Lady Gaga 7-day Scandal Forecast - Doing Everything Slutty Everywhere

Hyperbolic megastar Lady Gaga had a lazy weekend, leading at Lollapalooza, pipping Usain Bolt at the tape in Stockholm, holing out ahead of Tiger at Bridgestone, saving mankind by repelling the solar tsunami and hatching baby owlettes live at the Owl Box.

"I so wanted to sunbathe with Michelle Obama in Spain and expose my vagina on WikiLeaks, but I just couldn't tear myself away from the baby owls. I was in an egg myself once, and I still love to cover my Lady Bits with feathers."

Gaga's 7-day media forecast includes:

- birthing Motorola's new Droid 2 cellphone live on CNN and GagaNet (Parental discretion advised).

- leading a "save the penguins" global enviro-event live on the massive ice chunk that has broken away from Greenland, at Gaga's request.

- headlining the live re-enactment of Chelsea and Marc Clinton's wedding.

- visiting Hannah Montana tryouts in 50 states to coach 5- to 7-year old girls on make-up, underwear and being true to their own tri-sexuality.

- being appointed the new CEO of HP, and immediately announcing a new corporate policy on silicone top-ups and sexual harassment of men, women and owls.

- shockingly quitting HP to accept the role as White House Chief Adviser on Economics ("I believe that being true to yourself will turn our nation's economy around - that and miles of latex and my uber virginity").

- chairing the Iranian Revolutionary Council and launching her new line of see-through nuclear gaga-burqas.

- saving thousands of fans trapped by floods in Pakistan, and releasing her new "Pash me in Paki" CD.

- hosting the Academy Awards, Emmies, Razzies, Lezzies, Super Bowl, World Series and Nobel Peace Prize events.

- single handedly preventing the Earth from falling off its axis and ending life as we know it.

- bringing Michael Jackson back from the dead.

"I hope my fans can forgive me for taking it easy this week. Birthing the owls was so emotional that I need to recharge, which is why the sun is having another solar tsu-gaga-nami in my vagina."

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Killer Horror Solar Tsunami, Planned Iran War, Oklahoma Dirt Dooms Us All

If you can read this, it probably means you are not dead. Yet.

And that's surprising considering:

- the impending killer horror solar tsunami
- the impending killer horror nuclear war with Iran (or was it Iraq?)
- the impending killer horror EPA attack on Oklahoma's dirt.

Fox News wasn't clear at press time whether the killer horror solar tsunami was "something personal" between the sun and the Earth. But Fox quotes Leon Golub of the Harvard-Smithsonian Center for Astrophysics as saying, "This eruption is directed right at us and is expected to get here early in the day on Aug. 4".

The Sun's surface erupted early Sunday morning, "shooting a wall of ionized atoms directly at Earth". It was expected to create a geomagnetic storm and a spectacular light show - and it could pose a threat to satellites in orbit.

Or, according to Fox News, it could possibly be the end of all life as we know it.

Meanwhile, Pentagon officials, bogged down with two unwinable wars in the Middle East, are planning a third war in the Middle East. This one against Iran, or Iraq. Possibly both. We get confused.

No, it's definitely against IRAN. The one against IRAQ was because it was run by a lunatic suspected of having weapons of mass destruction, who killed his own people on a whim. IRAN, on the other hand, is run by many lunatics who will soon have nuclear bombs to use in jihad against the infidel West. And possibly to crack down on illegal parking in downtown Tehran.

Because Pentagon officials are not allowed to comment on pending nuclear wars, except to Rolling Stone, the Washington Times quotes a retired Air Force Lt. Gen., as saying the Pentagon's top secret war plan against Iraq (check that, no, it's definitely Iran), will rely heavily on:

- B-2 stealth bombers
- Cruise missiles
- a "velvet revolution" so "the Iranian people can take back their country."

However, speaking on Meet the Press, Adm. Mike Mullen, chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, would only confirm that America has a "plan" for attacking Iraq. Or Iran. Possibly both. "It is an important option, and it's one that's well understood. Mainly."

(Ed note: confirming whether it's also well understood who is about to be nuked: Iraq, Iran or possibly Oklahoma.)

A pending assault on Oklahoma, or more correctly, its dirt, will be lead by the EPA, who may or may not use stealth bombers, cruise missiles and killer horror solar tsunamis.

What's clear is that the Obama Administration is taking an aggressive, "can do", posture against Oklahoma and its dirt - technically "farm dust".

According to a July 23 saber-rattling letter to Oklahoma's farm dust (check that, the letter is TO the Environmental Protection Agency, FROM Oklahoma senators or possibly the farm dust's PR spokesperson): "If approved, this would establish the most stringent and unparalleled regulation of dust in our nation's history."

Obama Administration observers believe that after EPA's first strike against Oklahoma's farm dust, a "velvet underground" of Sooner fans would take back their country. Or possibly Iran.

In any case, we are doomed.

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