Saturday, July 31, 2010

Top 10 Picks for New American Idol Judge

Ellen has danced off the Idol stage, and JLo's booty has entered. But who's to replace Simon Cowell? Hollywood bookies say the top 10 contenders are:

1) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. As imminently likable as Cowell, and certain to boost voting when he calls Muslim tweenies to text jihad.

2) Geraldo Rivera. His ego dwarfs Cowell's although that, like quantuum physics, is impossible to grasp.

3) Tiger Woods. It's not like his golf game is on fire. And he has a thing for JLo booty types.

4) Al Gore. Making Idol "sustainable" is a major challenge. Mr "An Inconvenient Truth" has the greenest credentials and he reportedly has quite a following amongst the massage community.

5) Ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Many Cowell-like qualities. Impressive Hair? Check. Jerk factor? At least a 10. But large question mark over Blago's availability, pending sentencing.

6) Dog the Bounty Hunter. He, and his missus, yowza, are the only contenders with bigger pecs than Cowell.

7) Steve Jobs. A very strategic dark horse (dressed in black...dark horse...get it? har). He makes a slight tweak to iPad and iPhone software and, voila, 100 billion iDol votes are cast each week and squillions more iSongs are downloaded.

8) Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but he's never been bigger. And even in his present condition (technically: dead), he'll be as helpful as Randy Jackson. Know what I'm saying, dawg?

9) Simon Cowell Jr. There is a strong rumor that Simon had a love child with himself.

10) Chelsea Clinton. A long shot, but consider: her Father has a long history with teenage girls, Idol's core demographic. Ewwww.

And your personal nominees are..............

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Monday, July 26, 2010

I'm Fabulously Rich! A Prominent Law Partner from Portugal Says So!

Finally, my ship has come in! I've struck gold! The rich relative died and I am IN THE WILL!

Well, actually, there isn't a Will, but that's why we're rich. Wahoo!

It took long enough. Everyone I know has already received millions from Publishers Clearing House or squillions from Nigerian bankers. I've seen their letters. But for me? Not a sausage. Until now!

I just received an official letter - posted, not emailed, it's so official - from Dan Ricardo, Ricardo & Associates, "Litigation & Corporate LLM", who is an expert in corporate and legal claims.

Dan Ricardo's client, miraculously, in total serendipity, deposited $32 million USD "at the vault of a financial institution here in Portugal." Alas, he or she left no Will at the time of his or her death (Interstate) in March 2007.

In a brilliant stroke of luck for me, and I quote exactly from Dan's official letter, "because of the international financial crises, allot of reform has been made within the Portuguese Financial system, this includes the new law on succession/claims which indicates a duration in which such inheritance could be tolerated."

Dan Ricardo, who is "legally equipped with all necessary information/documentations concerning this fund," is prepared to give me 40% of the $32 million USD), keep 40% for himself (fair is fair), and give 20% to a charity in Portugal. Or "your country"!

What a genuine, generous guy, is our Dan, Prominent Law Partner!

I know you are suspicious, thinking this is a Nigerian type scam. You are so cynical and so wrong. I'll give you four reasons.

First, Dan Ricardo is from Portugal (which was ranked 8th by FIFA and Coca-Cola following the World Cup), not from a corrupt backwater country like Nigeria (which was rated a lousy 30th by FIFA).

Second, those Nigerian scamsters always ask you to give THEM money before they give YOU money. Dan Ricardo, who I will remind you is a Prominent Law Partner with Ricardo & Associates (whose logo is the Scales of Justice), has not asked me for a bean.

Third, Dan Ricardo is willing to give $6.4 million USD of our shared fortune to charity, and he is not required to do that by Portugal's "allot of reform". He is just a humanitarian. (Muy bueno, Dan!)

Fourth, it is Dan Ricardo's "concern to demand (my) ultimate honesty, co-operation and confidentiality." And he means this, deeply, from the bottom of his heart. I can just tell.

As you would expect, Dan Ricardo, a Partner in a MAJOR Portuguese law firm (remember the Scales of Justice logo), is a busy man. He is presently in their Barcelona office. Immediately after I contact him by fax or email, he will advise "how this could be concluded". And, don't worry, he GUARANTEES that this process will be "executed under a legitimate arrangement that would legally protect (me) from any breach of law."

But wait, there's more!

Not only did Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner, send me ONE of these $32 million USD letters. He sent me TWO!

Even though neither has my name spelled exactly right -- in fact, the second one is addressed to someone in another city with another name -- Dan Ricardo has guaranteed this "legitimate arrangement". He has provided his contact numbers (Private Number +3519111 7238), office (+3493545317-Ext5), fax (+34 933 807 49 OR +34954 322 22) and his email addresses ( or

How legit is that?

I know that my friends will all be toasting my incredible good fortune! I ask each of you to suggest which charities in Portugal or New Zealand should receive the $12.8 million USD (from two letters, remember).

