Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Sarkozy's nipple frenzy at White House


"Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the media. Presidents Obama and Sarkozy have completed their prepared statements. As agreed, they will now take media questions."


"President Obama, I noticed at the State dinner that President Sarkozy very much enjoyed dancing with the First Lady. I have to say their height difference caused, uhm, a titter amongst some journalists. Do either of you have any comment?"


"Next question..."


(After a translation from his staff member, which included hand gestures of pinching nipples, a now very alert French President says) "Yes, very much is true. The President and I see eye-to-eye on many things, including Iran. But I much prefer making eye contact with the lovely First Lady. As President Berlusconi says, 'badda bing'.

(More snickers from the press corp, as the White House Spokesman tries to regain control, but not before Sarkozy, on his tip-toes, can add...)

"And I theenk the First Lady appreciates being with a true Frenchman who talks softly and carries his beeg stick, if you know what I mean."


"Any other questions, on IRAN?"


"Follow up question. President Sarkozy, would you or Tom Cruise be the bigger ladies man, at least in the eyes of Michelle Obama?"

(CNN's pin-striped correspondent angrily elbows FOX, as howls of laughter erupt)

(The translator leaps backwards, onto the couch, Tom-Cruise-on-Oprah style, makes a nipple-pinching gesture, and looks adoringly at Mrs Obama, who has walked into the press conference arm-in-arm with Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.)


"With utmost respect to Mr Cruise, I would, shall we say, have the Top Gun."

(Sarkozy winks at Michelle Obama. All media, except CNN and the New York Times, fall on the floor laughing... President Obama, slightly red faced, turns to his French counterpart...)


"Perhaps the President would comment on what his lovely First Lady was wearing last night. A fashion editor admired her dress' startlingly deep neckline..."


"Peuff (he says, with an expression of disdain). The entire world has seen my wife's cleavages, even her own two buttocks. Thees is old news. But as to Mrs Obama's fit and athletic First nipples..."

(FIRST LADY CARLA BRUNI-SARKOZI walks to the lectern and kicks the box out from under her husband, dropping him six inches to the ground, now eye level with her elbow, which she thrusts into his eye.)

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Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Harry 'Scoops' Hoops with Prez

This is courage. This is leadership. This is ballsy.

President Obama is going to hoop it up with all-time NBA great and crack ambush journalist, CBS's Harry Smith.

Obama (6-1) drives, pulls up, fires a jump shot from 22 feet. Smith (6-2), takes the initial head fake, and crashes face-first into the boards. Swish.

No free market make-it-take-it here, so Harry gets the ball out. He fakes right trips over his endoscope, which was left hanging after his recent live procedure. Obama makes the steal and dunks.

"Great pick Mr President. Great anticipation is the mark of a great presidency, isn't it," he says, reeling up his hose and moving to the free throw line.

"And great teamwork," the President says, dribbling left as wife Michelle quickly moves from under the basket and gives Harry a forearm to the spine.

"Ooooomph. I thought this was one-on-one?" wheezes Harry, crumpled on the court.

"I am the One," says the President. "And so is Michelle."

Obama pumps in 20 unanswered points, showcasing his soft touch, his fluidity, his game plan, his ability to go to either side, left or left.

"I give, I give Mr President," says a panting, exhausted Smith. "Thank you for your leadership and for giving us this in-depth interview. America is more informed because of it. Would you mind untangling the endoscope from my socks."

The President moves purposefully off the court. But first, he stands tall, proud, and smiles. He gazes into the distance, showing his magnificent profile to the adoring crowd. He is joined by Michelle, who has already changed into a sleeveless evening gown.

Later, as a spent Harry Smith sits on the locker room's wet wooden bench, he bends down to remove his socks, and out of the corner of his eye sees White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel rapidly approaching him, nude.

"Don't think we didn't notice you trying to trip up the President with that loaded question about socks, you freekin' muckraking *$*^%$%#!*!!," screams Rahm, menacing Smith with his Blackberry as he moves toward the showers.

Harry turns to his camera crew for his epic sign off.

"No one said journalism was easy. Or being a great, perhaps THE Greatest American President. Take it from me, Harry Hoops Smith."

And in his earpiece, he hears Katie Couric. "Harry, let's keep that footage of Rahm on file, the frontal bits, you know, for history's sake. And isn't it time you got rid of that endoscope?"


