Sunday, June 27, 2010

Exfoliating Scrotum Flea Seeds

I couldn't resist trying it again, even though I harshly criticized my wife's expensive kiwifruit exfoliating body wash.

It comes in a pump bottle showcasing its "Health Basics" brand, natural green color and 900 billion floating black kiwifruit seed looking things, which I assume are the natural exfoliators.

In the weeks since I shunned this lovely wife-purchased product, my son and I have gone back to a plain old bar of soap, which cost about 50 cents. In three weeks, we have hardly put a dent in the soap, except on one corner, and that's because I dropped it. In the same time period, my wife, who has had exclusive use of the exfoliating body wash, has used about an inch, or $9's, worth.

Sure, my wife looks gorgeous and her skin is as smooth as a newborn baby's. But that's because she has great genes and she uses $9,000 worth of other beauty products every day. I do NOT for a minute attribute this to the kiwifruit exfoliation product.

In my previous blog post, I suggested that the 900 billion floating black kiwifruit seed things were possibly not seeds at all, but recycled dead fleas. I do not have an electron microscope to confirm this hypothesis, but look at the logic.

Until recently, we had three dogs. To quote Churchill (if he'd had a flea infestation), "We fought them on the beaches. We fought them on the landing grounds. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets, in the bedrooms and in the den. We shall never surrender!" This Churchillian spirit, $100 worth of nuclear chemicals, and significant hand to hand combat eventually beat back the fleas last year. We killed billions. And they looked JUST LIKE these exfoliation things. And we're just one family. What happened to the other zillions of dead fleas?

So anyway, today I am again soaking in a boiling hot bathtub. I am trying to regain limited motion in my neck and back, which froze up after a tree-pruning incident. And with my neck stuck at this particular angle, I find myself staring right at the exfoliating body wash.

It looks so pleasant, so environmentally friendly, so au naturel. It beckons me. So I try a tiny bit on my shin, just to see what the dead fleas will do to human flesh. Truthfully, it isn't much worse than sand from the beach. But that's on my shin.

For the life of me, I cannot understand why any man would risk using this stuff, excuse me for being graphic, down there in the Johnson region. These dead flea things are tiny, and there are billions of them. Water seeps into any, uhm, shall we say cavity. So you just know these seeds would, too. And then what?

Sure, if you knew the flea/seeds would go in and then come out again at Gatling gun like force, every guy on the planet would want this stuff. We'd sell our playoff tickets to get it. Beer up and then go blast your name on the wall, or strafe the snow or a slow-moving pet. Now THAT would be value for money.

But I read the small print on the bottle, and there is NO guarantee that once the flea/seed things go in, they will come out again. Gently. REALLY GENTLY. Without inflicting any flea bites. Or, if the exfoliators really are kiwi seeds, without taking root and eventually growing actual kiwifruit vines in the Johnson area.

Even if you've served in combat, just thinking about the potential collateral damage makes your eyes tear up.

Click on 'comments' below and add your two cents!


1 comment:

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