me the other 'O' - Oprah.

White House Operator: Oh.

RING RING RING

O: Hello Barack, you been kicking anyone's ass this morning?

President: Very funny. You should be on television. Look, I need to get media off the BP thing. Any ideas?

O: Invite Princess Fergie to the White House. Get her all likkered up. Give her a briefcase full of cash. That ought to do it.

President: This is not very productive.

O: Rush Limbaugh would say that about your first year in office. What about soccer? Go to South Africa and meet with Mandela.

President: I like that. We can do live remotes to your show, right?

O: Sure. Just get Mandela. Or Justin Bieber. Or Fergie.

President. I can get Mandela. Not sure about Bieber. Can't afford Fergie.

O: Ha. You should be on television. Chow.

CLICK

President: Get me M.

White House Operator: Michelle?

President: Mandela.

White House Operator: Putting you through now.

Mandela: Hello Oprah dear. How are you doing?

President: It's Barack.

Mandela: silence

President: The other 'O'... President Obama.

Mandela: Of course. Barack, my boy, how are you?

President: In need of some good PR. Can we meet at the World Cup?

Mandela: No, I'm too busy meeting with Justin Bieber and Fergie.

President: silence

Mandela: Got ya! 'O' texted me before you called. She sends her love. Ha.

President: You should be on television.

Mandela: You, too. And judging by your approval ratings, you'll have your own show in 2012...


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Black Man or iMan in Black? Jobs Beats Obama

Barack Obama is a tall, thin, black man who controls our nukes. Steve Jobs is a tall, thin man in black who controls our iToys.

Obama is thin because the job is eating his liver. Jobs is thin because he kicked the hell out of pancreatic cancer and then got a new liver as well.

Why does the skinny, black man with the nukes wield less power than the skinny man in black with the iToys? Let's review a few case studies.

Issue: BP destroys the Gulf's economy.

Action: President Obama teleprompts hither and thither, eventually touches a wad of black goo on the beach and looks slightly miffed, then goes all Dirty Harry (lite) about "whose ass to kick."


Issue: An Apple staff member says the iPad or iPhone or iAnything will ship 10 seconds late.

Action: Steve Jobs eats his liver, burns his home, and sells his wife and children into slavery. Oddly, all iToys are shipped on time.


Issue: Those pesky Iranians keep developing their own nukes, thumbing their noses at the UN and the U.S.

Action: The UN has a really looooong meeting. President Obama gives a loooong speech and then goes to a concert, staying "involved and in charge" via his Blackberry. (Meanwhile, Israel is scrambling nuke-laden fighters toward Iran in 5, 4, 3...)


Issue: At least 114,000 i-Pad owners, including White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, have their information compromised, thanks to AT&T.

Obama action: He texts Rahm: "At least my Blackberry is secure. LOL."

Jobs action: AT&T becomes known as "A", as Steve Jobs rips its T&T to shreds with his teeth. Unsatisfied, he i-diverts Israeli jets to headquarters of the former AT&T, which now looks like downtown Baghdad, but with more holes and sand.


Summary

Being black, or wearing black, is not the deal. Being i-smarter, i-ballsier and eating the occasional liver is what power is all about.

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Oprah and Fergie's Phone Tap Scandal

(May 2010)

Oprah: Sarah dear, what on earth were you thinking?

Fergie: Stand in line, Oprah. Go ahead and beat me up. I've been bagged by every journalist in the UK.

Oprah: And shagged by every sailor in Wales!

Fergie: Well, it takes a tart to know a tart... So what am I going to do now? My attorneys say I have to give back all the cash. That bloody bank transfer isn't going to happen. I have to move out of Andrew's house. And the only asset I have left is the ranch in Argen-freeking-tina. My sponsors have abandoned me as if I were a scandal slut like Tiger Woods.

Oprah: Not to worry, Sarah honey. Here's what we're going to do. You'll come on my show all fat and depressed. Really gorge and let your skin go. We'll start with your mea culpa and tears. Grab them by the throat at the top of the show. So wear lots of mascara, Sarah.

Fergie: Lots of mascara, right.