And I would be willing to bet that Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner that he is, would allow us to donate to charities in other countries as well. He probably would even be happy to talk to you, and keep your contact details on file, just in case one of your relatives should be his client, die (Interstate), and have no Will.

He's that kind of guy.

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Sunday, July 25, 2010

Lindsay Lohan: 10 reasons why I love being in jail!

1) I look so effing hot in orange! Boilermaker suits rock!

2) Being with all these jail girls makes Sam sooo jealous! Bitch!

3) I own Twitter! Miley who? Paris WHO?

4) No ankle bracelet!

5) Reality TV here I come! My show? How about 'Get out of jail free'!

6) Lockdown! I love to cause them! Lockdown! Lockdown! Lockdown! I rock!

7) Stick, the 'girl next door', is giving me a jail tattoo! With prison ink! Wicked!

8) No makeup. No knickers. No paparazzi. No life :-{

9) I hope they'll let my sweet, caring, wonderful Daddy come for a sleep-over! For like 20 years!

10) Only five more sleeps until I get out! Better than Christmas! Wicked!

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Monday, July 19, 2010

Shocking photo of Oksana Testifying Against Mel

Photo: Oksana, without makeup, gives secret testimony

This exclusive surveillance photo, at left, was secretly snapped earlier today in court when Oksana Grigorieva provided shocking testimony against former lover, Mel Gibson.

Her explosively, and pungent, evidence had previously been leaked - in high definition video and surround sound - to CNN, Fox News, ABC, NBC, CBS, Al Jazeera, Oprah Winfrey and Perez Hilton. (Note: the leaked evidence had earlier been rejected by scandal monger Geraldo Rivera, who said: "This is so low, so disgusting that even I cannot go there, and that's saying something.")

However, Oksana's legal spokeswoman told TMZ, "Mr. Gibson persists in attempting to 'litigate' this matter in the media, and continues to launch false accusations against the mother of his child.

"Unlike Mr. Gibson, Ms. Grigorieva has not, and will not engage in this type of undignified banter in the press," she added, as the pong of her client's yellowish testimony drifted over the media conference.

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Saturday, July 17, 2010

Anagram Insights for Oksana and Mel - Key words - Oink, Goo, Vagina, Lemons

Craving more goss about Oksana Grigorieva? Don't bother reading gossip rags or court documents. Just run her name through this internet anagram website.

It yields 36 pages of Anagram Personality Insights, which we categorize and shortlist here solely as a public service:


- A Vagina Riser Gook
- Vaginas Rag Rookie
- Vagina Raiser Gook
- Vagina Okra Orgies

Plus Goo

- Vagina Arks Gooier
- Vaginae Ark Goo Sir
- Area Ska Virgin Goo
- A Varies Raking Goo

Pig Qualities, Ovaries and Orgies

- A Garage Oink Visor
- A Savage Rigor Oink
- A Ravages Rooking I
- Ovarian Agog Skier
- A Raving Oak Orgies
- Ravagers Ago I Oink

Misc insights

- Savager Oak Groin I
- A Ravages Rooking I
- A Kangaroo Give Sir

And to understand Mel Gibson's attraction to the 'lovely' Oksana, we only need to run his name through the same anagram analyzer, which offers us:

- Big Lemons
- Bong Slime
- Be Long Mis
- Glob Em Ins

That about says it all, eh?

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Friday, July 16, 2010

BP Caps Well, But New Spews and Dog Poos Cause Blues

BP has successfully capped their leaking Gulf well, but spewing continues at a frightening rate on a range of other fronts.

More than 100 dogs, mainly Chihuahuas, were found in a Philadelphia home. Eyewitnesses said the floors were covered in nearly two feet of animal feces.
An investigation into the home began a year ago when neighbors complained of an overwhelming stench. City officials have condemned the home and deemed it uninhabitable.

In an unrelated dog-spewing incident, Rhode Island animal-control officers recently investigated a possible "pet hording" on Phebe Street. When a second story door was opened, the officers witnessed "a waterfall of dachshunds and Chihuahuas spilling down the stairs." About 50 dogs, all but three of them of small breeds, were living in the single-family house. The depth of dog poop on Phebe Street was not released.

Meanwhile, pollsters say American voters are suffering from "Obama-spew". The President trails Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, and is even tied with Sarah Palin. (It was not clear whether the President also trailed dachshunds and Chihuahuas.)

Palin-2-spew was being recorded in both Alaska and Hollywood, as First Mama Grizzly cub Bristol Palin announced her re-engagement to Levi Johnston. His claims to fame include impregnating teen-age Bristol and, after their ugly public split, posing for Playgirl magazine. As if this spew was not enough, rumors are circulating of a soon-to-be-announced reality TV show starring single teen mom Bristol and her Johnston.

Although vile, Palin-2-spew was not at press time considered a national emergency.

