Gaga, Cher, Justin at Meat TV Awards

Let's see. What's in entertainment news?

Lady Gaga contracts hoof and mouth disease at MTV awards. She is featured in a meat dress that showcases her rump roast, and glams it up with armadillo high heels featuring 12-inch stilettos. Slaughterhouse meets road kill fashion. Yum.

Cher, at 64, wears the same Fredericks of Hollywood see-through black body stocking that she made infamous in 1989 when singing "If I Could Turn Back Time." She hugs Gaga's meat and boasts that ex-daughter-Chastity-turned-son Chaz recently had species re-assignment surgery and is fantastically happy as a newt.

Justin "Mini MTV" Bieber was keen to prove he's now a manly teenage stud muffin but entered wearing his Mommy's big ol'lady sunglasses. On stage he stood nearly as tall as Gaga's shoes and literally towered over his dance partners, who were specially recruited from Miss Muffet's preschool. Sadly, his carefully choreographed "Big Hunk Justin" branding campaign stumbled when Rihanna bitch slapped him backstage and he cried.

Jane Fonda, 72, not at MTV but saturating the airwaves nonetheless, is once again all Spandexed up. She's leading the nation's aging Baby Boomers into a new era of fitness, facelifts and flashy mobility scooters. Jane tried to get Gaga and Cher on her exercise video, but health officials worried that the raw meat and preservatives would react, sending the wrong message - Ewww - to health conscious seniors.

And critics say the internet is offensive...

Give Me Tornadoes Any Day

An earthquake just whacked Christchurch, which is New Zealand's second largest city, about 500 miles south of me. Thankfully, no casualties to report, but perhaps $2 billion in damage.

It all makes me think about relativity and Mother Nature.

Growing up in Oklahoma, we spent most fall and spring evenings with the television on, listening for the omnipresent boob boop boop tornado warning (e.g. "it could happen folks") and the occasional tornado alert (e.g. "some of ya'll about to get all kinds of blown away").

Since we heard the boop boop boop about eleventy hunnerd times every tornado season, tornado warnings were just part of the weather forecast: humid, fair to partly cloudy, with a high of 92 and a low of 74, with a 90% chance that some mobile home, somewhere in Oklahoma, is gonna get blowed away, but it's not near you so don't worry.

People who don't live with tornadoes seem to think they are like atom bombs, blowing up all over the place. Truth is, most tornadoes are small and stay in the clouds, never even touching down. But when they do touch down, you can be sure it will end up on the news: roll helicopter footage of the "path of destruction", the three twisted mobile homes on their sides, a pickup stuck in flood waters, and a fat woman saying "it sounded lock uh big ol' freight train."

And people outside of Tornado Alley would wonder: why do those stupid Okies live in a place where there are tornadoes? Most of the time, these comments were from smug Californians.

Note: California is the state that will drop into the Pacific Ocean when the Big One hits. Californians have never grasped that while you can outsmart a tornado - "run sideways to it", get in the truck and outrun it, join the poisonous snakes in the cellar - there is nowhere to run when an earthquake hits.

Thankfully, the earthquake that hit Christchurch was not deadly or the Big One, though it was plenty bad. And, thankfully, those of us in Auckland don't have to worry about earthquakes. Or tornadoes. Or killer floods for that matter.

We've got volcanoes.

It's all relative.

Try to relax - ignore the al-Qaeda girdle monkey terrorists

Feeling a bit on edge?

Not to worry. Have a warm cup of coco, put your feet up, and have a nice, relaxing read about current events. Then pack your guns and children in the sports utility vehicle and head to the bunker in South Dakota because of:

Monkeys.

The escalating arms race always worries us, so we twitched over this media headline - 'Are Taliban training monkeys to kill US troops?' and the photo of perhaps the ultimate guerrilla warrior. We broke out in a cold sweat when a likely al-Qaeda operative was caught smuggling 18 monkeys in a girdle.

If indeed the six-inch-long girdle monkeys were being trained by al-Qaeda, and if this captured operative is part of a force of, say, 10 million smugglers, key media speculate there are potentially 180 million terrorist monkeys in training at this very minute. Think of the potential carnage. And the banana shortage.