Oprah: After the first break, will replay your and Andrew’s Royal marriage and then show heaps of footage of you and Princess Diana. We'll really play on the public's love for Di, the skinny cow. I did NOT say that. After the second break we'll talk about your dire finances, how your daughters are such good girls and they're suffering so much. Boo hoo, more tears. More runny mascara. Think Tammy Faye Baker.

Fergie: After all those tears, I’ll be dehydrated. Can we drink champers during the show? That would be a big help.

Oprah: Nope, the FCC would have a cow. Besides, you need to be distraught, all pitiful and hugg-able, not a drunken sow. We'll get sloshed after the show, don't you worry about that.

Fergie: Oh, very well. But what about money? How much will this net me? We're friends, Oprah, but this is business, and I’m really in the schtuck.

Oprah: Plenty. My people will work out the details. Let's just worry about you being pathetic - tears and mascara and blotchy skin. My viewers will forgive anything if you are fat and have blotchy skin!

Fergie: In honesty, O, I still don't see the big deal about selling an introduction to Andrew. I've been doing it for 20 years. I didn’t do anything vulgar, like outing Andrew as a poof. I'd never do that… Should I do that on your show? Out him? Would that rate? How much would that be worth?

Oprah: Let me think about that. We'd gain big in the 18-49 demographic. We'd pull a 5.9 or 6 and sucker punch Judge Judy! Cow. But the Queen would have our guts for garters. No, let’s not ‘out’ Andrew. But maybe in a few weeks he could come on my show and out himself. No THAT would rate! Sarah, how much would you need to arrange that with old Randy Andy?

Fergie: At least $50,000 in cash, and then a wire transfer of half a million, I mean a million. That's sort of my going rate. And, O, you've got to promise that you won't do any secret filming about the money, OK?

Oprah: Sarah dear, of course we'd never do that. So, I'll see you next week. Eat a lot of chocolate and really blob out, sweetheart. You need to be Princess Pathetic. See you then. Mwah.

Oprah hangs up and calls in her assistant.

Oprah: Make sure the surveillance cameras in the green room are HDTV. No wait! Install the new 3-D gear. Just imagine Fergie and her briefcase full of cash in 3-D. Now that would blow Judge Judy right off her bench. Cow.

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Top 10 Cures for Insomnia

1) Lie in bed and count Larry King's ex-wives as they leap over his industrial strength hair.

2) Turn on the Glenn Beck program. On second thought, tune in this guy. Same programming.

3) Men, try to think of a single female politician that you'd like to have insomnia with, if you catch our drift, other than Sarah Palin. Women, try to think of a single male politician who would NOT have insomnia with you given half the chance.

4) Tivo the last episode of 'Lost' and try to 'get it'. Your mind will race like a Cray supercomputer, begin to smoke, and then gently switch off.

5) Lie perfectly still. Balance an Oreo cookie on your nose.

6) Mix Tobasco and Tiger Balm. Put a big dollop directly into your eyeballs and onto your private parts. After the paramedics get you out of the tree, they will give you lovely meds to help you sleep.

7) In your mind, create claymations of Oprah, going back and forth from "little pixie Oprah" to "Moby Oprah", and then back again. And again.

8) Place a baseball bat between you and your partner. Start singing "100 bottles of beer on the wall" or the theme from Batman (nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna nunna Batman!" It will soon be lights out.

9) Think of the most boring teacher you ever had. Imagine being in his classroom. He is leading a panel discussion about taxation. On the panel are Paris Hilton and Joe Biden.

10) Tivo the final of American Idol and zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

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BP 'Top-Killed' My Aching Back

I'm typing this with my feet because my back has gone all Quasimodo. Well, that's a slight exaggeration. I'm typing with my nose and one finger, because they have the greatest flexion. Everything else is locked up.

I feel like BP tried to "Top Kill" me, pumping 20 million tonnes of concrete, drilling mud, golf balls, tires, and broken beer bottles down my neck. But, I can't honestly blame BP, although, clearly, they suck.

Primary liability lies with our electric company. We now have to prune our tree limbs away from power lines. This means one has to look UP for two hours while lugging around a 20-foot lopper with a rope that's just slightly too short to grab when the lopper is at maximum extension, which has to be all the time. Middle-age people should not do this.