Monday, March 29, 2010

Top Secret visit by Obama

President Obama made a top secret visit to hostile territory at the weekend, speaking with soldiers and government leaders, who were asked to pass through metal detectors before the meetings.

President Obama's visit to heavily armed Dallas, a hub of Red State anti-government activity, was meant to counter criticism that he was "holed up" in Washington and that his strategy of appeasement with Texas had failed.

"I want to send a strong message that the partnership between the United States and Texas is going to continue. We have already seen progress with respect to security around the airport. There was only limited gunfire when we landed; most from hostiles and only an insignificant amount from within Air Force One," the President said during his "on the ground update".

Texas Gov Rick Perry, sneaking away from Tea Party events in 17 Texas cities, met briefly with President Obama at the heavily fortified Cowboys Stadium. White House officials described the meeting as "productive and mainly positive" with "go-forward nuances" balanced with "the realities of needing medical attention".

Word leaked out that at least one cowboy boot was hurled at the President's head, shattering a teleprompter. This could not be confirmed, but it was noted that Gov Perry was seen leaving the meeting "with one side taller than the other and a big smile on his face."

After numerous holes in Air Force One were repaired, and a sticker saying "Secede One" was removed from the cockpit window, President Obama flew to the relative safety of Afghanistan.


Saturday, March 27, 2010

North Korea threatens "unprecedented nuclear strikes". And we say...

Sir Charles Barkley:

"Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if he does look like he hasn't eaten in a while."

Winston Churchill (On Neville Chamberlain)

"He was given a choice between war and dishonor. He chose dishonor and he will have a war anyway."

Gen. George Patton:

"A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week."

Dirty Harry:

"Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy."

Ronald Reagan:

"Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines don't have that problem."

Duke Nukem:

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all outta bubble gum."

Dick Butkus:

"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important - like a league game or something."

Danko (Heroes):

"If you have a rabid dog, you don't put a chain around its neck and pray for a miracle. You put it down."

John Wayne:

"If everything isn't black and white, I say 'Why the hell not?'"


Friday, March 26, 2010

Darth Obama

A *poll of Republicans shows:

- almost a quarter think President Obama is the anti-christ

- 67% say he's a socialist

- 57% say he's a secret Muslim

- 99% think his wife could kick his butt

- 75% believe Elvis is still headlining in Las Vegas

- 91% shot holes in the pollsters' notepad when asked about gun control

- 97% believe Ronald Reagan was a "Founding Father who signed the Declaration of Independence" and invented the horse

- 131% believe Fox News is a religious broadcaster

* This poll was conducted at NRA meetings, Dallas Cowboys football games, in Sarah Palin's bedroom and on the planet Naboo.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Ringside with Republican firebrand Ann Coulter and President Obama

ANN COULTER: President Obama, I thought you were a radical, Muslim, socialist. I apologize, I was wrong. You are clearly a Canadian mind-controller at the University of Ottama, I mean Ottawa. What's a free speech girl to do? I should have shoved a stiletto heel up the Provost's A'Houle's.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In days and years to come, the Canadian people can stand tall, be proud, and recall this historic victory of right over wrong, of good over evil, of A'Houles over Ho'bitches.

ANN COULTER: Canada, the Democrats' Double-A Farm Team in the Liberal Socialist Pinko Girlie League, shut down free speech faster than Michelle Obama can snork down a $300 fancy French meal. Faster than she can slip into a $7,000 dress for a cover photo with Oprah. Faster than she can procure condoms for thousands of innocent young girls ...

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In 1000 years, historians, though clinical and taciturn by training, will shake their heads in awe at how America created a national healthcare plan, against all odds, that will stand throughout the ages - a testament to the greatness of freedom and power of the human spirit. Yes we can. And my wife could snap your scrawny bitch neck like a pencil.

ANN COULTER: I admire your wife's arms and stress that it's a total coincidence that she has the same fitness coach as Barry Bonds. I especially admire the sleeveless burqua she wore while fundraising for the Gay Lesbian Transgender Liberal Abortion Gun Control Cabal. She is such a role model.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: A billion galaxies away, democratic life forms are marveling at this day, when a portal into time and space was opened by courageous men and women of all races, who set aside political differences and turned their gaze upward to Allah, I mean, Heaven, and wondered, "was that Coulter slut the progeny of an Avatar and a Q-Tip or what?"...