Gators

The global recession means that, tragically, even Hollywood A-listers (including Tom Cruise) don't have the money to buy alligator high heels. People in the illegal alligator farming business are dumping young alligators into the street. This alligator tsunami has already hit New York, Chicago, Brockton, MA, and the English Channel.

While the machine-gunning al-Qaeda girdle monkeys will clearly destroy the world, there are positive signs that the alligator tsunami may not. The Chicago alligator fled from an approaching duck (who may or may not have been armed... who knows what a duck is packing below the water line?). The London gator turned out to be a piece of wood which, while being far less lethal, still prompted the French to surrender.

Killer Zombi Ant Fungus

A fungus has taken over the bodies and minds of ants. Sure, this happened 48 million years ago. But if you need proof that the zombi ant fungus is still evolving and a direct threat to mankind, turn on any reality television show or visit the White House.

Imminent global nuclear war

Not satisfied with launching their strategic nuclear donkey, the Soviets are now providing fuel rods to Iran's Bushehr nuclear plant on the Persian Gulf.

Despite assurances from the US intelligence community that the Iranians are still at least a year away from being able to create a nuclear bomb, the United Nations Security Council has called an emergency session, the 900th one this month.

We will deliver more urgent end-of-the-world news when we arrive at your bunker in South Dakota. We'll leave as soon as we can get our next generation, ANTI al-Qaeda killer midget monkeys into our girdle. They may be our only chance to survive.

I'm Fabulously Rich! A Prominent Law Partner from Portugal Says So!

Finally, my ship has come in! I've struck gold! The rich relative died and I am IN THE WILL!

Well, actually, there isn't a Will, but that's why we're rich. Wahoo!

It took long enough. Everyone I know has already received millions from Publishers Clearing House or squillions from Nigerian bankers. I've seen their letters. But for me? Not a sausage. Until now!

I just received an official letter - posted, not emailed, it's so official - from Dan Ricardo, Ricardo & Associates, "Litigation & Corporate LLM", who is an expert in corporate and legal claims.

Dan Ricardo's client, miraculously, in total serendipity, deposited $32 million USD "at the vault of a financial institution here in Portugal." Alas, he or she left no Will at the time of his or her death (Interstate) in March 2007.

In a brilliant stroke of luck for me, and I quote exactly from Dan's official letter, "because of the international financial crises, allot of reform has been made within the Portuguese Financial system, this includes the new law on succession/claims which indicates a duration in which such inheritance could be tolerated."

Dan Ricardo, who is "legally equipped with all necessary information/documentations concerning this fund," is prepared to give me 40% of the $32 million USD), keep 40% for himself (fair is fair), and give 20% to a charity in Portugal. Or "your country"!

What a genuine, generous guy, is our Dan, Prominent Law Partner!

I know you are suspicious, thinking this is a Nigerian type scam. You are so cynical and so wrong. I'll give you four reasons.

First, Dan Ricardo is from Portugal (which was ranked 8th by FIFA and Coca-Cola following the World Cup), not from a corrupt backwater country like Nigeria (which was rated a lousy 30th by FIFA).

Second, those Nigerian scamsters always ask you to give THEM money before they give YOU money. Dan Ricardo, who I will remind you is a Prominent Law Partner with Ricardo & Associates (whose logo is the Scales of Justice), has not asked me for a bean.

Third, Dan Ricardo is willing to give $6.4 million USD of our shared fortune to charity, and he is not required to do that by Portugal's "allot of reform". He is just a humanitarian. (Muy bueno, Dan!)

Fourth, it is Dan Ricardo's "concern to demand (my) ultimate honesty, co-operation and confidentiality." And he means this, deeply, from the bottom of his heart. I can just tell.

As you would expect, Dan Ricardo, a Partner in a MAJOR Portuguese law firm (remember the Scales of Justice logo), is a busy man. He is presently in their Barcelona office. Immediately after I contact him by fax or email, he will advise "how this could be concluded". And, don't worry, he GUARANTEES that this process will be "executed under a legitimate arrangement that would legally protect (me) from any breach of law."