Oh, I could blame the man cub, because the tree trimming was preceded by cleaning the church, washing the car, picking up 9,000 pounds of moosedawg poop, and mowing the yard - all his duties. But since Junior is gainfully employed today, I shan't blame him. Maybe.

And I can't really blame the 100-pound moosedawg. He is a freak of nature who poops - volume-wise - five time more than he eats. He produces more sludge than BP, plus his special "Good morning!" stomach bile puke and an infinite amount of barks. (Don't EVER ask me to adopt another dog from the pound).

And now, back spasms and shooting neck pains are replacing the Top Kill achey stiffness. So it's either take two .357 bullets and call the doctor in the morning, or swallow OTC meds and take an uber-hot bath... And the bath wins, but this requires blame to be placed. Save us from women on economy sprees.

Bar soap is now out, and the pump thing is in. The first one was actually OK. It pumped a soap-like product, but of course that could not last. The bottle was not pretty and the soap-like substance was not NATURAL.

Now we have natural exfoliating body wash WITH KIWIFRUIT. It is green and filled with 10 billion little black exfoliators. They look too small to be kiwifruit seeds, and none are stuck between my teeth. Honestly, they look like fleas. Floating, dead fleas. That would be the ultimate irony. After spending hundreds of dollars last year to nuke a flea invasion, we are IMPORTING dead fleas in natural body wash to exfoliate away our flesh. Naturally.

So to review:

o my neck and back feel like BP gave me a Top Kill
o the pain is directly traceable to the electric company, the moosedawg, and Junior who, alas, I must blame.
o a crippled middle age man should not have to soak his Quasimodoed body in a three-quarter size bathtub (wife's fault), or scrape away his flesh with kiwifruit seeds or dead fleas (also wife's fault).

Alas, industrial strength Ibuprofen has replaced mother's milk and adult beverages as the chemical of choice in our home. Middle age tends to suck.

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10 Things to do on a Crappy, Rainy Day

It's dark and rainy and crappy outside. What to do?

1) Watch "how to be a blog millionaire" videos on the internet until you want to nuke all internet Wunderkinds.

2) Use your Swiss Army knife to try and scrape off that bump rash thing behind your knee that will NOT go away, despite visits to the skin doctor and buckets of high-cost creams.

3) Go to Facebook. Keep clicking on friends' friends' until you find someone who is a friend of Brett Favre. If you do it in less than 20 clicks, you are a sick person.

4) Listen to the Dean the Stream radio interview and learn everything you ever wanted to know about the mentality of TV sportscasters. (Really, listen to it all.)

5) Google 'Larry King ex-wives', ponder why blondes are dumb as rope, and then understand all by reading this.

6) Entertain yourself by putting the names of former girlfriends into an internet anagram website until it kicks out 'slut' or another dirty word.

7) Brainstorm painful things to do to BP execs, starting with 'A' (annihilate arseholes) - bonus points for two words with the same letter -- and ending with 'Z' (Zip them up in large oil spill bags and drop them into the ocean, still dressed in their $2,000 suits).

8) Google 'Will Rogers Quotes' and try to hold your breath until one of them makes you smile. Then wonder how come you don't know more about him, and how on earth he could be from Oklahoma.

9) Spend 5 minutes trying to think of ANY WAY POSSIBLE to make the American Idol final WORSE than it was this year. This is, of course, impossible, but a way to stimulate your brain that's as effective as playing with a Rubik's Cube or scraping your bump rash thing with a Swiss Army knife.

10) Start the clock. See how long you can go without touching your computer, cellphone/Blackberry, TV, IPod, stereo, or scratching your privates. If you can't last 5 minutes acknowledge that your life REALLY NEEDS WORK.

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We Will Not Stand for 'Man Heels'!

OK, we admit it. I speak for all men in admitting that, as men of the male gender, we have done a few bad things.

War, mullets and making toe lakes while standing up and peeing come to mind.

And 10 cent beer night, fart noises and golf.

OK, maybe add to the list large bore paintball guns, remote controls and really big breast implants.

