Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Hideous Bieber Fever Down Under

Photo: Justin Bieber, seen here in his limo.

We've had Swine Flu. The global economic meltdown. Underwear bombers. Icelandic volcanic ash.

And now there's Bieber Fever.

Hordes of pre-pubescent girls ran rogue in Australia yesterday, squealing with glee and frothing at the mouth because they'd sighted their heartthrob.

Now the millionaire saccharin-sweet Bieber dwarf has invaded New Zealand, which has only recently recovered from another evil wee creature from abroad.

But nothing has prepared the small antipodean country for Bieber, shown here, refusing to greet billions of girly fans "until his bottom was powdered and he was given his big boy pants," said a frustrated official.

"We understood why young girls lost their rag when the Fab Four came to New Zealand. But no-one can understand this insane infatuation with Bieber. I mean, for goodness sake, his career was only just conceived."

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Sunday, April 25, 2010

Where is the funny?

I have just spent an hour reading through "the best" humor blogs out there. I have not laughed once.

I have felt old. I have sighed several times. While there are cool looking designs in the blogosphere, I have not laughed once. Arg!

Bring out your dead (jokes) and let Monty Python take them away.

Which all makes me think there is hope. This blog is still on its training wheels, but it has had its moments already. Houston, we have had laughter.

The Good

Bieber Fever

BP Sucks

Secret Obama visit to hostiles

The 'bad'

No Nukes Obama

Ann Coulter Sez

The Ugly

Darth Obama

Sarkozy's White House Nipple Frenzy

Oprah and Volcano

Friday, April 23, 2010

Old Dead Guys - Blondes Luv ' Em

What is it with Old Dead Guys (ODG)?

Blondes just luv em. Look at CNN's Larry King (yeah, he's not technically dead, but still...).

ODG Larry, a real looker, has been married about 900 times, and is about to get divorced again. On a good day, the 76-year-old looks like a dead prune in suspenders. But blondes think he's suave - after all, he thinks Sarah Palin should pose nude for Playboy; and he's classy - he reportedly had an affair with the 45-year-old sister of his most recent 50-year-old wife.

Clearly ODG Larry is a scholar and a gentleman. But his manliness pales in comparison to ODG J. Howard Marshall II: occupation - dead oilman.

J. Howard married the one and only Anna Nicole Smith, Playmate of the Year 1993. They were immediately attracted to each other's, uhm, "assets", and the lovebirds were married three year's later. The ODG officially died in 1995, and forensic tests apparently showed his blood was almost 99% Polygrip and Viagra. They couldn't wipe the smile off his ODG face or shut the coffin lid.

But the creepiest ODG by miles has to be Hugh Hefner, who puts any TV vampire to shame. Hef's almost 300 years old. He's probably had sex with 10,000 women and most species of wildlife. Yet legions of blonde bombshells line up to bed his Hefness.

So what exactly attracts the bimbettes to ODGs? Suspenders? Toothlessness? Silk pyjamas?

Or is it that mothering nature of some blondes that makes them want to heal wounded men's souls, nourish their battered bodies, and be first in line when the ODG actually karks it and they can help tidy up the mess?

Old Dead Guys - Blondes just luv 'em.

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Monday, April 19, 2010

Oprah and volcano blow their stacks

Fox News has learned that the eruption of Iceland's Eyjafallajokull volcano is directly linked to enraged talk show host Oprah Winfrey.

Just before the volcano exploded, the billionaire broadcaster erupted herself over release of unauthorized biographer Kitty Kelley's latest book, 'Oprah'.

"Make no mistake, the events are linked. Both are dark, powerful and started spewing voluminous gases and vile ash into the air at the same time. And Oprah's name spelled backwards is Harpo (her production company), and Eyjafallajokull spelled backwards is Llukojallafajye, which is the most horrible word in our language," says Ejnskiier Kjjkjavik, a geophysicist and broadcast expert in Iceland.

Winfrey, according to unnamed sources, hopes the ash being belched into the skies will ground Kitty Kelley, and bury Kelley's allegations about lesbian affairs, false claims of sexual abuse, and that Winfrey and President Obama were actually conjoined twins, separated at birth.

And forensic photographic evidence shows the unquestionable relation between Winfrey and the volcano.

"Until Kelley's unauthorized bio of Oprah falls off the best-seller list, international air travel will be in chaos. When Oprah spews, she really spews. And this isn't skinny Oprah that spewed, this is the big one!"

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Saturday, April 17, 2010

Just buried Cassie

Well, we just buried Cassie.

She almost made it to 12, despite life-long eye, skin and hip problems.

About 3am she started screaming out in pain or fear. I assumed she must have caught her toenails in the carpet and sprained or popped out one of her wonky hips.

We loaded her up with the pain meds we keep in the fridge for when her hips hurt. But she still cried and shook until finally falling asleep next to my son. But her cries of anguish or pain started again as soon as she woke up at 8am.

What to do? We knew we could not spend another thousand dollars on her at the vet. That's what it cost to keep Ling Ling, the other Shih Tzu alive for a year even though her heart and lungs were worn out. And economic times being what they are...

Actually, it wasn't her hip. She'd had a major stroke. Just like Ling Ling, I guess Cassie was crying out in pain and because she was afraid. That's why she kept pushing herself into our laps, our scent, even though half her body was paralyzed. She needed comfort from her pack, the pack who had always made things better.