But wait, there's more!

Not only did Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner, send me ONE of these $32 million USD letters. He sent me TWO!

Even though neither has my name spelled exactly right -- in fact, the second one is addressed to someone in another city with another name -- Dan Ricardo has guaranteed this "legitimate arrangement". He has provided his contact numbers (Private Number +3519111 7238), office (+3493545317-Ext5), fax (+34 933 807 49 OR +34954 322 22) and his email addresses (ricdan585@yahoo.com or danric585@gmail.com.

How legit is that?

I know that my friends will all be toasting my incredible good fortune! I ask each of you to suggest which charities in Portugal or New Zealand should receive the $12.8 million USD (from two letters, remember).

And I would be willing to bet that Dan Ricardo, Prominent Law Partner that he is, would allow us to donate to charities in other countries as well. He probably would even be happy to talk to you, and keep your contact details on file, just in case one of your relatives should be his client, die (Interstate), and have no Will.

He's that kind of guy.

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BP Caps Well, But New Spews and Dog Poos Cause Blues

BP has successfully capped their leaking Gulf well, but spewing continues at a frightening rate on a range of other fronts.

More than 100 dogs, mainly Chihuahuas, were found in a Philadelphia home. Eyewitnesses said the floors were covered in nearly two feet of animal feces.
An investigation into the home began a year ago when neighbors complained of an overwhelming stench. City officials have condemned the home and deemed it uninhabitable.

In an unrelated dog-spewing incident, Rhode Island animal-control officers recently investigated a possible "pet hording" on Phebe Street. When a second story door was opened, the officers witnessed "a waterfall of dachshunds and Chihuahuas spilling down the stairs." About 50 dogs, all but three of them of small breeds, were living in the single-family house. The depth of dog poop on Phebe Street was not released.

Meanwhile, pollsters say American voters are suffering from "Obama-spew". The President trails Mitt Romney, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich, and is even tied with Sarah Palin. (It was not clear whether the President also trailed dachshunds and Chihuahuas.)

Palin-2-spew was being recorded in both Alaska and Hollywood, as First Mama Grizzly cub Bristol Palin announced her re-engagement to Levi Johnston. His claims to fame include impregnating teen-age Bristol and, after their ugly public split, posing for Playgirl magazine. As if this spew was not enough, rumors are circulating of a soon-to-be-announced reality TV show starring single teen mom Bristol and her Johnston.

Although vile, Palin-2-spew was not at press time considered a national emergency.

More worrying for the Obama Administration is a far more damaging "O-class" emergency - Oksana spew - which has choked the nation's airways and sewers with vile Melfluent for weeks, with no end to the spewage in sight.

Administration and BP officials are considering whether a second and third cap - similar to the 75-ton cap used successfully in the Gulf - could be placed over the mouths of Oksana and Mel Gibson. But most experts think their spew will renew, worse than the dog-poo-spew, Obama-spew and Palin-2-spew.

Ewwww.

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Oksana Leads Slimeball of the Year Race

We may have a photo-finish for Slimeball of the Year 2010, and what an amazing group of professional and amateur slimeballs have made it to the finals led by:

1) Oksana Grigorieva, 39, who has bedded, babied, and bushwhacked AlcoMel Gibson, all part of a strategical Soviet plan to send melmillions her way.

2) Aimee Sword, 36, Michigan mother of five-plus, who gave up her son at birth, tracked him down on Facebook when he was 14, and then repeatedly had sex with him.

3)Al Gore, seriously, is alleged to have "tried to stick his tongue down my throat" at a New Year's party, according to a female journalist. French kissing is not in itself slimeball. When attached to "Fat Algore, it is way slimy. Ew.

4) Tiger Woods, who cheated on his gorgeous wife and children with bimbos who all looked like this.

5)Jesse James, who would be even slimier than Tiger but, really, what do you expect from a man whose genes flow from this man.