More worrying for the Obama Administration is a far more damaging "O-class" emergency - Oksana spew - which has choked the nation's airways and sewers with vile Melfluent for weeks, with no end to the spewage in sight.

Administration and BP officials are considering whether a second and third cap - similar to the 75-ton cap used successfully in the Gulf - could be placed over the mouths of Oksana and Mel Gibson. But most experts think their spew will renew, worse than the dog-poo-spew, Obama-spew and Palin-2-spew.


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Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Oksana Leads Slimeball of the Year Race

We may have a photo-finish for Slimeball of the Year 2010, and what an amazing group of professional and amateur slimeballs have made it to the finals led by:

1) Oksana Grigorieva, 39, who has bedded, babied, and bushwhacked AlcoMel Gibson, all part of a strategical Soviet plan to send melmillions her way.

2) Aimee Sword, 36, Michigan mother of five-plus, who gave up her son at birth, tracked him down on Facebook when he was 14, and then repeatedly had sex with him.

3)Al Gore, seriously, is alleged to have "tried to stick his tongue down my throat" at a New Year's party, according to a female journalist. French kissing is not in itself slimeball. When attached to "Fat Algore, it is way slimy. Ew.

4) Tiger Woods, who cheated on his gorgeous wife and children with bimbos who all looked like this.

5)Jesse James, who would be even slimier than Tiger but, really, what do you expect from a man whose genes flow from this man.

6-10)Miley Cyrus dominates with five places in Slimeball of the Year's top 10, thanks to her strategic and relentless slimyness, including her lovely upskirt photo from the slimy Perez Hilton.

The "winner" of the 2010 Slimeball of the Year will be announced after your comments are tallied... Previous votes cast for Tiger and Jesse cannot be counted.

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Friday, July 9, 2010

Wrinkles Offer No Protection Against Crime or STDs. Ewwww.

We are pleased to report that the world's oldest woman (no, not Joan Rivers) has just turned 130 in the Soviet Republic of Georgia.

But we feel obligated to warn Antisa Khvichava that her health and longevity could be at risk because many of her fellow senior citizens are simply behaving badly.

Take John "Sonny" Franzese for example.

Sonny, 93, was convicted last week in New York of racketeering and conspiracy. Never mind that he was nicknamed "Nod Father" by the Daily News because he kept falling asleep during his trial. The court heard that he shook down strip clubs and pizzerias, was once a friend of Frank "Currently Dead But Still the Greatest" Sinatra and had a stake in the classic porn film "Death Throat".

We don't know whether Sonny also likes to shake down the ladies. But cases of STDs are exploding amongst the senior set, thanks to the tidal wave of Viagra drugs and an epidemic of unprotected, and very wrinkled, senior sex.


A disturbing Reuters news report - which actually uses "annals", "swelling" and "up" in a story about senior citizens and STDs - warns that the number of new cases of STDs per 10,000 men over age 40 was up almost 50% since 1996.

Dr. Anupam B. Jena of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, who led this study, says that older men on erectile dysfunction drugs are twice as likely to contract an STD as older men who didn't take them (the "limp noodle" control group).

We can have great confidence in Dr Jena's expertise in this area because the letters in her name can be re-arranged to spell "Aha Jab Men Up" and "Pajama Bun Eh".

Clearly, the number of sexy seniors likely to rise (HAR) to 130 years old will drop off (HAR) if this wanton sexual behavior continues.

Are you listening Larry King? Ewwww.

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Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Iran Robot Just like Sony's, if You Don't Count the Nukes

Iran has developed a human-like robot for "sensitive jobs," according to a government newspaper.

Soorena-2, named after an ancient Persian warrior, was unveiled by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who is slightly taller than the "4.7 feet" robot.

"Walking slowly like human beings with regular arm and leg movements are among its characteristics," the report said. "Such robots are designed and developed to be used in sensitive and difficult jobs on behalf of a person or as help."

The report did not elaborate on the robot's additional "capabilities".

Iran has pursued a number of scientific projects but has come under increasing international pressure over its controversial nuclear programme.

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Sunday, July 4, 2010

Two-Billion-Headed Calf Flies Standing Up With Paris Hilton's Body on Ice

Speed-reading isn't everything it's cracked up to be.

The actual highlights from New Zealand's Sunday newspapers are:

- New Zealander who kept dead girlfriend on L.A. ice now living with parents

- Facebook introducing face-recognition software

- Ryannair to introduce vertical, five-pound seats

- Piggery fined $45,000 for causing burning eyes and headaches

- Two-headed calf born in Northern Egypt

- Obama introduces $2b for solar

- Paris marijuana charges dropped

But the speed-reading mashups sent to my brain were:

- Facebook solar software keeps dead readers on ice

- Two-headed Obama calf flies on marijuana

- Ryannair charges five pounds for going vertical with pungent pig Paris Hilton

Which makes sense considering the story about lost methadone in Lower Hutt...

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