Thinking back, I suppose she must have had minor strokes over the last few weeks. That would explain her not being able to get up and down the stairs (we thought it was her hips, so we carried her); and her wandering around when she was outside to do her business, like she was lost or simply had forgotten what she was up to.

We held her at the vet as she got her injections, which was really hard, but then she was "still Cassie". Then we held her limp body in the backyard while preparing to bury her. When her head rolled, lifeless, the tears really came.

So, our sweet, smelly Cassie - the happiest, most forgiving dog we ever had - is gone. She's the fourth dog our immediate families have lost in the last three years - all between ages 11-16.

And now she's gone. Only Buddy the moosedawg is left, at age 12, and with a huge tumour on his belly.

The cycle of life continues. At times it's so sad.

Bye Cassie. We love you.

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Friday, April 16, 2010

Ginormous Sky Fireball: I'm just sayin'...


Is it just me, or did the ginormous fireball over several Midwestern states make you wonder whether:

- those pocket dictators in Iran and North Korea were showing off for "No Nukes Obama"?

- Des Moines' Tea Party extravaganza was receiving a sign of approval from above?

- NASA had gone a little over-the-top celebrating the 40th anniversary of Apollo 13's safe return?

- the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator thingee that was guaranteed not to create a black hole or time warp or end of the world solar firestorm just might have?

- Toyota's prototype spaceship had a slight problem with unintended acceleration?

- an old, dead, black man's voice was about to ask, "Tiger, did you learn anything?", followed by the planets and stars realigning to form a giant Nike Swoosh?

I'm just sayin...

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Friday, April 9, 2010

Emails to and from No Nukes Obama

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House:

"Just to confirm, American schoolboy, USA will no more use nuclear bombs against any country that has no nuclear bombs, yes? Not that we have any. But we will use them by the thousands to destroy you infidel dogs."

Response from the White House:

"That is correct. With the exceptions of North Korea and Iran, who are not cooperating with the international community on nonproliferation standards. Thank you for your email and have a wonderful day."

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House

"Iran certifies, hand on heart, to the international community that we are 100% cooperating on nonproliferation standards. Not that they are necessary in Iran, which is a peaceful country with no nukes. But we are ready to rain death on the world with untold nuclear savagery."

Email from North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to White House:

"As Dear Leader of the fourth largest standing army in the world, and by far the tallest and most handsome world leader, I pledge that North Korea agrees to cooperate fully on nonproliferation. And I note that our nuclear bombs, er, our peaceful nuclear medical research programs, should terrify the world."

Email from the White House to North Korea and Iran:

"Thank you so much for your email. We are gladdened that the world can now stand united, ready and able to boldly walk hand in hand into the peaceful rainbows of tomorrow. We promise not to nuke either of you, my dear, dear, equally tall and virile friends. Love, Barak."

Email from Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Kim Jong-Il:

"Can you believe this guy? Just proves that brains cannot operate in altitudes above 5-foot-7, ha. How's your 'nonproliferation' going? (nod nod wink wink)"

Email from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

"Our nonproliferation multi-stage treaties are now capable of reaching California and, with the addition of new, uhm, special wording, they will be able to crush the pink rose on President Obama's satin lapel."

From Chinese PM Hu Jintao to the White House:

"The People's Republic of China congratulates your peace initiative. We ask that your no-nuke-strike pledge be extended to China. We are a peaceful nuclear country, and we hold $889 billion in US treasury notes that we could call in at any moment. Not to mention our 20 new Boomer nuke subs."

From the White House to Chinese PM Hu:

"Of course. We have added our peaceful friends in China to the no-nuke-attack list. The omission was purely an oversight. And we are prepared to offer another $100billion in treasuries to China at a further 10% off, while supplies last, today only."

From Russian PM Vladimir Putin to the White House:

"I have no shirt on, being the world's buffest manly leader. I, too, am touched by your nuclear pledge. To further the cause of peace, Russia will allow the USA to store your entire nuclear arsenal on Soviet soil. Specifically, at Chernobyl, for obvious reasons. In this way, any aggressor would have to fire missiles at us, to destroy your nuclear weapons, keeping American's safe and free. It is the least we can do. Go the Blue Devils!"

From Chinese PM HU:

"We also are happy to store your nuclear weapons. We will just bulldoze some of the treasury notes out of the way."

From President Obama to PM Hu and President Putin:

"We are truly on the precipice of a new age, achieving things that were thought impossible only a generation ago. I'll talk to Rahm about sending you our nukes. I like the idea. I just won't be sending them in a Toyota, if you know what I mean! Those Japanese cars are dangerous!"

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Tuesday, April 6, 2010

A marathon waste of time

At a time when the average American weighs approximately the same as a small pony, how can the pox of jogging still infect America?

In two weeks, 25,000 runners of all ages will run the Boston Marathon. They will cumulatively have the same body fat as one chicken enchilada with sour cream.

To enter Boston, here are the cut-off times:

- Men 18-34, 3:10:00
- Men 50-54, 3:35:00
- Men 80plus 5:00:00

What a crazy waste.

There are FAR MORE PRODUCTIVE ways for a man aged 18-34 to use three hours of his life. For example, he could:

- Shear 95 sheep

- Drive from Oklahoma City to Wichita, Kansas (I'm sure SOMEONE would want to???)

- Watch the epic three hour "Inside Gilligan's Island: A Three Hour Tour of the Making of a Television Classic"

Now THAT's time will spent.