Sunday, June 20, 2010


Our PR people advise:

1) Not to say "small people" when referring to poor uneducated Americans. (Note: In America, "small people" are dwarfs and midgets. Quite amusing...)

2) Not to be seen having fun or being at all happy. Most especially this means not to have fun at yacht races. Don't ask me why. It's a PR thing. (Note: ask my shipbuilder if oil spill could harm "Bob's" new racing hull.)

3) Make sure flowers and minibar are refreshed in Rahm Emanuel's Washington D.C. apartment - the one he stayed in rent free for five years, nod nod wink wink. (Note: Do NOT mention this arrangement or even admit knowing about it. "Knowing about what?" Ha!)

4) Send follow-up card to that Obama chap. Good bean, really. Forgive and forget the rough and tumble in the media. Politician must be politicians. Do invite him aboard "Bob" for next year's yachting challenge. (Note: No jokes about Bob having a "double hull" to prevent oil spills! Must find a place to use that quip.)

5) Send bubbles and hand-written thank-you card to our new PM, the chap who replaced Gordon Brown. Campbell? Candle? Cameron. That's it. Darwin Cameron. High hopes for that young lad. (Note: Get him on the yacht, too. Double hull joke perfect for him, what!)

6) Have someone review paperwork. Find out whether we still actually own BP, and if so, why it's not called 'British' Petroleum any more. A legal thing no doubt.

7) "Get my life back". See point 2 above. Must not allow media to show me having any life whatsoever other than stopping the bloody oil leak. Balls! I did so want to attend Oprah's bash for Fergie. That tart does get her knickers in a knot, what!

8) Next time, before testifying in Washington, must find out basics about drilling oil wells in ocean. Rotters seem to expect that! As if you'd ask Gordon Brown how the British Government runs. No, not Brown, he's gone. That new chap, James Cameron. (Note: confirm we are still "British" Government. BG?)

9) Get PR working on a proper celebration for capping the bloody well. Surely there is something we are 'allowed' to do in public. Maybe hose down a bloody pelican with champagne. Wouldn't that be a photo! (Note: ask operations what WOULD happen if we hosed down a pelican with champers. Be a good skit at the next Board meeting!)

10) Ensure there is an accounting of ALL THIS OVERTIME! (Not counting the yacht race). Ensure this year's performance bonus is deposited well offshore. Spread thin and wide. A bit like the oil, what!

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