Nancy Pelosi Lesbian Kiss On Oprah

PR Strategist: Madam Speaker, we need to look at your popularity ratings. They've never been good, but they are officially in the toilet.

Nancy Pelosi: How bad?

PR: Well, with an aggressive PR campaign, we might get you above BP and Kim Jong-il, but you'd still trail Hitler and George Bush.

Pelosi: Behind Dubya??? What can we do?

PR: How do you feel about kissing? In public?

Pelosi: You want me to lay one on my husband? Like Al Gore did on Tipper? That wasn't what I'd call a freeking success.

PR: We weren't thinking about your husband.

Pelosi: Who then? Surely you don't want me to kiss the President?

PR: Oh no, no, no.

Pelosi: Good, because that would really be pandering.

PR: We were thinking Michelle.

Pelosi: The First Lady! Are you crazy?

PR: Think Miley Cyrus. Sandra Bullock. Scarlett Johansson. Britney Spears.

Pelosi: What have those sluts got to do with me and the First Lady?

PR: They did 'girl kisses' and the scandals got enormous media coverage. We think you'd get a huge ratings bump in Blue States. And think about the Red States. The Teabaggers would go crazy.

Pelosi: They'd spew, wouldn't they? OK, it's worth discussing. But why snog the First Lady? Why not some other powerful woman.

PR: Like who?

Pelosi: Elena Kagan? After she gets confirmed.

PR: Too old.

Pelosi: The German Chancellor. What's her name?

PR: Angela Merkel. Too ugly.

Pelosi: (cringing) . Thank heavens. What about Cher or Hillary or, hey, what about Sarah Palin? I could slip her a little tongue after one of her soccer Mom speeches. The Red States would secede!

PR: All good ideas, Madam Speaker. But our polling is clear. You have to girl kiss the First Lady to improve your popularity, and way before the mid-term elections.

Pelosi: She and the President are OK with this?

PR: They are Democrats. They'll do whatever helps the party. And keeps Hillary on a leash.

Pelosi: Of course. So, where do we kiss?

PR: On the lips. This is for prime time news.

Pelosi: No, what's the VENUE?

PR: Oprah.

Pelosi: I've read Kitty Kelley's book. What if Oprah gets all excited?

PR: No, that would be too much ... even for the Blue States.

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Sarkozy's nipple frenzy at White House

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen of the media. Presidents Obama and Sarkozy have completed their prepared statements. As agreed, they will now take media questions."

FOX NEWS:

"President Obama, I noticed at the State dinner that President Sarkozy very much enjoyed dancing with the First Lady. I have to say their height difference caused, uhm, a titter amongst some journalists. Do either of you have any comment?"



PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Next question..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY:

(After a translation from his staff member, which included hand gestures of pinching nipples, a now very alert French President says) "Yes, very much is true. The President and I see eye-to-eye on many things, including Iran. But I much prefer making eye contact with the lovely First Lady. As President Berlusconi says, 'badda bing'.

(More snickers from the press corp, as the White House Spokesman tries to regain control, but not before Sarkozy, on his tip-toes, can add...)

"And I theenk the First Lady appreciates being with a true Frenchman who talks softly and carries his beeg stick, if you know what I mean."

WHITE HOUSE SPOKESMAN:

"Any other questions, on IRAN?"

FOX NEWS

"Follow up question. President Sarkozy, would you or Tom Cruise be the bigger ladies man, at least in the eyes of Michelle Obama?"

(CNN's pin-striped correspondent angrily elbows FOX, as howls of laughter erupt)

(The translator leaps backwards, onto the couch, Tom-Cruise-on-Oprah style, makes a nipple-pinching gesture, and looks adoringly at Mrs Obama, who has walked into the press conference arm-in-arm with Carla Bruni-Sarkozy.)

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"With utmost respect to Mr Cruise, I would, shall we say, have the Top Gun."

(Sarkozy winks at Michelle Obama. All media, except CNN and the New York Times, fall on the floor laughing... President Obama, slightly red faced, turns to his French counterpart...)

PRESIDENT OBAMA:

"Perhaps the President would comment on what his lovely First Lady was wearing last night. A fashion editor admired her dress' startlingly deep neckline..."

PRESIDENT SARKOZY

"Peuff (he says, with an expression of disdain). The entire world has seen my wife's cleavages, even her own two buttocks. Thees is old news. But as to Mrs Obama's fit and athletic First nipples..."

(FIRST LADY CARLA BRUNI-SARKOZI walks to the lectern and kicks the box out from under her husband, dropping him six inches to the ground, now eye level with her elbow, which she thrusts into his eye.)

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