Shocking photo of Oksana Testifying Against Mel

Photo: Oksana, without makeup, gives secret testimony


This exclusive surveillance photo, at left, was secretly snapped earlier today in court when Oksana Grigorieva provided shocking testimony against former lover, Mel Gibson.

Her explosively, and pungent, evidence had previously been leaked - in high definition video and surround sound - to CNN, Fox News, ABC, NBC, CBS, Al Jazeera, Oprah Winfrey and Perez Hilton. (Note: the leaked evidence had earlier been rejected by scandal monger Geraldo Rivera, who said: "This is so low, so disgusting that even I cannot go there, and that's saying something.")

However, Oksana's legal spokeswoman told TMZ, "Mr. Gibson persists in attempting to 'litigate' this matter in the media, and continues to launch false accusations against the mother of his child.

"Unlike Mr. Gibson, Ms. Grigorieva has not, and will not engage in this type of undignified banter in the press," she added, as the pong of her client's yellowish testimony drifted over the media conference.


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BP Caps Well, But New Spews and Dog Poos Cause Blues

BP has successfully capped their leaking Gulf well, but spewing continues at a frightening rate on a range of other fronts.

More than 100 dogs, mainly Chihuahuas, were found in a Philadelphia home. Eyewitnesses said the floors were covered in nearly two feet of animal feces.
An investigation into the home began a year ago when neighbors complained of an overwhelming stench. City officials have condemned the home and deemed it uninhabitable.

In an unrelated dog-spewing incident, Rhode Island animal-control officers recently investigated a possible "pet hording" on Phebe Street. When a second story door was opened, the officers witnessed "a waterfall of dachshunds and Chihuahuas spilling down the stairs." About 50 dogs, all but three of them of small breeds, were living in the single-family house. The depth of dog poop on Phebe Street was not released.

Meanwhile, pollsters say American voters are suffering from "Obama-spew". The President trails Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, and is even tied with Sarah Palin. (It was not clear whether the President also trailed dachshunds and Chihuahuas.)

Palin-2-spew was being recorded in both Alaska and Hollywood, as First Mama Grizzly cub Bristol Palin announced her re-engagement to Levi Johnston. His claims to fame include impregnating teen-age Bristol and, after their ugly public split, posing for Playgirl magazine. As if this spew was not enough, rumors are circulating of a soon-to-be-announced reality TV show starring single teen mom Bristol and her Johnston.

Although vile, Palin-2-spew was not at press time considered a national emergency.

More worrying for the Obama Administration is a far more damaging "O-class" emergency - Oksana spew - which has choked the nation's airways and sewers with vile Melfluent for weeks, with no end to the spewage in sight.

Administration and BP officials are considering whether a second and third cap - similar to the 75-ton cap used successfully in the Gulf - could be placed over the mouths of Oksana and Mel Gibson. But most experts think their spew will renew, worse than the dog-poo-spew, Obama-spew and Palin-2-spew.

Ewwww.

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Privacy? Facebook can see your Johnson!

All the worry and gnashing of teeth about Facebook and privacy issues is completely overblown, the company's CEO explains in this interview conducted today over Facebook.

CNN: Mr. Zuckerberg, exactly what have you been secretly doing to invade our privacy?

Facebook CEO: People love Facebook. That's why 11 billion people 'Facebook' every day. We are all about community and communication. Our motto makes that clear - "To know more about you than Google, and then tell everyone, for a fee". But we totally, 100% respect everyone's wish for privacy. That's why you only have to tick one box (on page 273 of our easy-to-understand privacy disclaimer) if you don't want Facebook to distribute your personal information to everyone in the known universe.

CNN: So all I have to do is tick that one box and then you won't share my personal information with other websites, is that correct?

FB CEO: Oh no, no, no. If you tick that box, we won't share your personal info with your friends. We'll still send it to thousands of other websites, Google, and the Obama Administration. Your privacy is absolutely of paramount importance to us.

CNN: Then can you explain the recent changes, so Facebook users will stop worrying about their privacy?

FB CEO: Absolutely. Happy to be totally transparent. Just like your trousers. Great tattoos."

CNN: Excuse me? You can see my tattoos?

FB CEO: Just the one on your butt. I can't make out the one on your 'Johnson'. We've just started using the same scanning technology used at major airports - all to ensure your 100% privacy. But if you don't want that level of protection, or having us share your tattoos with grandma or your employer, simply tick the box on page 2,075 of our easy-to-read, fully transparent, privacy disclaimer. You want to get that?

CNN: Get what?

FB CEO: Your front door.