6-10)Miley Cyrus dominates with five places in Slimeball of the Year's top 10, thanks to her strategic and relentless slimyness, including her lovely upskirt photo from the slimy Perez Hilton.

The "winner" of the 2010 Slimeball of the Year will be announced after your comments are tallied... Previous votes cast for Tiger and Jesse cannot be counted.


Click on 'comments' below and add your two cents!

We Will Not Stand for 'Man Heels'!

OK, we admit it. I speak for all men in admitting that, as men of the male gender, we have done a few bad things.

War, mullets and making toe lakes while standing up and peeing come to mind.

And 10 cent beer night, fart noises and golf.

OK, maybe add to the list large bore paintball guns, remote controls and really big breast implants.

We accept that women have grounds to feel some resentment toward men. Possibly even to retaliate a little.

So, as a gender, we men did not complain when our world was subjected to abuse or ridicule. No, we bit our tongues till they bled.

In our atonement, we, as men, publicly testified that having a baby is the WORST PAIN IN THE UNIVERSE - way worse than banging your thumb with a ball peen hammer, or even taking a fastball in the goolies (well, it's worse than the thumb banging thing, anyway).

So we've done our mea culpa. We've slept on the couch. We've eaten your Jenny Craig meals. (Lawsy lawsy lawsy).

But there is a point where female retribution against men must cease. Torture must stop.

Yet there is a dark brooding force surrounding us. This malevolent force is attempting to foist the most horrific torture on us that mankind has ever seen.

And we simply cannot stand for it. Our ankles just won't take it. Have mercy...

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Ginormous Sky Fireball: I'm just sayin'...

EYEWITNESS QUOTE: "IT WAS SOMETHING ALARMING TO ME. I'VE SEEN SHOOTING STARTS BUT I'VE NEVER SEEN SOMETHING JETTING ACROSS THE SKY WITH FLAMES SHOOTING OFF OF IT."

Is it just me, or did the ginormous fireball over several Midwestern states make you wonder whether:

- those pocket dictators in Iran and North Korea were showing off for "No Nukes Obama"?

- Des Moines' Tea Party extravaganza was receiving a sign of approval from above?

- NASA had gone a little over-the-top celebrating the 40th anniversary of Apollo 13's safe return?

- the Large Hadron Collider particle accelerator thingee that was guaranteed not to create a black hole or time warp or end of the world solar firestorm just might have?

- Toyota's prototype spaceship had a slight problem with unintended acceleration?

- an old, dead, black man's voice was about to ask, "Tiger, did you learn anything?", followed by the planets and stars realigning to form a giant Nike Swoosh?

I'm just sayin...

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Emails to and from No Nukes Obama

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House:

"Just to confirm, American schoolboy, USA will no more use nuclear bombs against any country that has no nuclear bombs, yes? Not that we have any. But we will use them by the thousands to destroy you infidel dogs."

Response from the White House:

"That is correct. With the exceptions of North Korea and Iran, who are not cooperating with the international community on nonproliferation standards. Thank you for your email and have a wonderful day."

Email from Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to White House

"Iran certifies, hand on heart, to the international community that we are 100% cooperating on nonproliferation standards. Not that they are necessary in Iran, which is a peaceful country with no nukes. But we are ready to rain death on the world with untold nuclear savagery."

Email from North Korea's Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to White House:

"As Dear Leader of the fourth largest standing army in the world, and by far the tallest and most handsome world leader, I pledge that North Korea agrees to cooperate fully on nonproliferation. And I note that our nuclear bombs, er, our peaceful nuclear medical research programs, should terrify the world."

Email from the White House to North Korea and Iran:

"Thank you so much for your email. We are gladdened that the world can now stand united, ready and able to boldly walk hand in hand into the peaceful rainbows of tomorrow. We promise not to nuke either of you, my dear, dear, equally tall and virile friends. Love, Barak."

Email from Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Kim Jong-Il:

"Can you believe this guy? Just proves that brains cannot operate in altitudes above 5-foot-7, ha. How's your 'nonproliferation' going? (nod nod wink wink)"

Email from Dear Leader Kim Jong-Il to Iran's Mahmoud Ahmadinejad:

"Our nonproliferation multi-stage treaties are now capable of reaching California and, with the addition of new, uhm, special wording, they will be able to crush the pink rose on President Obama's satin lapel."