Monday, March 22, 2010

Penis in the drawer

Sandra Bullock is every guy's sweetheart.

Erin Nordegren may be the most beautiful woman alive.

So of course Jesse James has apparently had an 11 month affair with a skank demon tattooed woman. And Tiger's wallered with the hogs - over a dozen, all white, all peroxide blonde bimbos.

It reminds me of Richard Pryor's classic bit about wives who keep their husband's penis in the drawer. "Honey, I was wondering, the guys are going fishing this weekend, and, you know, everyone's taking their penis... Can I take mine?"

Ain't gonna happen, Jesse and Tiger. Keep your hands in plain sight and move away from the drawer... Morons...


Sunday, March 21, 2010

Dis is Utopia?

To get rich, all I have to do is:

- start a website for less than $10 and generate HUGE traffic by using 17 incredible proven strategies that only cost $299, no wait, $199, no, $99, no just $10.99 today only!

- really, truly, emotionally believe I have TOO MUCH money instead of NOT BLOODY ENOUGH; then I'll start vibrating on the money frequency and the universe will provide it to me in actual bales.

- open my junk mail folder, buy cheap and wonderful penis pills, and I will be so HUGE that I'll become a wealthy legend if not a national park.

PT Barnum got it in one. There's a sucker born every minute.


Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ka-ching Tiger

The crowd at Augusta has old-money tact, so no-one will be screaming "Just do it, Cheetah, er... Tiger."

Or re-telling Tiger jokes (... Did you hear that Phil Mickelson called Erin Nordegren to ask for tips about beating Tiger...)

They'll be watching the greatest golfer of all time, along with a TV audience that will be in the BILLIONS - possibly the biggest audience of all times.

If at the end of the Masters tourney Tiger has not throttled anyone or shot in the 90s, and if it's true that his wife is living under the same roof, the value of Brand Tiger will be exponentially MORE than it was B.H. (before the ho's).

Americans love a fallen, wounded, recovering hero. Especially if he's the best.

Men will still love Tiger's game and will buy whatever he endorses. Probably few women will hate Tiger for what he's done, especially if he is sincere about trying to stay out of the rough, so to speak.

That means the sound of cash registers ringing will be echoing down the fairways at Augusta.

But if he falls again...


Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Birthday milestones, at least for me...

Sure, your 18th is a major. It lets you drink legally, for a change, and you can vote (which maybe explains Bush's election). It's the age of majority. I remember my brother-in-law saying you should get drunk and kick an old man's crutches out from under him the day before you turned 18 because you were still a kid and wouldn't be thrown in jail. (Says a lot about my brother-in-law, I know.)

It's 21 that's really always been the age of being a "grown-up." But it's lost in university days, and how can you be a grown up when you are still in school?

For a guy, 25 was a MAJOR birthday because your horrendous car insurance rates fell by half! Insurers believed by then you were through with being stupid for awhile (no more backing into poles, bending fenders trying to parallel park, kicking in the occasional car door).

By 30 you are married or, like I was, about to be.

At the big Four-0 the black balloons come out, and all the birthday cards are jokes about your life being over. Your career is ascending, and life's pressures are too.

At 50 you stop thinking about birthdays. There's no doubt that you're closer to your death than to your birth. Health problems are no longer on the horizon. The empty nest is getting closer. You're backing into poles again. Your career stopped being a career long ago. In fact, making a living at something you DON'T hate is increasingly hard.

Can't comment about future birthday milestones. But I note that the happiest people in New Zealand are in their early 70s.

Here's hoping...


Thursday, March 11, 2010

Enough already with the butt scopes

CBS' Harry Smith was all smiles (great drugs?) as his live colonoscopy was beamed to millions of viewers.

Somehow Harry was on his back, and the scope was stuck through the sheet at a strategic location. No idea about the geometry involved.

If having a probe shoved up his tailpipe wasn't enough fun, he also had the lovely Katie Couric gowned up and standing by his side "in the splash zone."

Any man getting a buttoscopy does NOT need Katie Couric in the "splash zone". It's OK to have Geraldo Rivera in the zone if there is likely to be MAJOR spray. But not Katie.

Hopefully Harry's butt-u-mentary will save lives. But it was nowhere near as entertaining as Dave Barry's column "A journey into my colon, and yours.

