Friday, April 9, 2010

Emails to and from No Nukes Obama

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House:

"Just to confirm, American schoolboy, USA will no more use nuclear bombs against any country that has no nuclear bombs, yes? Not that we have any. But we will use them by the thousands to destroy you infidel dogs."

Response from the White House:

"That is correct. With the exceptions of North Korea and Iran, who are not cooperating with the international community on nonproliferation standards. Thank you for your email and have a wonderful day."

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House

"Iran certifies, hand on heart, to the international community that we are 100% cooperating on nonproliferation standards. Not that they are necessary in Iran, which is a peaceful country with no nukes. But we are ready to rain death on the world with untold nuclear savagery."

Email from North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to White House:

"As Dear Leader of the fourth largest standing army in the world, and by far the tallest and most handsome world leader, I pledge that North Korea agrees to cooperate fully on nonproliferation. And I note that our nuclear bombs, er, our peaceful nuclear medical research programs, should terrify the world."

Email from the White House to North Korea and Iran:

"Thank you so much for your email. We are gladdened that the world can now stand united, ready and able to boldly walk hand in hand into the peaceful rainbows of tomorrow. We promise not to nuke either of you, my dear, dear, equally tall and virile friends. Love, Barak."

Email from Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Kim Jong-Il:

"Can you believe this guy? Just proves that brains cannot operate in altitudes above 5-foot-7, ha. How's your 'nonproliferation' going? (nod nod wink wink)"

Email from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

"Our nonproliferation multi-stage treaties are now capable of reaching California and, with the addition of new, uhm, special wording, they will be able to crush the pink rose on President Obama's satin lapel."

From Chinese PM Hu Jintao to the White House:

"The People's Republic of China congratulates your peace initiative. We ask that your no-nuke-strike pledge be extended to China. We are a peaceful nuclear country, and we hold $889 billion in US treasury notes that we could call in at any moment. Not to mention our 20 new Boomer nuke subs."

From the White House to Chinese PM Hu:

"Of course. We have added our peaceful friends in China to the no-nuke-attack list. The omission was purely an oversight. And we are prepared to offer another $100billion in treasuries to China at a further 10% off, while supplies last, today only."

From Russian PM Vladimir Putin to the White House:

"I have no shirt on, being the world's buffest manly leader. I, too, am touched by your nuclear pledge. To further the cause of peace, Russia will allow the USA to store your entire nuclear arsenal on Soviet soil. Specifically, at Chernobyl, for obvious reasons. In this way, any aggressor would have to fire missiles at us, to destroy your nuclear weapons, keeping American's safe and free. It is the least we can do. Go the Blue Devils!"

From Chinese PM HU:

"We also are happy to store your nuclear weapons. We will just bulldoze some of the treasury notes out of the way."

From President Obama to PM Hu and President Putin:

"We are truly on the precipice of a new age, achieving things that were thought impossible only a generation ago. I'll talk to Rahm about sending you our nukes. I like the idea. I just won't be sending them in a Toyota, if you know what I mean! Those Japanese cars are dangerous!"

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