Wrinkles Offer No Protection Against Crime or STDs. Ewwww.

We are pleased to report that the world's oldest woman (no, not Joan Rivers) has just turned 130 in the Soviet Republic of Georgia.

But we feel obligated to warn Antisa Khvichava that her health and longevity could be at risk because many of her fellow senior citizens are simply behaving badly.

Take John "Sonny" Franzese for example.

Sonny, 93, was convicted last week in New York of racketeering and conspiracy. Never mind that he was nicknamed "Nod Father" by the Daily News because he kept falling asleep during his trial. The court heard that he shook down strip clubs and pizzerias, was once a friend of Frank "Currently Dead But Still the Greatest" Sinatra and had a stake in the classic porn film "Death Throat".

We don't know whether Sonny also likes to shake down the ladies. But cases of STDs are exploding amongst the senior set, thanks to the tidal wave of Viagra drugs and an epidemic of unprotected, and very wrinkled, senior sex.

Ewwww.

A disturbing Reuters news report - which actually uses "annals", "swelling" and "up" in a story about senior citizens and STDs - warns that the number of new cases of STDs per 10,000 men over age 40 was up almost 50% since 1996.

Dr. Anupam B. Jena of Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston, who led this study, says that older men on erectile dysfunction drugs are twice as likely to contract an STD as older men who didn't take them (the "limp noodle" control group).

We can have great confidence in Dr Jena's expertise in this area because the letters in her name can be re-arranged to spell "Aha Jab Men Up" and "Pajama Bun Eh".

Clearly, the number of sexy seniors likely to rise (HAR) to 130 years old will drop off (HAR) if this wanton sexual behavior continues.

Are you listening Larry King? Ewwww.

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Old Dead Guys - Blondes Luv ' Em

What is it with Old Dead Guys (ODG)?

Blondes just luv em. Look at CNN's Larry King (yeah, he's not technically dead, but still...).

ODG Larry, a real looker, has been married about 900 times, and is about to get divorced again. On a good day, the 76-year-old looks like a dead prune in suspenders. But blondes think he's suave - after all, he thinks Sarah Palin should pose nude for Playboy; and he's classy - he reportedly had an affair with the 45-year-old sister of his most recent 50-year-old wife.

Clearly ODG Larry is a scholar and a gentleman. But his manliness pales in comparison to ODG J. Howard Marshall II: occupation - dead oilman.

J. Howard married the one and only Anna Nicole Smith, Playmate of the Year 1993. They were immediately attracted to each other's, uhm, "assets", and the lovebirds were married three year's later. The ODG officially died in 1995, and forensic tests apparently showed his blood was almost 99% Polygrip and Viagra. They couldn't wipe the smile off his ODG face or shut the coffin lid.

But the creepiest ODG by miles has to be Hugh Hefner, who puts any TV vampire to shame. Hef's almost 300 years old. He's probably had sex with 10,000 women and most species of wildlife. Yet legions of blonde bombshells line up to bed his Hefness.

So what exactly attracts the bimbettes to ODGs? Suspenders? Toothlessness? Silk pyjamas?

Or is it that mothering nature of some blondes that makes them want to heal wounded men's souls, nourish their battered bodies, and be first in line when the ODG actually karks it and they can help tidy up the mess?

Old Dead Guys - Blondes just luv 'em.

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