CNN's doorbell: Ding dong.

FB CEO: And your phone.

CNN's i-phone Justin Bieber ring tone: Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby, Baby.

CNN: CAN FACEBOOK SEE THROUGH MY TROUSERS AND MY FRONT DOOR AND HEAR MY PHONE BEFORE IT RINGS?

FB CEO: Not totally. We're beta testing with Google a new app that lets us see through doors and into the future. We can only see about 10 seconds into your future right now, but by 2Q 2011 we should be able to look forward to about 2025. By looking into the future of all 111 billion FB users, and their children, we can absolutely protect everyone's privacy. You've got cute kids, by the way.

CNN: What? I'm single. I don't have any kids.

FB CEO: Oh, right. I couldn't know about your children because you adjusted your privacy settings next Thursday. BTW, the tattoo on your Johnson is clear now... Why have you got FOX NEWS tattooed on it?

CNN: AUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

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Oprah and volcano blow their stacks

Fox News has learned that the eruption of Iceland's Eyjafallajokull volcano is directly linked to enraged talk show host Oprah Winfrey.

Just before the volcano exploded, the billionaire broadcaster erupted herself over release of unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelley's latest book, 'Oprah'.

"Make no mistake, the events are linked. Both are dark, powerful and started spewing voluminous gases and vile ash into the air at the same time. And Oprah's name spelled backwards is Harpo (her production company), and Eyjafallajokull spelled backwards is Llukojallafajye, which is the most horrible word in our language," says Ejnskiier Kjjkjavik, a geophysicist and broadcast expert in Iceland.

Winfrey, according to unnamed sources, hopes the ash being belched into the skies will ground Kitty Kelley, and bury Kelley's allegations about lesbian affairs, false claims of sexual abuse, and that Winfrey and President Obama were actually conjoined twins, separated at birth.

And forensic photographic evidence shows the unquestionable relation between Winfrey and the volcano.

"Until Kelley's unauthorized bio of Oprah falls off the best-seller list, international air travel will be in chaos. When Oprah spews, she really spews. And this isn't skinny Oprah that spewed, this is the big one!"

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Emails to and from No Nukes Obama

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House:

"Just to confirm, American schoolboy, USA will no more use nuclear bombs against any country that has no nuclear bombs, yes? Not that we have any. But we will use them by the thousands to destroy you infidel dogs."

Response from the White House:

"That is correct. With the exceptions of North Korea and Iran, who are not cooperating with the international community on nonproliferation standards. Thank you for your email and have a wonderful day."

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House

"Iran certifies, hand on heart, to the international community that we are 100% cooperating on nonproliferation standards. Not that they are necessary in Iran, which is a peaceful country with no nukes. But we are ready to rain death on the world with untold nuclear savagery."

Email from North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to White House:

"As Dear Leader of the fourth largest standing army in the world, and by far the tallest and most handsome world leader, I pledge that North Korea agrees to cooperate fully on nonproliferation. And I note that our nuclear bombs, er, our peaceful nuclear medical research programs, should terrify the world."

Email from the White House to North Korea and Iran:

"Thank you so much for your email. We are gladdened that the world can now stand united, ready and able to boldly walk hand in hand into the peaceful rainbows of tomorrow. We promise not to nuke either of you, my dear, dear, equally tall and virile friends. Love, Barak."

Email from Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Kim Jong-Il:

"Can you believe this guy? Just proves that brains cannot operate in altitudes above 5-foot-7, ha. How's your 'nonproliferation' going? (nod nod wink wink)"

Email from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

"Our nonproliferation multi-stage treaties are now capable of reaching California and, with the addition of new, uhm, special wording, they will be able to crush the pink rose on President Obama's satin lapel."

From Chinese PM Hu Jintao to the White House:

"The People's Republic of China congratulates your peace initiative. We ask that your no-nuke-strike pledge be extended to China. We are a peaceful nuclear country, and we hold $889 billion in US treasury notes that we could call in at any moment. Not to mention our 20 new Boomer nuke subs."

From the White House to Chinese PM Hu:

"Of course. We have added our peaceful friends in China to the no-nuke-attack list. The omission was purely an oversight. And we are prepared to offer another $100billion in treasuries to China at a further 10% off, while supplies last, today only."

From Russian PM Vladimir Putin to the White House:

"I have no shirt on, being the world's buffest manly leader. I, too, am touched by your nuclear pledge. To further the cause of peace, Russia will allow the USA to store your entire nuclear arsenal on Soviet soil. Specifically, at Chernobyl, for obvious reasons. In this way, any aggressor would have to fire missiles at us, to destroy your nuclear weapons, keeping American's safe and free. It is the least we can do. Go the Blue Devils!"