From Chinese PM Hu Jintao to the White House:

"The People's Republic of China congratulates your peace initiative. We ask that your no-nuke-strike pledge be extended to China. We are a peaceful nuclear country, and we hold $889 billion in US treasury notes that we could call in at any moment. Not to mention our 20 new Boomer nuke subs."

From the White House to Chinese PM Hu:

"Of course. We have added our peaceful friends in China to the no-nuke-attack list. The omission was purely an oversight. And we are prepared to offer another $100billion in treasuries to China at a further 10% off, while supplies last, today only."

From Russian PM Vladimir Putin to the White House:

"I have no shirt on, being the world's buffest manly leader. I, too, am touched by your nuclear pledge. To further the cause of peace, Russia will allow the USA to store your entire nuclear arsenal on Soviet soil. Specifically, at Chernobyl, for obvious reasons. In this way, any aggressor would have to fire missiles at us, to destroy your nuclear weapons, keeping American's safe and free. It is the least we can do. Go the Blue Devils!"

From Chinese PM HU:

"We also are happy to store your nuclear weapons. We will just bulldoze some of the treasury notes out of the way."

From President Obama to PM Hu and President Putin:

"We are truly on the precipice of a new age, achieving things that were thought impossible only a generation ago. I'll talk to Rahm about sending you our nukes. I like the idea. I just won't be sending them in a Toyota, if you know what I mean! Those Japanese cars are dangerous!"

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Sarkozy's nipple frenzy at White House

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the media. Presidents Obama and Sarkozy have completed their prepared statements. As agreed, they will now take media questions."

FOX NEWS:

"President Obama, I noticed at the State dinner that President Sarkozy very much enjoyed dancing with the First Lady. I have to say their height difference caused, uhm, a titter amongst some journalists. Do either of you have any comment?"



PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Next question..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY:

(After a translation from his staff member, which included hand gestures of pinching nipples, a now very alert French President says) "Yes, very much is true. The President and I see eye-to-eye on many things, including Iran. But I much prefer making eye contact with the lovely First Lady. As President Berlusconi says, 'badda bing'.

(More snickers from the press corp, as the White House Spokesman tries to regain control, but not before Sarkozy, on his tip-toes, can add...)

"And I theenk the First Lady appreciates being with a true Frenchman who talks softly and carries his beeg stick, if you know what I mean."

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Any other questions, on IRAN?"

FOX NEWS

"Follow up question. President Sarkozy, would you or Tom Cruise be the bigger ladies man, at least in the eyes of Michelle Obama?"

(CNN's pin-striped correspondent angrily elbows FOX, as howls of laughter erupt)

(The translator leaps backwards, onto the couch, Tom-Cruise-on-Oprah style, makes a nipple-pinching gesture, and looks adoringly at Mrs Obama, who has walked into the press conference arm-in-arm with Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.)

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"With utmost respect to Mr Cruise, I would, shall we say, have the Top Gun."

(Sarkozy winks at Michelle Obama. All media, except CNN and the New York Times, fall on the floor laughing... President Obama, slightly red faced, turns to his French counterpart...)

PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Perhaps the President would comment on what his lovely First Lady was wearing last night. A fashion editor admired her dress' startlingly deep neckline..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"Peuff (he says, with an expression of disdain). The entire world has seen my wife's cleavages, even her own two buttocks. Thees is old news. But as to Mrs Obama's fit and athletic First nipples..."

(FIRST LADY CARLA BRUNI-SARKOZI walks to the lectern and kicks the box out from under her husband, dropping him six inches to the ground, now eye level with her elbow, which she thrusts into his eye.)

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Harry 'Scoops' Hoops with Prez

This is courage. This is leadership. This is ballsy.

President Obama is going to hoop it up with all-time NBA great and crack ambush journalist, CBS's Harry Smith.