We accept that women have grounds to feel some resentment toward men. Possibly even to retaliate a little.

So, as a gender, we men did not complain when our world was subjected to abuse or ridicule. No, we bit our tongues till they bled.

In our atonement, we, as men, publicly testified that having a baby is the WORST PAIN IN THE UNIVERSE - way worse than banging your thumb with a ball peen hammer, or even taking a fastball in the goolies (well, it's worse than the thumb banging thing, anyway).

So we've done our mea culpa. We've slept on the couch. We've eaten your Jenny Craig meals. (Lawsy lawsy lawsy).

But there is a point where female retribution against men must cease. Torture must stop.

Yet there is a dark brooding force surrounding us. This malevolent force is attempting to foist the most horrific torture on us that mankind has ever seen.

And we simply cannot stand for it. Our ankles just won't take it. Have mercy...

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Miley the Achy Breaky Lesbian Scandal

"OK, what have you got for us," Billy Ray Cyrus asks the PR strategist, as his daughter Miley paints her toenails.

"We've had 2.12 billion hits of Miley's lap dance - that's all screens and print. And we should top that with her lesbian kiss on Britain's Got Talent," said the PR.

"Gimme the business plan. So what's next? Is Miley turning into a drunk or P addict for the June news cycle, or does she go all little girl for awhile. Or is she raped or pregnant or getting an abortion or going into rehab? I've lost my Gantt scandal chart."

"Here Daddy, just use my i-phone. Click Miley Slut. It will be a killer app when it goes live in July, but this beta version works OK," says Miley, turning her attention back to her feet. "Which color goes best on my toes - black or dark purple? I think black will go best with August's SHOCK nipple ring photo shoot, and black goes with the car crash black-and-blue face photos in September."

"Peanut, I think they're both nice. You look great in black and blue... So, where were we? Brief me on the next quarter."

"Our focus groups and digi-polling show that Lady Gaga has SLUT all locked up. So Miley, honey, you need to put away the Goth colours and pull out the Disney pastels again. Now don't throw a fit, it's just until Gaga ends her tour. We need to go all mainstream media this cycle, all Hannah Montana redux. BUT, you'll love this, we'll re-use all this Hanna footage in our huge pre-Christmas campaign. Are you ready? Headline - "Daddy and Disney Horrified by Miley Sex tape."

"Finally, my sex tape! Wicked!"

"Is this the real sex tape or like the lap dance thing - all hype?" asks Billy Ray. "If it's the real sex tape, are we using the footage we shot when Miley was 14 with the quarterback or the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader? It's a shame Justin Bieber was only 9 back then."

"No, we'll use the Cowboys footage when Miley goes into rehab 3Q 2011. This content is the soft porn Miley shot with the hand-held in her treehouse when she was 11. You know, the one where she did the striptease to Achy Breaky Heart, and all the neighborhood kids were dressed in Disney animal costumes."

"That was SO FUN, Daddy," squeals Miley, as she leafs through a celebrity rehab brochure.

"Your Daddy still loves that song, honey bear. And you looked so cute singin' it in in your momma's black S&M stockings," says Billy Ray, briefly smiling at the memory, but then refocusing on the business at hand.

"What's my angle, my media spin? I need an Excel spreadsheet of my media statements for each campaign. I do not want to leave any money on the table. What's my line again when Miley goes all porno - 'She was just having fun; that's what kids her age do'"?

"No, that was the lap dance comment but it has legs. It also goes with the first 'Drunken Miley' footage and possibly the lezzy kiss shot with Gaga, but I want to focus group that one again. No, your line for Miley's Porno is, "Miley is just a victim of technology. My little girl's privacy has been invaded and it makes me really angry. She's just so upset, and it's so unfair!"

"That's all? I thought I was getting more air time - and I was going to punch out a paparazzi or slap the porn boy around. Remember I've got an album coming out, too!"

"Daddy, this is all about ME, ME, ME, remember? You know I am totally there for you and your comeback, but let's stay on message. You can get your TARPS after my abortion and suicide attempt scandal next fiscal year, OK, my dearest Daddeeeeeee?"

"Oh all right. Daddy's little girl is just getting so growed up."

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