Top 10 Picks for New American Idol Judge

Ellen has danced off the Idol stage, and JLo's booty has entered. But who's to replace Simon Cowell? Hollywood bookies say the top 10 contenders are:

1) Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. As imminently likable as Cowell, and certain to boost voting when he calls Muslim tweenies to text jihad.

2) Geraldo Rivera. His ego dwarfs Cowell's although that, like quantuum physics, is impossible to grasp.

3) Tiger Woods. It's not like his golf game is on fire. And he has a thing for JLo booty types.

4) Al Gore. Making Idol "sustainable" is a major challenge. Mr "An Inconvenient Truth" has the greenest credentials and he reportedly has quite a following amongst the massage community.

5) Ousted Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich. Many Cowell-like qualities. Impressive Hair? Check. Jerk factor? At least a 10. But large question mark over Blago's availability, pending sentencing.

6) Dog the Bounty Hunter. He, and his missus, yowza, are the only contenders with bigger pecs than Cowell.

7) Steve Jobs. A very strategic dark horse (dressed in black...dark horse...get it? har). He makes a slight tweak to iPad and iPhone software and, voila, 100 billion iDol votes are cast each week and squillions more iSongs are downloaded.

8) Michael Jackson. Say what you will, but he's never been bigger. And even in his present condition (technically: dead), he'll be as helpful as Randy Jackson. Know what I'm saying, dawg?

9) Simon Cowell Jr. There is a strong rumor that Simon had a love child with himself.

10) Chelsea Clinton. A long shot, but consider: her Father has a long history with teenage girls, Idol's core demographic. Ewwww.

And your personal nominees are..............


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Black Man or iMan in Black? Jobs Beats Obama

Barack Obama is a tall, thin, black man who controls our nukes. Steve Jobs is a tall, thin man in black who controls our iToys.

Obama is thin because the job is eating his liver. Jobs is thin because he kicked the hell out of pancreatic cancer and then got a new liver as well.

Why does the skinny, black man with the nukes wield less power than the skinny man in black with the iToys? Let's review a few case studies.

Issue: BP destroys the Gulf's economy.

Action: President Obama teleprompts hither and thither, eventually touches a wad of black goo on the beach and looks slightly miffed, then goes all Dirty Harry (lite) about "whose ass to kick."


Issue: An Apple staff member says the iPad or iPhone or iAnything will ship 10 seconds late.

Action: Steve Jobs eats his liver, burns his home, and sells his wife and children into slavery. Oddly, all iToys are shipped on time.


Issue: Those pesky Iranians keep developing their own nukes, thumbing their noses at the UN and the U.S.

Action: The UN has a really looooong meeting. President Obama gives a loooong speech and then goes to a concert, staying "involved and in charge" via his Blackberry. (Meanwhile, Israel is scrambling nuke-laden fighters toward Iran in 5, 4, 3...)


Issue: At least 114,000 i-Pad owners, including White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel, have their information compromised, thanks to AT&T.

Obama action: He texts Rahm: "At least my Blackberry is secure. LOL."

Jobs action: AT&T becomes known as "A", as Steve Jobs rips its T&T to shreds with his teeth. Unsatisfied, he i-diverts Israeli jets to headquarters of the former AT&T, which now looks like downtown Baghdad, but with more holes and sand.


Summary

Being black, or wearing black, is not the deal. Being i-smarter, i-ballsier and eating the occasional liver is what power is all about.

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