Obama (6-1) drives, pulls up, fires a jump shot from 22 feet. Smith (6-2), takes the initial head fake, and crashes face-first into the boards. Swish.

No free market make-it-take-it here, so Harry gets the ball out. He fakes right trips over his endoscope, which was left hanging after his recent live procedure. Obama makes the steal and dunks.

"Great pick Mr President. Great anticipation is the mark of a great presidency, isn't it," he says, reeling up his hose and moving to the free throw line.

"And great teamwork," the President says, dribbling left as wife Michelle quickly moves from under the basket and gives Harry a forearm to the spine.

"Ooooomph. I thought this was one-on-one?" wheezes Harry, crumpled on the court.

"I am the One," says the President. "And so is Michelle."

Obama pumps in 20 unanswered points, showcasing his soft touch, his fluidity, his game plan, his ability to go to either side, left or left.

"I give, I give Mr President," says a panting, exhausted Smith. "Thank you for your leadership and for giving us this in-depth interview. America is more informed because of it. Would you mind untangling the endoscope from my socks."

The President moves purposefully off the court. But first, he stands tall, proud, and smiles. He gazes into the distance, showing his magnificent profile to the adoring crowd. He is joined by Michelle, who has already changed into a sleeveless evening gown.

Later, as a spent Harry Smith sits on the locker room's wet wooden bench, he bends down to remove his socks, and out of the corner of his eye sees White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel rapidly approaching him, nude.

"Don't think we didn't notice you trying to trip up the President with that loaded question about socks, you freekin' muckraking *$*^%$%#!*!!," screams Rahm, menacing Smith with his Blackberry as he moves toward the showers.

Harry turns to his camera crew for his epic sign off.

"No one said journalism was easy. Or being a great, perhaps THE Greatest American President. Take it from me, Harry Hoops Smith."

And in his earpiece, he hears Katie Couric. "Harry, let's keep that footage of Rahm on file, the frontal bits, you know, for history's sake. And isn't it time you got rid of that endoscope?"

North Korea threatens "unprecedented nuclear strikes". And we say...

Sir Charles Barkley:

"Somebody hits me, I'm going to hit him back. Even if he does look like he hasn't eaten in a while."

Winston Churchill (On Neville Chamberlain)

"He was given a choice between war and dishonor. He chose dishonor and he will have a war anyway."

Gen. George Patton:

"A good plan violently executed now is better than a perfect plan executed next week."

Dirty Harry:

"Well, when an adult male is chasing a female with intent to commit rape, I shoot the bastard. That's my policy."

Ronald Reagan:

"Some people live an entire lifetime and wonder if they have ever made a difference in the world, but the Marines don't have that problem."

Duke Nukem:

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum... and I'm all outta bubble gum."

Dick Butkus:

"I wouldn't ever set out to hurt anyone deliberately unless it was, you know, important - like a league game or something."

Danko (Heroes):

"If you have a rabid dog, you don't put a chain around its neck and pray for a miracle. You put it down."

John Wayne:

"If everything isn't black and white, I say 'Why the hell not?'"

Ringside with Republican firebrand Ann Coulter and President Obama

ANN COULTER: President Obama, I thought you were a radical, Muslim, socialist. I apologize, I was wrong. You are clearly a Canadian mind-controller at the University of Ottama, I mean Ottawa. What's a free speech girl to do? I should have shoved a stiletto heel up the Provost's A'Houle's.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In days and years to come, the Canadian people can stand tall, be proud, and recall this historic victory of right over wrong, of good over evil, of A'Houles over Ho'bitches.

ANN COULTER: Canada, the Democrats' Double-A Farm Team in the Liberal Socialist Pinko Girlie League, shut down free speech faster than Michelle Obama can snork down a $300 fancy French meal. Faster than she can slip into a $7,000 dress for a cover photo with Oprah. Faster than she can procure condoms for thousands of innocent young girls ...

PRESIDENT OBAMA: In 1000 years, historians, though clinical and taciturn by training, will shake their heads in awe at how America created a national healthcare plan, against all odds, that will stand throughout the ages - a testament to the greatness of freedom and power of the human spirit. Yes we can. And my wife could snap your scrawny bitch neck like a pencil.