Men, get your butt scoped, and think of Dave Barry. Or Geraldo. But keep Katie out of it...


Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Simple dogs

We have two dogs - well, one almost-a-dog (Cassie the Shih Tzu) and one moosedawg (Buddy the 100-pound, half German Shepherd, half moose, bark-o-holic). Both are 77.

Like most septuagenarians, they have health issues.

Cassie, bless her heart, has crappy skin and has scratched and scratched since we inherited her 9 years ago (note: ALWAYS look a gift dog in the mouth). She has "wonky hips". And, like most in her ex-opthalmic breed, her buggy eyes are always a problem - she's going blind.

The ever-happy moosedawg (who is actually half Huntaway, a New Zealand stock dog bred to bark at sheep) has a huge growth on his keel. Like a tennis ball. The long-distance medical prognosis from a vet friend in the U.S. is "ugly and probably not harmful", but not safe to be whacked off at home by the family's medical professionals. Not going to pay the vet a thousand dollars to remove it from a 77- year-old dog. Figure I'll mount a fifth wheel on the growth if it gets much bigger.

But the point is this. These dogs have many health issues but they are happy. Really happy. Always. They don't complain. All they want to do is be with their pack. Taking a walk. Going for a ride. Getting a plate full of dog food. Reclining on the porch in the sun. Or racing around like a deranged beast after a bath. It's all BEEG fun.

At 54 myself, next week, I'm now willing to pay more attention to nature and to learn about the simple pleasures of life. Believe I'll go lie in the sun with my pack.


Monday, March 8, 2010

Boosting Boring Oscars

I've seen so many headlines about OTHER movie awards that I thought the Oscars were already over.

I'm bored. But I'll tune in if they:

o Give Alec Baldwin a telephone and let him get all likkered up before the show
o Give Sean Penn a large mallet to play 'Whack The Mole' with 100 paparazzi
o Spike pre-Oscar drinks with a Botox antidote, so we can watch tons of facial flab fall the floor.
o Gary Busey gets a megaphone to announce stars arriving on the red carpet, and Ryan Seacrest gets a Gary-sized taser, and many refills
o Afterward, all Oscar winners have to run a gauntlet made up of nominees who lost and who are armed with paintball guns, cream pies and Ryan's taser.

Now That's Entertainment...


Saturday, March 6, 2010

Simon Cowell Sorts Out North Korea, Obama

In New Zealand, our episodes are behind the US schedules. Last night we got the first of the girls' top-12 shows.

For the thousandth time, I was thinking thinking that Simon Cowell gets it, says it, and sorts it. His annoying black skin-tight shirts aside, the guy suffers no BS or fools.

Made me think how great it would be if he was Speaker of the House. Better, if he actually ran the country and had ultimate power - picture Singapore under Lee Kuan Yew. I can hear him...

To Nancy Pelossi: "If I'm being honest, I couldn't listen to what you were saying because I kept wondering if you would ever blink. Song choice is more important than face lifts."

To President Obama: "I found it a bit indulgent. 'Yes we can' may be a terrific campaign song, but, really, it's mindless toss. And you're too skinny for an important black man. How can we take you seriously for the long run."

To Iran and North Korea: "Let's get real. You have nukes. You are insane. You need to be stopped. You're going home..."

It would work, eh?


Thursday, March 4, 2010

The news comforts me yet...

- The young child who was allowed to direct traffic at JFK airport had ADULT SUPERVISION. No worries then, mate.

- All 5,000 of the nekkid Aussies photographed outside the Sydney Opera House now have their kit back on. Many of them should not even SHOWER in the nude. In the Outback. At night. Ever.

- That madcap Sasha Cohen won't be presenting at the Oscars. With time on his hands, maybe he could do his skits for a group with a bigger sense of humor, like the NRA. Or Iran.


Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Simple solutions are the best solutions

Winner of today's award for best email from the US:

Here's a solution to the controversy over full-body scanners at airports:

Develop and install booths that you can step into that will not X-ray you but, instead, detonate any explosive devices that you might have on or in your person.

This would be a win-win for everyone, and (since everyone would have to pass through these booths) there would not be any issues about race-, ethnic- or other profiling. Plus, there would be no need for an expensive trial. Justice would be quick and robust.

MY COMMENT - There simply has to be some application of this technology for use in presidential primaries.