Some 1.2 million previously idle lawyers and BMW salesmen are now working thanks to class action lawsuits being prepared in all 51 states, including Canada, against the world's leading automaker.
"We are shocked and deeply concerned because of the potentially squazillions of deaths and tragic injuries (real and imagined) to all people (real and imaginary) who have owned, rented, or possibly walked past a Toyota in their current or past lives. Mere proximity to these vehicles could leave lifelong physical and psychological scars (and passive income streams) to virtually any tragic-looking or really cute Americans (living and dead, with the possible exception of Tiger Woods). Our team of skilled litigators are working round the clock (when they are not sacking groceries in their day jobs) to protect the rights of all injured Americans and ensure they get what they deserve.
A spokesman for Government Motors declined to comment, saying only: "We take no joy in this sad chapter on Japan. It's not like the sneak attack on Pearl Harbor. And we simply don't believe reports that all Toyotas ever made were lined with asbestos, plutonium and trans fats. We're not so sure, though, about Toyotas being linked to impotence, baldness and making women's butts look really big. Buyer beware."
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