Top 10 Picks for New American Idol Judge

Ellen has danced off the Idol stage, and JLo's booty has entered. But who's to replace Simon Cowell? Hollywood bookies say the top 10 contenders are:

1) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. As imminently likable as Cowell, and certain to boost voting when he calls Muslim tweenies to text jihad.

2) Geraldo Rivera. His ego dwarfs Cowell's although that, like quantuum physics, is impossible to grasp.

3) Tiger Woods. It's not like his golf game is on fire. And he has a thing for JLo booty types.

4) Al Gore. Making Idol "sustainable" is a major challenge. Mr "An Inconvenient Truth" has the greenest credentials and he reportedly has quite a following amongst the massage community.

5) Ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Many Cowell-like qualities. Impressive Hair? Check. Jerk factor? At least a 10. But large question mark over Blago's availability, pending sentencing.

6) Dog the Bounty Hunter. He, and his missus, yowza, are the only contenders with bigger pecs than Cowell.

7) Steve Jobs. A very strategic dark horse (dressed in black...dark horse...get it? har). He makes a slight tweak to iPad and iPhone software and, voila, 100 billion iDol votes are cast each week and squillions more iSongs are downloaded.

8) Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but he's never been bigger. And even in his present condition (technically: dead), he'll be as helpful as Randy Jackson. Know what I'm saying, dawg?

9) Simon Cowell Jr. There is a strong rumor that Simon had a love child with himself.

10) Chelsea Clinton. A long shot, but consider: her Father has a long history with teenage girls, Idol's core demographic. Ewwww.

And your personal nominees are..............


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Oksana Leads Slimeball of the Year Race

We may have a photo-finish for Slimeball of the Year 2010, and what an amazing group of professional and amateur slimeballs have made it to the finals led by:

1) Oksana Grigorieva, 39, who has bedded, babied, and bushwhacked AlcoMel Gibson, all part of a strategical Soviet plan to send melmillions her way.

2) Aimee Sword, 36, Michigan mother of five-plus, who gave up her son at birth, tracked him down on Facebook when he was 14, and then repeatedly had sex with him.

3)Al Gore, seriously, is alleged to have "tried to stick his tongue down my throat" at a New Year's party, according to a female journalist. French kissing is not in itself slimeball. When attached to "Fat Algore, it is way slimy. Ew.

4) Tiger Woods, who cheated on his gorgeous wife and children with bimbos who all looked like this.

5)Jesse James, who would be even slimier than Tiger but, really, what do you expect from a man whose genes flow from this man.

6-10)Miley Cyrus dominates with five places in Slimeball of the Year's top 10, thanks to her strategic and relentless slimyness, including her lovely upskirt photo from the slimy Perez Hilton.

The "winner" of the 2010 Slimeball of the Year will be announced after your comments are tallied... Previous votes cast for Tiger and Jesse cannot be counted.


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Ginormous Sky Fireball: I'm just sayin'...

EYEWITNESS QUOTE: "IT WAS SOMETHING ALARMING TO ME. I'VE SEEN SHOOTING STARTS BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING JETTING ACROSS THE SKY WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OFF OF IT."

Is it just me, or did the ginormous fireball over several Midwestern states make you wonder whether:

- those pocket dictators in Iran and North Korea were showing off for "No Nukes Obama"?

- Des Moines' Tea Party extravaganza was receiving a sign of approval from above?

- NASA had gone a little over-the-top celebrating the 40th anniversary of Apollo 13's safe return?

- the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator thingee that was guaranteed not to create a black hole or time warp or end of the world solar firestorm just might have?

- Toyota's prototype spaceship had a slight problem with unintended acceleration?

- an old, dead, black man's voice was about to ask, "Tiger, did you learn anything?", followed by the planets and stars realigning to form a giant Nike Swoosh?

I'm just sayin...

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Toyota creates employment bounce

At least one commentator says unemployment will "significantly drop" when quarterly statistics are released.

Some 1.2 million previously idle lawyers and BMW salesmen are now working thanks to class action lawsuits being prepared in all 51 states, including Canada, against the world's leading automaker.

"We are shocked and deeply concerned because of the potentially squazillions of deaths and tragic injuries (real and imagined) to all people (real and imaginary) who have owned, rented, or possibly walked past a Toyota in their current or past lives. Mere proximity to these vehicles could leave lifelong physical and psychological scars (and passive income streams) to virtually any tragic-looking or really cute Americans (living and dead, with the possible exception of Tiger Woods). Our team of skilled litigators are working round the clock (when they are not sacking groceries in their day jobs) to protect the rights of all injured Americans and ensure they get what they deserve.

A spokesman for Government Motors declined to comment, saying only: "We take no joy in this sad chapter on Japan. It's not like the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. And we simply don't believe reports that all Toyotas ever made were lined with asbestos, plutonium and trans fats. We're not so sure, though, about Toyotas being linked to impotence, baldness and making women's butts look really big. Buyer beware."