10 Things to do on a Crappy, Rainy Day

It's dark and rainy and crappy outside. What to do?

1) Watch "how to be a blog millionaire" videos on the internet until you want to nuke all internet Wunderkinds.

2) Use your Swiss Army knife to try and scrape off that bump rash thing behind your knee that will NOT go away, despite visits to the skin doctor and buckets of high-cost creams.

3) Go to Facebook. Keep clicking on friends' friends' until you find someone who is a friend of Brett Favre. If you do it in less than 20 clicks, you are a sick person.

4) Listen to the Dean the Stream radio interview and learn everything you ever wanted to know about the mentality of TV sportscasters. (Really, listen to it all.)

5) Google 'Larry King ex-wives', ponder why blondes are dumb as rope, and then understand all by reading this.

6) Entertain yourself by putting the names of former girlfriends into an internet anagram website until it kicks out 'slut' or another dirty word.

7) Brainstorm painful things to do to BP execs, starting with 'A' (annihilate arseholes) - bonus points for two words with the same letter -- and ending with 'Z' (Zip them up in large oil spill bags and drop them into the ocean, still dressed in their $2,000 suits).

8) Google 'Will Rogers Quotes' and try to hold your breath until one of them makes you smile. Then wonder how come you don't know more about him, and how on earth he could be from Oklahoma.

9) Spend 5 minutes trying to think of ANY WAY POSSIBLE to make the American Idol final WORSE than it was this year. This is, of course, impossible, but a way to stimulate your brain that's as effective as playing with a Rubik's Cube or scraping your bump rash thing with a Swiss Army knife.

10) Start the clock. See how long you can go without touching your computer, cellphone/Blackberry, TV, IPod, stereo, or scratching your privates. If you can't last 5 minutes acknowledge that your life REALLY NEEDS WORK.

Click on 'comments' below and add your two cents!

BP Sucks

Having failed repeatedly to cap its leaking, the oil giant is offering $10 million to anyone who can figure out how to plug the well. Suggestions are pouring in.

Caller LeRoy Hubbard from Gotebo, Oklahoma: "Oncet we busted off a far hydrant with Billie Sue's Bronco. Woo-wee, you shoulda seen the gusher. Anyways, afore the law got there, we plugged it up reel good. Tweren't nothin special. We just hog-tied the Mayor's mule and sorta dragged it over the water pipe. Ah thank you could drop a really beeg mule on that there all rig. Where kin ah get mah money?"

Caller Charles Barkley: "This whole thing is just stoopid. All they need to do is give me one of those deep sea diving suits and a dozen basketballs. I'm fat but I can still go to the hole. I'll plug up that sucker in time for supper. Now gimme my money."

Caller George Bush from Crawford Texas:
"Before everyone goes nucular on this, they need to just stop and smell the cupcakes. I'll ring old Dick Cheney and he'll fix it. What's that Laura honey? Oh, Halliburton poured the rig's concrete before it blew up... I'll just hang up now..."

Caller John Madden : "Okay, okay. You've got Brett Favre on this huge barge. You've got Jason Witten going deep, really deep - about 1,500 yards deep, because he's not a one-dimensional tight end. He can run, block and dive. So Favre drops back, the waves are rockin' and rollin' the barge. Favre looks left, he's about to be sacked by Shamu. He steps into the pocket. He hits Witten. Witten puts his head down and slams into the rig. BOOM! It's sealed. It's done. That's what Brett Favre can do for you."

Click on 'comments' below and add your two cents!