ANN COULTER: I admire your wife's arms and stress that it's a total coincidence that she has the same fitness coach as Barry Bonds. I especially admire the sleeveless burqua she wore while fundraising for the Gay Lesbian Transgender Liberal Abortion Gun Control Cabal. She is such a role model.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: A billion galaxies away, democratic life forms are marveling at this day, when a portal into time and space was opened by courageous men and women of all races, who set aside political differences and turned their gaze upward to Allah, I mean, Heaven, and wondered, "was that Coulter slut the progeny of an Avatar and a Q-Tip or what?"...

Birthday milestones, at least for me...

Sure, your 18th is a major. It lets you drink legally, for a change, and you can vote (which maybe explains Bush's election). It's the age of majority. I remember my brother-in-law saying you should get drunk and kick an old man's crutches out from under him the day before you turned 18 because you were still a kid and wouldn't be thrown in jail. (Says a lot about my brother-in-law, I know.)

It's 21 that's really always been the age of being a "grown-up." But it's lost in university days, and how can you be a grown up when you are still in school?

For a guy, 25 was a MAJOR birthday because your horrendous car insurance rates fell by half! Insurers believed by then you were through with being stupid for awhile (no more backing into poles, bending fenders trying to parallel park, kicking in the occasional car door).

By 30 you are married or, like I was, about to be.

At the big Four-0 the black balloons come out, and all the birthday cards are jokes about your life being over. Your career is ascending, and life's pressures are too.

At 50 you stop thinking about birthdays. There's no doubt that you're closer to your death than to your birth. Health problems are no longer on the horizon. The empty nest is getting closer. You're backing into poles again. Your career stopped being a career long ago. In fact, making a living at something you DON'T hate is increasingly hard.

Can't comment about future birthday milestones. But I note that the happiest people in New Zealand are in their early 70s.

Here's hoping...

Simon Cowell Sorts Out North Korea, Obama

In New Zealand, our episodes are behind the US schedules. Last night we got the first of the girls' top-12 shows.

For the thousandth time, I was thinking thinking that Simon Cowell gets it, says it, and sorts it. His annoying black skin-tight shirts aside, the guy suffers no BS or fools.

Made me think how great it would be if he was Speaker of the House. Better, if he actually ran the country and had ultimate power - picture Singapore under Lee Kuan Yew. I can hear him...

To Nancy Pelossi: "If I'm being honest, I couldn't listen to what you were saying because I kept wondering if you would ever blink. Song choice is more important than face lifts."

To President Obama: "I found it a bit indulgent. 'Yes we can' may be a terrific campaign song, but, really, it's mindless toss. And you're too skinny for an important black man. How can we take you seriously for the long run."

To Iran and North Korea: "Let's get real. You have nukes. You are insane. You need to be stopped. You're going home..."

It would work, eh?

Toyota creates employment bounce

At least one commentator says unemployment will "significantly drop" when quarterly statistics are released.

Some 1.2 million previously idle lawyers and BMW salesmen are now working thanks to class action lawsuits being prepared in all 51 states, including Canada, against the world's leading automaker.

"We are shocked and deeply concerned because of the potentially squazillions of deaths and tragic injuries (real and imagined) to all people (real and imaginary) who have owned, rented, or possibly walked past a Toyota in their current or past lives. Mere proximity to these vehicles could leave lifelong physical and psychological scars (and passive income streams) to virtually any tragic-looking or really cute Americans (living and dead, with the possible exception of Tiger Woods). Our team of skilled litigators are working round the clock (when they are not sacking groceries in their day jobs) to protect the rights of all injured Americans and ensure they get what they deserve.

A spokesman for Government Motors declined to comment, saying only: "We take no joy in this sad chapter on Japan. It's not like the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. And we simply don't believe reports that all Toyotas ever made were lined with asbestos, plutonium and trans fats. We're not so sure, though, about Toyotas being linked to impotence, baldness and making women's butts look really big. Buyer beware."