From Chinese PM HU:

"We also are happy to store your nuclear weapons. We will just bulldoze some of the treasury notes out of the way."

From President Obama to PM Hu and President Putin:

"We are truly on the precipice of a new age, achieving things that were thought impossible only a generation ago. I'll talk to Rahm about sending you our nukes. I like the idea. I just won't be sending them in a Toyota, if you know what I mean! Those Japanese cars are dangerous!"

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Sarkozy's nipple frenzy at White House

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the media. Presidents Obama and Sarkozy have completed their prepared statements. As agreed, they will now take media questions."

FOX NEWS:

"President Obama, I noticed at the State dinner that President Sarkozy very much enjoyed dancing with the First Lady. I have to say their height difference caused, uhm, a titter amongst some journalists. Do either of you have any comment?"



PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Next question..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY:

(After a translation from his staff member, which included hand gestures of pinching nipples, a now very alert French President says) "Yes, very much is true. The President and I see eye-to-eye on many things, including Iran. But I much prefer making eye contact with the lovely First Lady. As President Berlusconi says, 'badda bing'.

(More snickers from the press corp, as the White House Spokesman tries to regain control, but not before Sarkozy, on his tip-toes, can add...)

"And I theenk the First Lady appreciates being with a true Frenchman who talks softly and carries his beeg stick, if you know what I mean."

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Any other questions, on IRAN?"

FOX NEWS

"Follow up question. President Sarkozy, would you or Tom Cruise be the bigger ladies man, at least in the eyes of Michelle Obama?"

(CNN's pin-striped correspondent angrily elbows FOX, as howls of laughter erupt)

(The translator leaps backwards, onto the couch, Tom-Cruise-on-Oprah style, makes a nipple-pinching gesture, and looks adoringly at Mrs Obama, who has walked into the press conference arm-in-arm with Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.)

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"With utmost respect to Mr Cruise, I would, shall we say, have the Top Gun."

(Sarkozy winks at Michelle Obama. All media, except CNN and the New York Times, fall on the floor laughing... President Obama, slightly red faced, turns to his French counterpart...)

PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Perhaps the President would comment on what his lovely First Lady was wearing last night. A fashion editor admired her dress' startlingly deep neckline..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"Peuff (he says, with an expression of disdain). The entire world has seen my wife's cleavages, even her own two buttocks. Thees is old news. But as to Mrs Obama's fit and athletic First nipples..."

(FIRST LADY CARLA BRUNI-SARKOZI walks to the lectern and kicks the box out from under her husband, dropping him six inches to the ground, now eye level with her elbow, which she thrusts into his eye.)

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Top Secret visit by Obama

President Obama made a top secret visit to hostile territory at the weekend, speaking with soldiers and government leaders, who were asked to pass through metal detectors before the meetings.

President Obama's visit to heavily armed Dallas, a hub of Red State anti-government activity, was meant to counter criticism that he was "holed up" in Washington and that his strategy of appeasement with Texas had failed.

"I want to send a strong message that the partnership between the United States and Texas is going to continue. We have already seen progress with respect to security around the airport. There was only limited gunfire when we landed; most from hostiles and only an insignificant amount from within Air Force One," the President said during his "on the ground update".

Texas Gov Rick Perry, sneaking away from Tea Party events in 17 Texas cities, met briefly with President Obama at the heavily fortified Cowboys Stadium. White House officials described the meeting as "productive and mainly positive" with "go-forward nuances" balanced with "the realities of needing medical attention".

Word leaked out that at least one cowboy boot was hurled at the President's head, shattering a teleprompter. This could not be confirmed, but it was noted that Gov Perry was seen leaving the meeting "with one side taller than the other and a big smile on his face."

After numerous holes in Air Force One were repaired, and a sticker saying "Secede One" was removed from the cockpit window, President Obama flew to the relative safety of Afghanistan.

Darth Obama

A *poll of Republicans shows:

- almost a quarter think President Obama is the anti-christ

- 67% say he's a socialist

- 57% say he's a secret Muslim

- 99% think his wife could kick his butt

- 75% believe Elvis is still headlining in Las Vegas

- 91% shot holes in the pollsters' notepad when asked about gun control

- 97% believe Ronald Reagan was a "Founding Father who signed the Declaration of Independence" and invented the horse

- 131% believe Fox News is a religious broadcaster

* This poll was conducted at NRA meetings, Dallas Cowboys football games, in Sarah Palin's bedroom and on the planet Naboo.